Alright ladies, I need to rant, and this is probably the best place to do it.
When my doctor told me that I have to wait 3 months to get pregnant again, I thought I could be patient.
I can't. It would be one thing if I was well enough to get back to normal life and distract myself with things, but I can't. The reason I'm not allowed to get pregnant again is the same reason why I can't work, go out shopping, go driving, etc. I hardly have the energy to do some housework here and there.
All I can do is sit here and think about stuff. And what do you think about when you've had 2 miscarriages this year, and pregnancy has been the only thing on your mind since December? You guessed it.
I see babies and pregnant women everywhere. I'm not usually the kind of person to notice that stuff all the time, but for Heaven's sake, all I can do is sit around and notice things... GAH.
I'm so angry right now. Of course, there's no one to be angry at. A couple days after my miscarriage, I was flipping through TV channels and came across an older show called Judging Amy. They were talking about miscarriage and so I watched for a few minutes. One character (I think the mom/grandma) said something that really related to me at the time: "The thing about miscarriage is that there is no one at fault. And that's what makes it so difficult."
Boooooy is that true. I wish I had someone to be mad at. I wish I had someone to blame. I could make myself a silly little voodoo doll or something and stab it with needles or throw darts at a picture. Instead, I have to chalk it up to one big cosmic "oops." I have all this anger, and nowhere to direct it. I know MUCH better than to be angry at God.
I don't think I can wait until August to try again, but I have to. All this is because I was in the unlucky minority of people who get this lovely complicattion of bloodloss from a D&C. That was no one's fault, either.
If I could at least go back to my normal activities, it wouldn't be so bad, but right now, it feels like I'm slowly being tortured.
Oh yeah, and I hate condoms. Hate 'em. And I REFUSE to go on anything hormonal right now because I do not want to add anything anti-baby to my system.
I'm just... well, I'm realy pissed off right now. I feel like I'm just stuck here, left to think about wanting to be pregnant again for 3 months.
GAH.
Sorry. Just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
Bekki- I feel so bad for you. You've had so much to deal with lately.
After we lost Eric, we didn't know if we would be able to have kids, or when. They told us we probably could, but we had to wait. I started temping in the mornings, to keep my mind busy with TTC. Even though we couldn't really try, I was still doing something along those lines. I'd read that you should temp for 3 months or something before it would really help, I think. And I did a LOT of reading. I went to the store and bought a lot of chick-lit, so I didn't really have to think too much. It helped keep my mind off things.
I don't know if this helps, its just what I did to stop from going crazy before we could try again. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope this helps.
Lovepotato - That's a good idea. I actually have some books here that I need to read. I took a walk this morning and feel a bit better now. Every once in a while, I just have an emotional flare-up.
Remind me about the temping now... I have to do it first thing in the morning, right? And with a basal thermometer? I hardly remember.
We're extremely fortunate that so far, we have not had a hard time getting pregnant. I know how hard it is for so many cysters, so I do NOT take it for granted.
Maybe I should use the charting to know when NOT to have sex. That would be nice.
*sigh* Maybe they can put me into a medically induced coma and wake me up when I can get PG again.
I know how you feel. As much as anyone can. I went to fertilityfriend.com. You take your temp in the morning, before you take a drink or get up to pee. The thermometer has to have 2 decimals after the point. The one I found was at Walgreens. I couln't find one anywhere else, but I didn't really look. I don't remember anything else really. I know you can chart it on fertilityfriend.com. I did, and I just wrote down my temp in the morning and put it online in the morning.
Good luck. I understand the emotional flare up. I had plenty. Take care of yourself. I hope these 3 months goes fast for you. Hugs!!
OMG I love Judging Amy. I never watched it when it was on regular TV but now TNT (I think) has it back to back at 9 and 10am. One of the TVs at the gym got turned to TNT and I just started watching it last week, I think. So I drop my son off at preschool and then I get to the gym around 9:15 and catch most of the first episode and then often the second one sucks me in so much I don't want to stop working out.
Yesterday on the 10am episode Amy's brother's wife came and told Amy's mother that they had failied 3 IVFs and her husband was ready to move on to adoption and she wasn't. Well of course I was hooked. Had to watch the entire thing. I did 8.1 miles on the elliptical yesterday.
Never seen the miscarriage episode.
ANYWAY I hear you on the frustration and pregnant women everywhere. I know women who are still working on one kid are often resentful of women trying for a second kid so I am sorry if this offends you BUT... can I say how crappy I feel because I really hate doing ANYTHING with my son because it involves going places kids like which means there will be tons of pregnant women and women with 3 or more kids and it just makes me SO ANGRY... I feel like the worst mom ever. Sorry, we're going to sit at home today because mommy is having a nervous breakdown. I HATE it. I'm trying to get over it. I am trying to focus on looking for moms who only have ONE kid. We went to the zoo on Saturday and I was happy to see quite a few of them. But then last night we went to the park and there were five big pregnant bellies in a crowd that really wasn't very large.
