Etiquette question - friend with losses

prsuasv · 05-17-2005, 09:15 PM

Hi, All. I'm hoping you can help me with my dilemma. I posted this on the pg board, and they suggested that this forum may offer more answers. Thanks in advance!

I'm meeting with my ex-boss in a week for lunch with my son and also another co-worker (who happens to be my best friend) with her daughter the same age (18mo). My boss had 2 m/c's while I worked for her, and when I left to be a SAHM, she soon thereafter lost her daughter at 24wks pg (her water broke early). I haven't seen her in over a year - I guess Christopher was about 6 mo when I stopped by work and it brought her to tears. (The loss of her daughter was about 3 months prior). Anyways, I haven't yet mentioned that I am pregnant again (not to mention I now know it is a girl). It was hard for her to see me pregnant every day when I was working for her. She did work hard to handle it well, but I know it was difficult for her. She loves children and has been TTC for 8+ years and with the losses it is difficult. I recognize that women TTC have much less of a problem dealing with kids than they do pregnant women.

So my question is this - do I write her a polite email and tell her that I'm pg before I go to lunch so that I don't blindside her? I simply can't hide it at this point. Or do I not mention it and simply don't bring it up unless she does? I know that the last thing she wants is to hear about this pg, and I don't have a problem with that. But should I mention it to her first? Or would going out of my way to let her know first be more offensive that I thought she needed to know?

The last time I spoke to her was when I was newly pg and wasn't telling people about it yet. I admit to not trying to keep up with her because I am pg and didn't want to hurt her discussing it. The lunch date came up because my best friend emailed a picture of our kids together, and she hasn't seen them in some time, and she really does love kids and want to see them.

All thoughts welcome.
Thanks so much in advance!
Elizabeth

tariana · 05-17-2005, 10:50 PM

I don't really know what to tell you, advice-wise, but I did want to thank you for being so sensitive to the needs of people who have had losses. I haven't, personally, and hope never to, but I cannot wait to start TTC and it is even hard for me to see women who are PG or have babies.

Oh, I guess I do have advice: I would email her and tell her that you are PG. That way she can react to it in private and won't be so surprised. She will also have a bit of time to get her feelings about it sorted out.

Reebekah · 05-17-2005, 11:22 PM

Thats a tough one. Are you showing yet? Does she have to know? I thought about it and decided that I would want to know ahead of time to prepare myself mentally. However, everyone is different, so you need to make a judgement based on how well you know her. Whatever you do, dont make it THE topic of conversation at lunch. I'm sure it will be briefly mentioned, as will your living child, but hopefully you will also be able to talk with her about other subjects as well.
Good luck

LaurAnnHere · 05-17-2005, 11:49 PM

I would have wanted to know ahead of time, too. The shock could cause a more emotional reaction. It might be especially painful for her b/c your child and the child she lost are about the same age anyway. Do enjoy yourself and don't be on edge all night worrying about what and what not to say. This would just make you both uncomfortable. I know that sometimes I felt worse b/c I knew that I was making others uncomfortable more than they were making me. Ree is right about not dominating the conversation with talk about the baby. That is the worst thing to have to sit through when you are ttc or have lost a child. Obviously, you are a really sensitive and caring person. I am sure that you will handle this just fine.

GabrielsMom · 05-18-2005, 12:09 AM

Elizabeth, thank you so much for asking! I really wish that all people were as sensitive as you are. I really think you ought to tell her that you are pregnant before you go. If it was me, I would be upset to be surprised with it and I don't know how I'd handle that. That way, she can prepare herself for it and it won't be "the elephant in the room" if you know what I mean. Some women on here have said that they are insulted if they are not told about a pregnancy. I think I would be.

Like others have said, I'm sure you will do just fine. You sound like a really caring person.

AvivaElona · 05-18-2005, 12:12 AM

I would e-mail her and let her know AND tell her some of what you told us...that you want to see her but also know how hard her losses must be. I can't tell you what a relief it is for someone to just say they understand that you are grieving and its ok to mention it. I think it was easier to deal with friends who were pregnant but also were able to say they understood that I might be upset to be around them, than it was to deal with those who weren't pregnant but couldn't understand why I might be uncomfortable in certain situations.

