Emotional day

GabrielsMom · 07-13-2005, 10:20 PM

Today I hurt myself at work. I twisted my ankle and fell down a few steps. I really thought I broke it or something because it was extremely painful and swollen. Well, the paramedics came and said that I should go to the hospital and get an x-ray. They were going to take me in an ambulance, but thankfully, my boss volunteered to drive me. The last time I was in an ambulance and taken care of by paramedics, I was in labor with Gabriel

The flashbacks were horrible. I broke down in tears telling them I didn't want to go in an ambulance. I thought I was fine and halfway through the sentence I completely lost it.

So anyways, I got to the hospital and this is the 3rd time I've been a patient at the hospital since I lost Gabriel... once for the D&C, the liver biopsy and then today. Well, when I was in the ER waiting room, I heard the PA. A nurse was calling for my old OB, Dr. B. This is the guy that told me that I might have lost my baby due to my "active weekend." I think I mentioned here that for his sake, he better hope I never see him again. But I was reassured by the fact that maternity is on another floor and I was unlikely to see him. Well, I wasn't so fortunate. I was waiting in a wheelchair to get my x-ray and at the other end of the hall, he popped out of nowhere. I just looked up and there he was. Lucky for him, I couldn't walk! (I'm joking here...I'd never have the guts to punch him in the face like he deserves... not only for saying that comment but for blowing me off when I called to tell him that a huge glob of rubbery mucous came out of me... mucus plug). So anyways, I don't mean to be unnecessarily dramatic about it, but it just added to the emotional difficulty of this whole mess. Oh and btw... before I had the x-ray, I had to explain why I didn't think I was pregnant, even though we are trying. I had a pg test anyway, and of course it was negative. I didn't even O!

Meanwhile, DH was freaking out. Despite multiple assurances that it was no big deal, he was agitated and worried. When he came to pick me up, he yelled at me and told me to stop getting hurt. Well, after talking to him about it for a bit, we both realized that he was having his own emotional flashbacks.. to the day I called him to tell him that I was going to the hospital in labor. He's been tied up in a knot all day. As for me, I came home and sat down on the couch and when I finally just relaxed, all I want to do is cry.

Anyways, turns out I just had a sprain. So it was unnecessary anyways!!!!!

And tomorrow I will be filling out a bunch of workman's comp paperwork, I am sure.

I have to wonder if God is just making me FACE everything.

Thanks for reading. I love you my cysters....

SheriKCMO · 07-13-2005, 11:17 PM

Ugh!! I'm so sorry today was so painful and terrible!! It does seem like you're being slapped across the face with this! I hope your day goes smoothly tomorrow and that at least your ankle feels better. I know that flashbacks can take a while to wear off. And sorry about the BFN, even though you knew... for some reason they still suck. Hold on tight to DH tonight. It sounds like you need to share these feelings.
(((Hugs)))

kwannabee · 07-13-2005, 11:21 PM

First of all i've hurt my ankle before and it sucks!!! So take it easy...

and as for the flashbacks...and the emotions...well i've been there done that too...seeing those 'familiar faces' triggers alot of emotions...and i think your reactions are totally understandable. You and hubby take care of eachother and feel better soon!

kim

Mich831 · 07-14-2005, 12:04 AM

Oh sweetie I am sorry you're having these flashbacks and that you hurt your ankle.

I agree hold tight to your DH tonight.

(((HUGS))) to you AND your DH.

Michele

PS...maybe having some really good Italian food tonight might help.

GabrielsMom · 07-14-2005, 08:55 AM

I took your ladies advice and hugged DH tight last night. I told him I understood why he was upset and that I'm lucky to have someone who cares enough to worry about me like that. We were exhausted, so we fell asleep pretty quickly after that. But he was so stressed out, the poor thing.

Fortunately, my ankle is feeling a lot better today. I can walk around without the crutches, if I'm careful. Thanks for all your responses. I felt kind of crazy for taking everything the way that I did yesterday, but I knew that you all would understand!

Mich - DH cooked dinner, so it had to be simple. We had grilled chicken and baked potatoes. It came out pretty good!

SheriKCMO · 07-14-2005, 10:43 AM

What a sweet man! Adrianne, I'm so glad you feel better! I hope you don't have to go near a hospital until you have much better reasons (that might distract from the bad memories there).

saluki_fan · 07-14-2005, 11:57 AM

Adrianne, I am SO sorry to hear both about your ankle and that it was a tough day of memories for you and your DH. I'm also sorry you had to see that nurse again.

Are you able to take it easy at home for the next few days?

GabrielsMom · 07-14-2005, 12:51 PM

Actually, I'm back at work today, although technically I need clearance from the doctor to come back..w hich I don't have yet. HR says that the discharge papers don't suffice. WHY OH WHY are they such nitpickers about this?? I am probably going to spend the rest of the day filling out paperwork. You'd think I was the first person to ever need worker's comp with the ignorant way all involved are acting. They expected me to know that I needed this paperwork. WTH!? I'm a programmer, not Catbert the evil HR coordinator. And I certainly don't need to walk around in order to sit in front of a computer all day! ARGH!!! I want to put all this BS behind me.

missmeliss · 07-14-2005, 02:29 PM

Sorry to hear about all of this.
Hope the paperwork is not too bad -- What a PITA!

