So it's close to my due date. According to logic, it's the 16th. But according to the bad u/s tech, it's the 20th. I go with the 16th. I guess we are just going to go to the cemetery, and cry like all hell.
I should be big as a house by now, with a nursery all set and ready, his little clothes all washed and folded. Toys, blankets, and baby stuff all over. I should be going over the birthing plan, and making sure everything is ready. But I'm not. Instead I'm thinking of the son I lost, while also thinking about TTC again. I'm supposed to get the required pg test tomorrow so I can take Provera to induce cycle (last one I had started Dec. 28th, so not too long of a cycle, not for me anyway)..and then start Clomid.
I'm just cutting and pasting a journal entry I wrote this weekend.
...I tried to go back to bed again. I was just laying there, trying to sleep. And I just start crying. I don't know why this happens, but out of nowhere, I think of Daniel...and lose it. Usually I think of him, and wish I could hold him again. Wish I could see him again. I was just crying. I guess it woke Chris up a bit, cuz he just rolled over and held me. He doesn't usually need to ask why I'm crying in bed. It's always for the same reason. He also says I sometimes am dead asleep, and crying. I'm assuming it's because I'm having a nightmare about things, which I guess I still have often.
I miss him. I wish I could go back and do things differently the day he was born/died. I wish I would have held him longer. I wish I would have told him more how much I loved him. I wish I would have gotten his hand-prints. I wish I would have looked at him more while holding him. I wish we would have gotten more pictures of him. But wishing doesn't do me any good, and I know that.
I guess I still wonder why this had to happen. I mean, medically I know why it all happened. But WHY? 5 years of trying to get pregnant, and even though it was the WORST timing ever, I finally got pregnant. I made it through the half-way point, the point where doctors say it's smooth sailing and I could stop worrying. Why? Why did it have to end like it did? I cry a lot thinking of how just a few weeks before I lost him, we got a video tape of the ultrasound of him. He was moving like crazy, waving and kicking. Posing in all those cute positions. I was so proud of him, he already had a cute personality. A few days before he was born, he started playing games with me. I'd poke him, he'd poke me back. I'd drink a big glass of OJ, and he'd dance around from the rush. Even hours before he was born, I felt him moving..kicking...I heard in my head him screaming at me, he was yelling for me not to let him go. I couldn't help him.
Will this ever get easier? From what I'm told, you simply have good days and bad days.
I can't look at his memory box anymore. I can't look at his pictures. It hurts too much. I was crying so hard tonight just thinking and picturing him, I had a asthma attack then I puked. I hate this.
I wanted a family, I wanted a child...I had one, I love him...but I can't hold him, I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't be with him. I still want that chance, the chance to raise a child and have him outlive me. But part of me still feels guilty wanting that, as if replacing the son I lost. I don't want to replace him, I can't do that. But I don't know how to convince part of me that is the truth. I want Daniel to have a little brother or sister took look out for, and so I can tell them all about their big brother and how special he was. I want him to watch over us as we all grow older, and be proud of us.
I don't know what to do. Monday morning I get the required pregnancy test I need before I can take provera to induce my cycle. Then with the cycle, I start clomid. Then start trying again. I guess I'm scared I *WILL* get pregnant. What if I do? How the hell would I cope knowing that this COULD happen again? No matter how unlikely it is, or how many doctors tell me not to worry, I still would. But I want to do it. I will hate myself if I don't try, if I miss my only chance.
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
I am just SO SO sorry for your loss. I can hear the pain in your post. It just isn't fair that anyone has to go through this kind of loss.
I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your son.
Please try not to feel guilty for wanting to have another baby. You're not replacing him. You could never replace him. He will always be your son. I am sure it's a normal feeling.
Again I am wishing only the best for you and your DH. Your children will always have a little angel watching over them in Daniel.
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I agree with the "good days and bad days" statement. I hope you have more good days in your future.
If - and when - you have another child, you would not be "replacing" Daniel, it would be an honor to his memory - you love him so much that you want the same thing all over again.
__________________ Lean cyster ~ M/c @ 10 wks after seeing heartbeat 8/04, m/c @ about 10 weeks after seeing heartbeat 8-09. 2 chemical PGs lost @ 4.5 wks 1/05 & 3/05. 4/05: Dx w/antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.
BFP on Thanksgiving 2009! Due date August 9, 2010. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Daniel was so amazing that you just want to feel that love again. There's nothing wrong with that. Take if VERY EASY this pregnancy, girl.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Renee,
There are so many of us who understand this. We all have these terrible feelings and thoughts in our own way, and I think we all agree that another child will enrich your life and comfort you as you go forward (bravely as we must) without your firstborn in your arms. These problems are the most unfair and horrible things that I can imagine a person living through, and I feel grateful that I have you all to share with when I feel completely alone in the world. We are with you, and we remember Daniel.
Hoping for the best for you,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
I'm so very sorry about your loss. To get through my due date, I just kept thinking to myself that my babies probably wouldn't have actually been born on that exact date anyway. It made it a little easier.
I know how much you loved your baby -- and how much you'll love the next baby that you *will* be able to take home with you. He/she will be Daniels brother or sister -- NOT his replacement.
BTW - I live near Pittsburgh -- my babies were born there.
Due date is coming up so quickly... 
