annem84

Sorry this will be long winded/rambling, etc...

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute happy--the next crying at my desk. I am unable to sleep but when I do, I have horrific nightmares about my past (which inclues abuse and rape from a previous boyfriend) Last night I dreampt that I took a whole bottle of Ambien (which i dont even have in the apt.) but my therapist asked me today on what i thought that meant...I want to get away. I dont want to get away, away but like vacation away but one needs money to do so and since gas prices are assnineridiculous right now--it is pretty much a mute point.

I've been asked to attend a survivor's conference for the above stated things I've been through and while I think I need to, to maybe help in my healing process--I dont want to go backwards from my progress either. Kyle supports me. The others who know about the abuse/rape support me but why do I have to be an emotional rollercoaster to get to the pt in when it happens (next weekend) I know if I were sleeping, I'd feel better but I hate falling asleep for the fear of dreaming so I start self-harming myself and am also disassociating and getting myself into a trance. I feel so numb right now. Therapy helped me this morning but I dont like talking about it but know I need to so it doesn't entrap my brain entirely. Self coping skills aren't working for me right now. I need to work on my breathing, etc and maybe that would help..breathing is always good. I dont want to blame it on anything I have no control over (the weather, the month, etc) I can change me but I am at a loss on how to do so...

__________________
Anne & Kyle


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TOC--Fall 2008

etuc

Sorry things are so rough right now.

I felt like that at one point too, sometimes it hurts to go through the healing process and it can take you back and forth but in the end it should help.

When I was going to counseling for marital troubles, ptsd etc, I worked through so many painful things that it was really hard to go back for more at times, but in the end it gave me a better understanding of myself, what I went through and how affected me as a kid and a teenager made me seek out things that hurt me, then I learned how to cope and to let go of the past and to have a healthy relationship.

Best of luck to you.