by, 04-05-2012 at 01:04 PM (585 Views)
I am beyond upset. I took negative tests today by urine, and the stupid whatever they were at the doctor's office couldn't get the blood out of my arm needed to do the labs. They suggested the I hydrate and come back. I asked for the lab requisition form and went home. I will not be going for bloods. That would only open the door for more pain. My doctor told me that it was probably a chemical, and that they go as fast as they come. My question is whether or not I should still be waiting for a period to come. Either way. No more for now. It hurts so much and it's such a personal hurt, that I can't imagine anyone around me, not even my husband being able to fathom the hurt that I feel. If you take everything I've been through up to this point you'll find that, it's not to hard to believe that I am officially exhausted of being hurt, and shattered all over the place. Life must be lived. I think about the days before the phantom BFP. I know I was moving in a good direction, as hubby and I had decided that I would spend some time enjoying my recovery from illness and start back working out, and diet for weight loss, and then get back to TTC in 6mos to a year. Those tests changed all that, and the hurt that I feel right now is my own fault. Rocking the boat is the last thing I should have done.
I just had to have it now. What is that in me? I wanted to see my family grow now. I wanted to have something more in this life now. Oh well, it's over now.