Aviva

prsuasv · 05-18-2005, 01:19 AM

Thanks ladies for all of your thoughts - the more I have mulled on this, the more I know I need to tell her. I used to tell her everything that was going on in my life - including all of my troubles that hubby and I were going through at one point. She was the person that I called when I thought hubby and I were going to split. (Thankfully, we worked through everything). Anyways, when I did get pregnant a few months after that disaster, I almost felt guilty. We knew we wanted children, but wereen't officially trying at that time (I, in fact, had started back to school as I didn't think I would be able to conceive). She was also the person who said to me that if I knew I would have trouble conceiving (PCOS), I needed to start trying right away. She wished she had. Long story short, I stopped confiding in her after I was pregnant to try and be sensitive to her difficulty conceiving. And I really want to open that channel up again, but don't want to impose upon her. I guess I need to mention that in the email. Hopefully she has the same personal email at home - I haven't used it in the last few years.

Thanks again for all of the heartfelt responses. I'm so sorry for the losses that any of you have experienced, and really appreciate the time that you have taken to reply.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

leamop · 05-18-2005, 01:24 AM

Everyone is certainly going to deal with the news differently, but having just recently lost my first child at 12 weeks and having been ttc for a few years, and working with now 3 pregnant ladies and having 3 close friends with newborns, I too appreciate your concern more than I can say. I however, would feel funny about recieving an email to inform me of a friends pregnancy. You know her and we don't so like we've all said, her reaction will be very individual. If I were in your ex-bosses position, I would prefer a phone call, to me it would be less awkward and more personal. If I got an email, I'd likely not mention the pregnancy even at the lunch because it would feel like you were uneasy about discussing it with me because of my history. If you are showing not mentioning it would likely feel so uncomfortable, like having lunch with a friend with a body-cast and pretending you didn't notice. No matter what you do, she'll likely feel sad and try to hide it. Being that you are a compassionate person, just keep it in your mind that she isn't upset because you are pregnant, she's upset because she isn't. I always cringe when I see a pregnant belly, but at the same time I love to see them...I know that makes very little sense. A phone call ahead of time would also be an opportunity for her to back out if it absolutely would be too painful for her.
If only everone were as considerate as you are! I hope regardless of what you decide to do that you enjoy yourself at lunch.

LaurAnnHere · 05-18-2005, 02:39 AM

I think, since you were pretty close in the past that perhaps a personal telephone call in advance might be in order. I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to explain that you are pregnant and you didn't want to just surprise her with that. Express how excited you are that you'll be seeing her again and all of that. Emails can be kind of cold and impersonal. Don't keep her on the phone a long time. If you sense she wants to cut the call short let her off the hook fast b/c she might be getting emotional, but don't just call to tell her you're pregnant and let her go, unless she makes that move. Avoiding talking to someone b/c they have lossed their baby and you feel uncomfortable can be painful for that person, too. You already feel alone in the world and then your friends are afraid to talk to you.

VivC · 05-18-2005, 02:57 PM

I'd go with the phone call, since you were close in the past. Lay it all out there, and she'll appreciate it.

prsuasv · 05-18-2005, 05:14 PM

Thanks to everyone for all of the replies. I chose to email her personal at home account - she is a very busy executive at a major company and I didn't want to interrupt her day - she's a very private person and I know that she would prefer to handle this kind of info on her own. Anyways, I chose the perfect thing for my friend - she was very appreciative of my thoughfulness and of course she wants to see us! She was also very gracious, as I had hoped.

Thanks again to everyone,
Elizabeth

leamop · 05-19-2005, 03:19 AM

Elizabeth, I'm glad that it all worked out well! You'll have a great lunch and hopefully will rekindle your friendship. Struggling with losses/infertility is so hard, but it is sooo much harder alone! It is pretty apparent that you are a good friend for being so thoughtful!