Dreading the "EDD"

cystermoon · 04-09-2003, 01:59 PM

I'm trying to be upbeat about the memorial we have planned to honor our daughter's life in Heaven rather than her death on Earth, but as the days draw closer and I see others who were due around the same time, it becomes more and more difficult to do. I have been spending a lot of time on the GTKY board just trying to find some relief from my grief. I'm probably being downright annoying over there

but I can't help it. I need to have something to take my mind off the pain.

I'm all right as long as I don't let myself dwell on it, but with the EDD just weeks away, it is hard for me not to dwell on it. I don't know what I will do next. I've been trying to get myself together physically and mentally but I am still not ready to go talk to our RE about the three embies still frozen. I wish I could have a 100% guarantee that those three remaining embies are okay and don't have the same chromosomal problem, but of course, nothing is 100% guaranteed when it comes to this. I just don't think I could go through a fourth loss. How much is a person expected to bare before they have had enough? It depends on the individual. This individual is tired of going through the disappointment and pain.

I know in time, the pain will lessen, it already has to some extent. It helps to talk about it and vent and share with others who understand.

I just hate when people still try to give me advice.(Like telling me I should adopt) I don't want to hear advice. I want support.

Does anyone else understand and can relate to this?

Kaymara · 04-09-2003, 06:43 PM

{{{Big hugs}}}

I hit my EDD last Dec and it was hard. You need to do what is best for you and grieve when you feel you need to. I am just days from my 1 year mark of the m/c and I find myself getting into a tiny slump! I keep thinking last year at this time......

Take care and know you are not alone! Big hugs!

Kay

Megan · 04-09-2003, 09:35 PM

Our EDD is 8 May. I thought I was alright, but as the day draws closer, I have realised that it is going to be harder than I anticipated. I have booked myself into the local beauty shop for a long massage and facial on that day. I have told the girls at work that I will not be in. I have asked DH to go to work rather than stay with me, because this is time that I need for myself. He works just down the road, so I can call him home if I need him.

A woman in a division close to mine is due the same day - it hurts to look at her and think that I should look the same. I was relieved when she took early maternity leave with blood pressure problems - now I don't have to look at her.

I think I understand some of what you feel. I am scared of what happens next. I finally went back to our clinic on Tuesday to admit that I wasn't coping well. I have delayed our IUI for 4 months now and it took their help to make me realise that I am just plain scared of something going wrong, which is why I keep putting it off. I took a deep breath and signed up for May, so in 2 weeks, I will start the drugs. There are no guarantees, but I feel strong enough to take the chance. I don't have to contend with chromosomal concerns like yours.

I am known as a very strong, assertive person, yet it took time with the clinic folk on Tuesday for me to realise that I am not assertive when it comes to people giving me advice about TTC. They taught me that it is my right to be assertive and private. Giving advice about TTC is about the same as giving advice about herpes - very rude and an invasion of privacy (that's how the clinic people described it). So from now on, when people give me advice or ask if I am pregnant again or TTC again, I am just going to say that while I appreciate their concern, it is my business and not something I wish to discuss. I don't care if I sound like a *****. I come to this board to talk about TTC - I don't want to talk about it over coffee with strangers or in the corridors.

Try to take care of your heart and chat with me if you want to

Megan the OzFarmer

cystermoon · 04-10-2003, 06:45 PM

Thanks Kay & Megan

Kay: You are right about doing what is best for me in the grieving department. So many times we feel we need to behave in some way or another because of other's expectations. Grief is totallly personal and should be treated as such.

Megan: What you said about people giving advice about TTC again is so true! No one can make such an important decision but you and your spouse (or SO). It is highly personal and completely invasive when others try to say what they think you want to hear.

I have had three losses and everyone assumes that means I should just adopt. As if that is the cure all to everything.
Adoption isn't exactly cheap or easy and it isn't going to change the fact that I have had three losses or that I really want to try to have DH and I's child. I am not opposed to adoption at all. I actually considered it before we did IVF--before I knew that IVF is cheaper than adoption.(In our case.) But to say to a woman grieving at the loss of her (third) child, "oh you should just adopt" to me is offensive. It makes me feel worse than I already do about being a failure to carry my own child to term. I know people mean well, but sometimes I wish they wouldn't feel the need to give unsolicited advice.

Sapphire Spirit · 04-11-2003, 04:26 AM

cystermoon
My heart goes out to you. I found the EDD's of both of my babies two of the hardest days in my life. I cannot describe the hollowness and the despair. I allowed myself to truly grieve and "lose it".......I didn't think I'd ever come out from under the cloud on those days. To be honest I actually felt lighter somehow after the actual days passed though. I'm not saying I felt over the grief or hurt but I felt like I could move forward. Sorry, I'm raving on........just trying to take away some of the hurt (knowing full well that I can't truly do that........doesn't hurt to try though)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Keep up your wonderful strength and courage.

Amy

cystermoon · 04-11-2003, 03:16 PM

Thanks Amy. (((HUGS)))

I know I will get through this. When my EDD came up for my second baby, I was a royal mess. It still hurts a bit because the date is March 17th--St. Patrick's Day and 2 days before my mom's birthday. I know the pain will lessen in time. I appreciate all the support & prayers I can get!

2cats4me · 04-15-2003, 02:38 AM

I am sorry for all the losses here. My EDD was April 1st and it was pretty hard for me. I went back and did a couple more IVF cycles and they were both neg so that made me even more frightened. However, I can't lose hope because I have to think that one of my frozen embryos will be the one.

My friend did IVIg and swears that made all the difference with her. She had 7 losses but this latest pg stuck. When I hear things like that, I can only marvel that the technology keeps coming up with new things. Maybe something will work for us.

I took a few months off and that helped. Yes, I feel the pressure of time (I'm 38) but I really needed a break. This IF stuff is exhausting. I am full of awe thinking about women who have done so many more cycles, had multiple m/c and kept on going.

Good luck everyone and I hope our prayers are answered soon.
Cat