VivC · 07-14-2005, 04:29 PM

Adrianne, I'm sorry about your ankle. I haven't been back into the hospital where Rivi was born. If I ever go there again, I'd like it to be to give birth to a full-term baby (although I'd rather go to the other hospital near me). I can't even imagine how hard it is to go there. The closest I've come is my GYN's office, which is in the hospital's medical complex.

I'm glad you and DH figured out what caused his reaction. And that you were able to cuddle!

Reebekah · 07-14-2005, 08:32 PM

So sorry you got hurt. The same thing happened to me (but my knee) a few years ago. It hurt a lot and took a long time to heal. Hope you feel better soon.

I work across from the hospital where I had my cerclage placed to try to save my girls. They have a nice cafeteria w/ a cheap salad bar, so many of my coworkers eat lunch there. Once I joined my coworkers and saw the surgical tech that was present during my cerclage eating lunch. I almost freaked out, because he gave me "a look" and I knew he recognized me. I prayed he didnt come up and ask me about my babies (I delivered a week later at a different hospital). Ugh. So then a few week later I went there for lunch again and saw the doctor that I had seen all along during my pregnancy...the one who told me my pressure was normal at 16 weeks...the one who didnt check me and said a cervix check could wait until the 20 week u/s...the one who sent me away to Magee the second things turned bad. He looked right at me and said hello. I almost dropped my food tray. I wanted to spit in his face or scream at him or punch him. I just looked down and kept walking. Ugh. Needless to say, I dont go to lunch there anymore. I also changed hospitals and insurance and docs. Is there any way you can go somewhere else in the future?

I know how much the "active weekend" BS bothers you. I want you to know that I had an active week the week before I delivered too...and I was told by several docs that that had NOTHING to do with it...that it was going to happen anyway. And you know was well as I that we both continued to dilate even after complete bedrest, so what does that tell you.

Hugs
Becky

jlmcquade · 07-14-2005, 09:01 PM

Lots of ((((Hugs)))) to you. I too am sorry that you sprained your ankle and on top of that had flashbacks. I hope that today you are feeling better and your ankle is doing better also. God Bless.

-Julie

GabrielsMom · 07-14-2005, 09:12 PM

Thanks so much for sharing that Becky. I don't blame you for never going back to that hospital. Today I had to go BACK to the hospital to take care of some business (forgot my keys, needed paperwork filled out, etc), and I thought about why I still go there. I guess it is because, other than my docs, *everyone* there was extremely supportive and good to me. It's a really good hospital, it's 10 minutes from my house, and they have a Level III NICU. I will deliver there again someday... a healthy term baby. Overall, it does help me to go face it, as long as I don't see Dr. B!!! Plus, my support group meets in the admin building, so I'm used to being on the grounds. Gabriel's ashes were spread in the memorial garden there as well. Strangely, deep deep down inside, I feel closer to him when I am there. When I see the hospital's sign, I get this weird feeling of being in a special place but sad as well.

I remember when I was in the hospital trying to save Gabriel, a few days before he was born, it was the first snowfall of the winter, which was early for us. I looked out across the top level of the parking garage and saw the snow piling up on the pine trees. For some reason, it was comforting. When I got out of the hospital, I said "I can snow until next June for all I care... I love winter."

I'm sure I would feel differently, if the people there weren't so nice to me.

Thanks for the comment about the active weekend thing. I don't know if this sounds crazy, but every time someone reassures me about that, I feel better. I cannot hear it enough that it wasn't my fault. It's not like I obsess about it. I know that it would have happened anyway... but there's that doubt. I'm hoping that someday, I will be able to let go of it.

I'm glad you're doing well!!!

GabrielsMom · 07-14-2005, 09:14 PM

BTW, my ankle is MUCH MUCH better today. I still have it wrapped up in a bandage, but I can even walk normally! I think I freaked out a little bit yesterday, but I'm not beating myself up over it. I know that going to the hospital to get the x-ray was the right thing to do. Thanks for all the good wishes.

SheriKCMO · 07-14-2005, 09:42 PM

Yay for the better ankle! And I'm so glad that you are able to have good feelings in that hospital along with the other feelings. Your story about the snow reminded me of the day we buried Mary Catherine. A thick blanket of snow and the extreme quiet that comes with it were laid on the earth right before her burial. It was so peaceful, it wasn't sad the same way that the normal gray of winter/late fall usually looks here. I felt like the earth had prepared the most calm possible resting place for my little girl and was ready for her that day. Of course it's tied together with pain for each of us, but I am glad that we both have that first snow to trigger memories of our babies. It comes every year, and it should always give us a sweet sorrow with its beauty. ((Hugs))