Is this fair for a family member to do to you?

angrypcoser · 01-20-2005, 05:27 PM

I'm going to adopt a child, after TTC back in 1997, and it resulted in 2 miscarriages.

My mom is against me even having children, because my other 2 sisters have disappointed her badly before in life.

She feels that she's "been there and done that" and that it's not worth it because all they'll do is tell you FU when they're grown.

I am very close to my mother, but it really hurts me when she does this.

You see, she is the type of mother who, if she doesn't get her way, WILL make your life miserable until she DOES get her way.

I'm the only daughter she can really "count on", and I think that having the one daughter she can "play with" and have a good time with...that having children may take away that bond.

I've long put her wants in front of my husband and I's needs...but, WHAT do you do?

I live in a house they own, and pay rent. It was my grandmother's. If I were to move to get out from under her clutches...well...why should I? The house is willed to me.

Well, this all is hard to understand without divulging more, but, what do you all think? I'm tired of her getting her way with my life, and my husband will not talk back to her, because I have asked him not.

I honestly think if he spoke his mind, that she would make our lives MISERABLE in an attempt to get us to divorce.

What do you all think? Been there? What did you do?

Thanks.

Kristi

dachshundqueen · 01-20-2005, 05:47 PM

At some point, we all have to do what is best for us and our husbands. There may be consequences that we don't like - but we do what is best for OUR family (us and our husbands) NOT our parents. That is the best advice that I have to offer, which my parents have been telling me for years.

I mean, there is always a path of moderation. Don't go out of your way to be nasty, but do get what you want out of life. If you and your husband want children, have them. Your mother's interference long term may destroy your marriage if your husband really wants to have children - biological or adopted.

So........longwinded...............who do you choose? Your mother, or your husband? I don't know. Me, personally, I'd choose my husband. I made that contract with him at the alter.

HTH and GL Liz

Chastity · 01-20-2005, 05:49 PM

I've found that when yoyu have to ask if something is fair then it's ususally not. I think it's totally selfish for your mother to be against you having children. Liek you said, I don't know your whole story but here's is my experience.

In the past I put my mom before my self and my husband and it caused a serious strain on our relationship. My mother basically made me choose to either have myself and DH as #1 or her. My relationship with DH won. She tried to become way too involved in our relationship. Whether we had childrend, went on vacation, or got a new credit card....she trid to involve her self in it. I just had to put a stop to it. It's controlling. I was baiscally letting my mother control my life. I think I loved her more than she loved me. I just let her walk all over me. And when I stood up to her she backed out of my life. Now I rarely talk to her, I still love her. BUT my marriage is 100% solid and I have a beautiful son. My Dh was there for me when Mom wasn't, he offered support when she brought me down. I made the decision I had to make.

I'm not saying walk away from your mother, but live your life for you. Do what's best for YOU. Who's interests does your mother look out for?

Good Luck and keep us updated.
Chastity