He wants to go to the children's museum and... well we're going but as you can see I'm sitting here typing so I am kind of dragging my feet. There are always tons of pregnant bellies and big families there and I feel like a loser mom who doesn't fit in. (I don't even want a huge family... world is too crowded, we plan on 2 kids - it's just I feel like everyone is flaunting their fertility and I am ashamed of my lack thereof)
I am aggrivated by waiting, too. I am waiting and waiting and waiting for my betas to go down. Luckily I can try right away once they are down and we induce a period. BUT last night my husband got a call from his cousin that his aunt (the cousin's mom) died ... and that in July or so they were planning to convene at her house in NY to go through her stuff. (We are in CA for reference...)
WELL... by the time my betas are down to zero... and we can try again... hmmm. Guess what month it will be?
I'm really, really upset by this. I feel like an ass being upset over this, given there was a death in their family and all... but... well... in a way there was just a death in MY family, too, which I am trying to get over and move on from and this really interrupts that. I don't know if there is any urgency in having this done in July - the house has been in the family forever so I don't think it's like they are going to sell the house, we have actually talked about how to keep it in the family as a vacation spot when DH's aunt was no longer there (she had terminal cancer, so we have known this was coming). Maybe we if we explain the situation they'll be ok with meeting up later, maybe august or sept. Or sooner, maybe - if it could be sooner that would be great.
Well that's my tale of woe. Hate to threadjack but just wanting to illustrate how I commisserate with you 100%.
As for the hating to put anything "anti-baby" in your system... I am really pro-BCP for maintaining fertility between treatments. I know it seems backwards but it keeps my PCOS from taking over again. Might not apply if you don't have trouble getting pregnant, I don't know. But you COULD go on BCP for a bit and then go off a month or so before the cut-off - would cut down on condom time and also cut down on BCP messing with your plans, maybe.
I am not a big fan of "natural family planning" when you really want/need to prevent... it always seems to me like people who adhere to that are in the "we're kind of preventing but we don't mind too much if another baby comes along" frame of mine and there always seems to be a lot of surprise babies with that method, which I think you really don't want right now. Although I do think it is useful enough for knowing when you ovulated and then after that you are safe to have sex - but before O I just don't think it's ever reliable completely because even if you think you know your cycle, you might have an early ovulation one time with fertility signs not starting long enough beforehand to make you cautious... especially with cycles likely to be weird the first few months after birth or a m/c... personal opinion but if I HAD to prevent pregnancy, I would not go with that method alone. But might be good to see if your cycles are getting into a normal pattern and help you know when to time things to try again...
So maybe it will have to be condoms. And yeah, they suck. Some are better than others, though... I think if/when we ever have to go back to condoms I am going to look for the polyurethane ones which are thinner and supposed to feel more natural.
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"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
Last edited by RunnerDuck; 05-23-2007 at 04:39 PM.
I just wanted to add that I agree with RD. We still used condoms until we got the green light for TTC. I just started temping b/c I'd heard that you should really chart about 3 months to get a good idea what your cycles are like. Condoms do suck, but I like them over BCP (IMO).
You know, Yasmin was very good to me. The only reason that I'm so paranoid about going back on it for these 3 months is because my mom is under the impression that you have to wait 6 months to TTC after quitting hormonal BCP, because it affects your hormones.
Now that I think about it, she may have heard that (she wouldn't make something up like that), but she is extremely against birth control (woman's got 7 kids!) and probably wouldn't bother to look up the right information. Besides, she's done having kids, it's not a big deal to her.
Maybe I'll call my OB and ask what he thinks. Can't hurt.
It CAN take up to 6 months for your body to go back to normal... but on the flip side, a lot of women, especially with PCOS, get pregnant the first month or two off because the hormonal suppression makes their bodies normal enough able to ovulate for a while. When I had my blighted ovum last year, it happened the first month off BCP... I don't blame the BCP for the failure of that pregnancy, though.
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"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
She said that typically, they recommend you wait 2 or 3 months after hormonal BC to try again, mostly because they want you to have a couple normal cycles first.
The upside would be lighter periods, which would be better for my anemia.
She told me to do whatever I am most comfortable with. While I like the idea of not having to use condoms, it sure as heck won't kill me - or cause any kind of anxiety. I'm afraid that going back on BCP would just make me way too neurotic. My doctor suspects that I have that blood clotting problem, and BCPs can cause blood clots... I dunno.
I did have some good news, though. When the doctor told me not to get PG for a while, it wasn't like an official "If you get pregnant before then, BAD things will happen." I asked her if it would be a catastrophe if we had an "oops" and she said absolutely not. They just would like to see me feeling better before I put that kind of strain on my body.
