Early in Grief

Ingrid,UGADAWG · 10-09-2005, 10:34 PM

I made my first post earlier today, adding my baby's name to the post of other soulcysters and their babies that they lost. My husband and I lost our little girl, Andraya Louise, one week ago today. In fact, this time last week, I had just given birth. I was 21 weeks and 1 day. The Friday night prior, we went to the hospital because I was bleeding and cramping. After the exam, the doctor on call told me with tears in his eyes that I have an incompetent cervix and that I was dilated 3cm. While we were waiting for the perinatal specialist to show up, my water broke. Terbutaline stopped my contractions, though. An ultrasound was done and my baby's heart was still beating. I made it until Sunday without going into labor and the doctor said there was a small chance our baby could produce enough amniotic fluid to stay alive until 24 weeks (in the hope there might be a chance of survival as a preemie). The crazy nurse I had on Sunday (the nurse is another story in itself) decided to do a dopler to check for Andraya's heart beat. She could not find it and proceeded to tell us about five times in a row that our baby might be dead, but we would have to wait for the ultrasound scheduled for the next morning to find out. My husband decided to run home to get some things fr the house. Just after he left the nurse came back to say the dr. got the ultrasound changed and wanted to call my husband to tell him to come back. He told her he would be back in ten minutes. Three minutes later the nurse and a new doctor walked in and just did the ultrasound without waiting for my husband! The doctor proceeded to say that he was 100% certain that there was no heartbeat. Since it was the end of that nurse's shift all she had to say was "ok" and left! My husband came in to find my mom and me sobbing. He put two & two together and started crying,too. Anyway, the doctor on call wanted to induce labor. I had an epidural, so I was not in pain and labor did not last long. Our priest came to baptize Andraya Louise, Monday morning before we left the hospital. We did get to spend time with our baby both after delivery and Monday after our priest left. She was perfect and had been perfectly healthy throughout the pregnancy.
Anyway, my husband and I have gotten through this very difficult first week. We are both still in shock. Everything happened so fast. We stopped by the grocery store this evening on the way home from church and I broke down crying. I did not feel right being out. I started feeling so empty in church. When the last time I was in church I could feel our baby moving in response to the music and we were so happy. I just keep thinking how I should be pregnant right now and how our little girl did not deserve for this to happen to her. If anybody has stories to share and how they worked through their grief early on, please share.
We want to TTC once my doctor says its ok, but I know our next child can not replace our first. I know I may end up on bedrest. I had to take metformin to ovulate to get pregnant with Andraya Louise. So, aside fr grieving for our little girl I am also thinking about the long road that may be ahead of us to get pregnant again. I have also kept thinking this evening how I had been thinking during the pregnancy that it would be two or three more years before we would be trying again for our next child. Now, we have lost our first child and back to thinking about TTC again. Its just too much at some moments. I am rambling now, but I have so many different thoughts and feelings going on at once. Any feedback, advice, or sympathetic ears will be appreciated.

deb_e_deb26 · 10-09-2005, 11:29 PM

I have not experienced the pain you are going through, but I wanted to send you a big hug

and tell you how sorry I am that you lost your little girl. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I know other ladies here will be able to give you advice and information on how to cope as best as possible in this situation...please take care of you and DH....

LaurAnnHere · 10-09-2005, 11:30 PM

I'm so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. You will find a lot of support here. There are many of us who have found ourselves in similar situations. I don't know any wise words to comfort you, but you do not have to be alone. We'll be here for you. (((hugs)))

Laura

Hayles · 10-09-2005, 11:36 PM

I certainly have no words of wisdom i never know what to say but i just wanted to say how deeply sorry i am for your loss. I know the girls aroudn here are great & will have some good afvice for you.

social1234 · 10-10-2005, 12:54 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your baby. I am also grieving for my losses. It is very difficult to go through this and my heart goes out to you and your family.

saluki_fan · 10-10-2005, 01:01 AM

Hi. Welcome to Soul Cysters (although I am sorry that your first 2 posts had to be on the "Coping With Pregnancy Loss" thread.) there is a wonderfully supportive group of women on this thread.

Sadly, a lot of the women here have had similar situations with incompetent cervix / IC. (I am not one of them, although I have had 3 early pregnancy losses.) This is a club that no one wants to join. I will say that now that I've had to "join the club", I can't imagine going through things without the women here.

I don't know what to say about trying to conceive again. My losses were all at the 10-week mark or before and I knew in each case I wanted to "Try again" as soon as my body was back at "the starting point" and ready to O again. I need Metformin to ovulate too - (except for the first cycle after my 10-week pregnancy loss, where by some minor miracle it happened w/o Metformin or other drugs.) I would definitely talk to your DH and your doctor about a timetable for trying again.

So sorry for your loss,
Meghan
(saluki_fan)

kwannabee · 10-10-2005, 01:03 AM

I'm so sorry...

i was reading through your post and having flashbacks...so many many things you said...it just took me right back...my heart goes out to you and your family...i know there are no words to really make you feel better, at least not yet, but just know that your baby will forever be a part of your life and your heart, and someday in the future it wont rip your heart out to think of what might have been...it will be a dull ache...always, but time does help.

promise

This forum was a life line for me, the girls on it then and now...so take advantage of the support all you can, it really makes a difference.

take care and pm if you like...

TurtleLove · 10-10-2005, 02:39 AM

I know there isn't anything we can say but please say whatever you need to, however you need to say it. attached is a gift for you....

mystik817 · 10-10-2005, 03:15 AM

Hun, I am so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to share here with us whenever you need. I know I havent gotten through some crummy points in my life by sharing and venting with my cysters.

