Faith after loss

kw0602 · 09-08-2002, 06:00 PM

In 1998, I received devastating news that my aunt had cancer. I was in college at the time. I drove 2 hours to see her every weekend that I could and sometimes during the week. I never wanted a miracle like I wanted this one. I am a Chrisitain and at that time I became even more devoted to my faith. I prayed to no end. I asked everyone that I knew to pray for her. I had faith that she would be healed. I just knew it in my heart. But, 5 months after her diagnosis she died. Confused, air hungry and in pain.

Since then my faith and belief in God has NOT been the same. Sometimes I go to church, but not like I should. Sometimes I pray, but not like I used to. I find it easier to pray for others and give God glory in the miracles that I see in my job(I am a nurse in an ICU). I ask my patients if they would like for me to pray for them. I can give encouragement, but since my aunt's death, I have ABSOLUTELY NO FAITH when it comes to my prayers being answered.

I long for the relationship that I once had with God but whenever I make steps in that direction, I am always reminded of how disappointed I was when my aunt died. I think it is just easier to expect the worst than to be disappointed when something does not happen. I HATE feeling this way. I have talked to so many people about this and noone seems to be able to help. It is like I have a guard around my feelings. I am in tears typing this.

I am pregnant. On Friday, my Dr. called me and told me that my # were not doubling the way that they should. So "it is likely that this pregnancy will end in miscarriage". I am so hurt. All weekend I have had my brother's family here with their 3 week old. That made it even worse for me. I have 2 step children that live with me and caring for them thinking that I may never have my own makes me harbor resentment. These feelings are not part of my personality at all!

I am afraid to pray for my baby because I can not stand to have another major disappontment. I have been like this for years now and I want to break free and just be happy again.

Yolanda · 09-08-2002, 07:55 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now. I will be praying for you and your baby.

I can't predict the future, and I pray your baby will be fine. I don't know what God's plan is, but I know he loves you and wants you to come to Him with your problems. I know it is so hard to hear that God answers prayers when it seems like he isn't answering yours. I can't give you any answers except that I know with all my heart He is waiting for you to come to him, and his arms are open to comfort you if needed, and to love you.

Life is hard and has great disappointments, even with God by your side. All I know is that the trials and heartbreak I have in my life are easier to deal with when I go to the Lord. God bless you.

Juana Baby · 09-10-2002, 12:58 AM

Hello, I have to say that this is my story also. But I have had a different conclusion.

My father passed away in 1995 on my birthday. He was diagnosed with cancer in November 1994. He was always a faithful Christian and would go up front to be prayed for every Sunday. He said that he was going through the pain of chemotherapy so that we would not have to go through the pain of losing him. I prayed so much that year and really felt like my faith was strong. My girlfriend even bought me a beautiful cross to wear so that I would remember to pray for my Dad every day. When he passed away I was so angry. Not only for the fact that he died, but that he died on my birthday. I want to say that my faith died too.

I was married in 1999, and my husband I had tried to conceive for over a year when we started infertility treatment in 2000. I went through all of the testing and had failed two IUI's. On December 30, 2000, I received a letter from the insurance company stating that my benefits were dropped and that I could only have one more IUI (instead of 6 IUI's and 3 IVF's). On top of that, my husband and I had a huge fight and he walked out. I tried to commit suicide on New Years Eve. My husband found me and called the ambulance and I spent the New Years in the E.R. My husband decided that day that his family would serve the Lord. That we would never do anything like that again. And so, my walk with God started ever so slowly.

I conceived with the last IUI/Gonal F. I miscarried after 6 weeks. This was my second miscarriage.

I also conceived this year with herbs/prayer, and miscarried at 7 weeks.

Let me tell you my version of all of this. God does answer your prayers. He answers them 1)yes, 2) no -- or 3) wait. What I have learned is that I have to pray for His will. Not mine. That is the hardest thing to do. It was not God's will for my Father, and my babies to live. It definitely was Mine though. But that is part of learning to live for Him is to seek His will in all things.

The only way you can be truly happy is to seek His Will. And know that all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose. You are going to have disappointments in life. You are going to have trials and tribulations. But God can comfort you - and he will if let him. Think about it this way. Your still going to have troubles if you don't serve God. Wouldn't it make things easier for you in the long run if you did with Him by your side?

I hope this does not seem preachy to you. I will pray for you that you can receive the comfort and guidance that only a walk with God can provide. Please e-mail me or let me know how you are doing.

laural

kw0602 · 09-10-2002, 02:00 PM

My biggest problem with prayer is that it is not my will but His. So why should I pray and ask for anything. Regardless it will always be God's will. So how can I pray knowing that God is not answering my prayer, just doing His will for my life.

Duchess · 09-10-2002, 02:42 PM

Dear kw0602,
I have been dealing with many of the same feelings as you. I was about 7weeks into what I thought was a blessed miracle, and I started to m/c one day before you..... with betas not rising approp. for 2 weeks.....OB wouldn't tell me that the pg was hopeless, and I couldn't resign myself to think the worse. So for 2 weeks I lay spotting and getting betas drawn. 2 horrible weeks. I was really mad at God, and let him know it. So many of my friends know how much I have put my faith in God, and seek my council on doing the right thing according to his will. I had prayed before we tried to conceive, that if it were his will, then it would be so. You see i am 38. I have been told that I was infertile without pcos diag. for 10 years or so. I was diag. 14 mos. ago, and have lost weight and controlled symp. by low carbing and herbs. I was ready to adopt, and dh said lets give it a try ourselves, and after prayer and putting it in Gods hands, we got pg the first month of trying! Then the worst has happened. I am in the miscarriage right now..but I write this because I have come to a realization, and I hope it will help you look at things from another perspective. What I knew in my heart was that God would never want me to hurt like this. Nor do I believe that this is Gods will for me, but many of my loved ones have tried to comfort me, by saying it is Gods will. If you believe in God, then you must also be aware of all the spritual factors unseen in our lives. God doesn't always prevent tradgedy befalling even his most devoted. What I have come to realize, or choose to believe, is that although its not his will that I had a m/c, it is his will that I don't lose my resolve to trust in him to see me through it. To keep the faith and know that he may not answer my prayers as per my instructions, but he knows my grief, and as any loving father whos child rants and raves out of hurt, he welcomes me back in his care with tender words and comfort. I was not afraid to tell him I was sorry for doubting him, and sorry I lost my faith. Now I feel even stronger, and as we will try again, I know I can withstand so much, and this time, I won't distance God, but will keep him ever so near to cushion the blows of this world.
My prayers are with you. And take comfort in knowing that I have been praying for you since you posted in other boards about your m/c. I was in too much pain to write you then, but my heart reaches to you now cyster, because you are going thru an almost identical ordeal as myself, and please know, that you brought me much comfort knowing in my darkest hour, I wasn't alone.......
Lisa