That doesn't mean that I'm going to go and throw all caution to the wind, I'm still going to wait, but she said that it's OK as soon as I'm feeling back to my normal self. She said that the fact that I bounced back so well already is a real good sign. I may be OK even after I get my next AF. It all depends on how I feel.
I think I'm going to try some NFP to get a feel for what my body is doing, and use condoms at any questionable times.
I just feel better knowing that nothing terrible will happen if I make a mistake and get pregnant.
It's so weird to think of getting pregnant as a mistake...
Yeah, the sitting around and stewing really sucks. In the last week or so, I've been better -- I've moved from crying a lot to feeling like I want to cry a lot. I can think about other things at work, I can look at babies and pregnant women and not feel physical pain any more. There was a Washington Post article on Sunday about selective reductions that set me off for bit, but it passed. I did have to leave this board for a couple of weeks, as it was too much, but now I can come back and check in. Time will make it more bearable, although no one can say how much time it is.
I don't blame anyone, but I am angry at the universe. Why me? Why am I being toyed with? Either let me have a baby or let me go on with the great big emptiness that I've got now, but am accustomed to. Don't let me think that something's finally going to change and then snatch it away. That's nasty and mean.
Yasmin made me want to kill myself. Literally. I don't do well on any kind of hormonal pills, which is another reason I don't want to try any ovulation stimulating drugs (and as my recent miscarriage attests, I do in fact ovulate all by myself). I would take the approach is that there is a LOT of stuff you can do that doesn't get you pregnant, and as you pointed out, if you do do the one thing that can and you do get pregnant, so be it. And have fun doing it.
Fleegle - *HUGS* I know how you feel. Obviously, I'm still around on the boards, but it's hard sometimes. The gals on the November Mommies thread said that I'm welcome any time, but I'm afraid to get too involved. I have a hard time looking at all the tickers and seeing how far along I should have been. I should have been feeling flutters and kicks by now, but instead, I feel nothing.
Everything comes in waves. I'm not in a constant state of depression or anything, but I have my moments where I just want to crawl under a rock. There are just moments where it IS physically painful. I never knew that emptiness could be so tangible.
But we'll be OK, right? Yep. We will. I just want to be OK sooner rather than later.
Bekki, and everyone else, I am so sorry you have to go through this but you know this is a great place to vent. You are so right when you said how there is no one to blame, which makes it so freaking hard, and no one understands the pain, except you, yourself.
I personally kinda like your idea of making a voodoo doll that you can stick pins and needles into. Hey, that could be an uplifting craft project we all could do. Perhaps we can come up with some sort of cute name for these damn dolls. We can make them out of black garbage bags or something and fill them up with a mixture of used HPTs and some maxipads or tampons or something!! Then, we can start a thread and post pictures of our voodoo dolls. Any other creative ideas?
Take care honey, and please hang in there.
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Brenda - That is a brilliant idea. I'm going to see if my burnt out brain cells can come up with a craft... hmm...
A friend of mine made a rude comment to me (about a sensitive topic, no less) and it pushed me over the edge. I didn't blow up at her or anything, just walked away. Of course, ever since, I've been in a really, really, really rotten mood. Poor DH. I'm in such a *****y mood. Gah
I love love LOVE the voodoo doll idea! In addition to the HPTs and tampons and pads, lets write down all the insensitive comments we've gotten and stuff those suckers in there too!
I'm already sick of being asked if we've thought about adoption. Um... could you let me at least finish my miscarriage? And what are we going to do now? Well... I think I'll bleed some more, how 'bout that?
How sad is it that pregnant bellies make us mad now? My dh and I always make silly comments to each other... "we hate her!" "show off!" etc. I guess I come from the make a joke school of thought. There's a very thin line between laughing and crying.
Bekki - lambskin condoms aren't quite as weird feeling as latex ones, although they're a little icky if you think about them. I'm really really sorry that you're having such a hard time. {{HUGE HUG}}
Fleegle - if you're sensitive to hormones, stay far far away from Clomid. It gave me an anxious depression (every time DH left the house, I'd cry because I thought he was going to die) and migraines (the one that distorted my vision had me convinced I had a brain tumor and was going to die.) I'd never had anything like that before, and I still sometimes get migraines 7 years later. Ick.
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Keleigh (40) + Chris (37), married 3/11/00. Furbabies: 2 canine, 2 feline, love 'em all!
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Pre-2006 - DX with PCOS & Endo. 1 blocked tube. 6 mths Clomid, Lupron, 3 laps, 6 IUIs, 2 IVFs.
6 years of trying... no pregnancy. 9/06 - Pregnant the old fashioned way! (Go figure.) 10/06 - blighted ovum 4/18/07 - Shocker BFP!!
We have heartbeat!
5/16/07 - m/c at 8 weeks
and we're done. we apparently weren't meant to be parents. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
At the end of my rope... 