HUGS

VivC · 10-10-2005, 03:23 AM

Oh, Sweetie, this brings back memories. I just passed my baby boy's first birthday on Thursday. I'm so, so sorry you had to join us here.

I have a few rambling thoughts. Go with your feelings right now. If you need to stay in bed, do it. If you need to scream, do it. If you need to cry, do it. But, if at any point you feel suicidal (I did), please see a therapist. If I'd done that sooner, I could have coped better earlier on. There's no real order to grief. Eventually, you will start to feel a little less sad, but there will be times you slip right back into that depression and grief. And, the first time you realize that you're happy (and I promise that day will come), you'll feel guilty.

You will never forget Andraya. She's always going to be your little girl. When you're able, write down the story of your pregnancy and her birth. Sometimes, rereading that helps me feel close to Rivi when he feels far away.

Don't rush TTC until you're sure. Some women feel that TTC immediately helps with their grief process. I chose to wait. There's no right answer, just the right answer for you. When you do get pregnant again, ask for a cerclage at around 12 weeks. They can stitch your cervix to hold it shut. Then, they can keep an eye on it to watch for changes. You should also see a high-risk specialist next pregnancy, a perinatologist or maternal-fetal medicine specialist.

It might help to think of ways to incorporate your little girl into family traditions. For instance, we had an ornament engraved with Rivi's name and birthdate. It holds his picture. Every Christmas, it will be the first thing put on the tree and the last thing taken off. That way, he won't miss a second of the celebration. For his birthday, we had a cake and released a Happy Birthday balloon for him.

Some cysters have a piece of jewelry with their baby's birthstone. For October, that would be Opal or Pink Tourmaline. Opal can be fragile, so I wouldn't recommend a ring or bracelet. Pink Tourmaline is stronger, but sometimes hard to find.

((Hugs)),

Viv

Reebekah · 10-10-2005, 12:05 PM

i am SO SORRY for your loss. i lost my twin girls last sept. at 20 weeks due to ic/ptl/pprom/incompetent doctors.
early on, i found it very helpful to talk with others who experienced a similar loss (and i still do find it very helpful). i also read a ton of books like Trying Again and Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. i also did a ton of research on the issues relating to my loss, so that i could understand how/why it happened and know what to do to prevent it again. in addition to this site, you may also want to join the MSN incompetent cervix support group.
only you will know when you are ready to try again. i was told to wait at least 3-6 months. i have infertility issues and no time to waste (i want a larger family if possible) so i waited 3 months. i tried on my own w/o meds for 3 months (because i was afraid of multiples again). it didnt work, so i moved on to clomid. of course a new baby wont take the place of your first....and nobody expects it to (nobody who truly understands anyway) and another pregnancy wont be easy...you can expect a preventative cerclage and possible bedrest....but i guess we dont have much choice in the matter.

sorry we had to meet this way. i'm here if you want to talk.
you are in my thoughts and prayers

x_Trish_x · 10-10-2005, 12:30 PM

I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss

JuliannePCOS · 10-10-2005, 02:10 PM

I'm so sorry you've had such a profound loss. The best thing I can tell you right now is to stick around here and/or another loss forum. It helps to know that you are not alone.

**hugs**

SheriKCMO · 10-10-2005, 02:49 PM

Ingrid, these early days are the worst. You have just endured what I believe to be the worst thing that can happen to a person... I though that even before I planned to have kids of my own. Losing a child is impossible to comprehend, it is so awful, and yet I now know that a person can survive it and figure out how to put the pieces back together and start a new life. In the early days, just think about surviving, though... let the better days wait until they are ready to come. Grief is a long journey, and if you hold back your feelings, you will only be postponing them until they can't stay in anymore. Do exactly what feels necessary at the time.

For me, the best therapy was to figure out how to carry my next baby to term. It helped me get my head around the facts of my loss and give me the option of someday having hope again. I wanted to conceive immediately, partly because of my age but partly because my body knew I should be holding a baby... after all, I had just given birth! So where was the baby that would fill my arms and heart?? I wish that I had been able to wait a year to ttc because I would have been much further along in my grief, but I couldn't wait. My consultation with my high risk OB confirmed that he had experience getting women like me to term and had a very strong interest in working with me, so I felt a lot better. Safer, I guess you could say.

My husband and I have always been close, but this loss was like glue. We were our best comforts to each other and grew closer as our hearts were broken in the same place. Since our love created Mary Catherine, it meant even more to me than ever. Definitely stick to your guy. They might be more quiet about it, but they are hurting terribly during these losses.

I also found a support group, and that gave me a place to feel normal. I should have seen a therapist and still might someday. Don't be embarrassed.

And please don't listen to stupid statements or questions from anyone. It is hard, but try to ignore things that aren't helpful. People generally mean well but have no clue, so accept the sentiment but not the words if things are said that bother you. Follow your own heart on this long road, because it is yours and yours alone. Give yourself time. One day at a time, and on the bad days just work on getting through one minute at a time.

We are here for you!
(((((hugs!)))))
Sheri

browneyedgurl · 10-11-2005, 06:10 AM

Ingrid- I am so sorry for your loss. I had my first pregnancy end last month with because my twins hearts stopped beating. Your story makes me cry for you. I hope that you are able to cope with this loss and come here if you need to talk. Take care of yourself and don't rush your feelings.

Stacia