yania

Everything around me just seems to be falling apart, no matter when I look it is all just going to fall apart, if it be now, or if it be later. I want the world to stop turning, and spining, and making me feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I want to stop feeling like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I want to stop upsetting the one person that I care so much about, but yet I do. I want to change who I am, I wnat to look differently, I want all kinds of things...but the chances of all that heppening are very slim to none, My biggest fear right now, is pushing away the only person that I know that cares about me, and I think i actually succeded in doing that very thing today. And I'm sorry for it all. Im sorry for everything!!! Why can't I jsut crawl into a hole and pull a roock down over me. I am the one that keeps screwing everything up, repeativly. And with my very luck I am going to do that until, I have no one left. You knwo how when someone has a horse, and they break a leg or something, they shoot them to put them out of their misery, and becaue they are of no use anymore to anyone. Why can't that just happen to me. Just shoot me, and get it over with, that way I will stop hurting people in my life. Stop hurting the one that I love, and trust with everythign that I know. I keep to myself as it is, I am very anti social, and I have actually did something I feared that I would do, and that was push him away, and make him mad. I DONT WANT THAT!!!! I want to make it stop, I want the world to stop spinning around me, I want it all to come to a sudden hault. Make it all go away, make it all better.....but i dont know how. The only way I know how to deal with depression is to inflict pain among myself, and I promised him I wouldn't. I promised that I wouldn't do it again. I want my mind taken off of things, I try and try to write more and more and more, and it doesn't help anymore. I seriously thought I could not cry anymore, and yet I still seem to amaze myself. I don't know how to make it all stop. I don't want to hurt him, or anyone else. I want to make things better, and I jsut seem to mess them all up even more. Im sorry....

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Gunnie

It sounds like you need to take step back and see where the roller coaster is. Let everything slow down a little bit and take one step at a time. Breathe. We have all been in your shoes at one time or another, and it will get better, but you can't solve everything all at once. Keep posting and let us know what we can do to help you!

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Joseph H.S. Mills (AKA Trauma Jewel) 1/18/36 - 3/1/04. I miss you dad!


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heather090702

(((Hugs)))

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please don't apologize for your feelings, it is not your fault! I think you really should see your doctor and consider antidepressants. We are always always always here for you! If you need anything please PM me or leave a thread! We are here to support you. Keep us updated please.

Heather

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yania

The bad part is, is that I am on anti depressants, and I know that I have mood swings from hell, but everythign it just seems to be falling apart more and more, the more I look into things :s

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hellofromangie

Hugs.

Have you considered talking with a counselor, or a professional to help you sort everything out? If the antidepressants aren't working, your doctor might want to increase your dosage, or change you to another antidpressant. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medicine and right dosage.

Angie

champ5977

i agree with everyone else. take a step back and look what is going on around you. trust me i do alot of the same things. i hurt the one i love alot to its not that i do on pupose, because i dont. we have such a different of oppions. plus he is older than me by 13 years. you need to take some time out for yourself. take a few days and go some where to think and relax. it would be nice if all of us cysters could get together and met like at the beach for a couple of days that way we would physciall have a shoulder to cry on. i hope this helps.

yania

Well as for counseling, or professional help, I spent most of my childhood in couunseling (long long long story - demented family) and was actually made to go see professional help once, and he called me crazy so I stuck a pencil through his hand, hey I was only 8 years old. But ever since, no havent gone back to one, Supposly, I am to much to handle, and I have to much on my shoulders, and obviously according to the prfessionals, I'm just flat out crazy

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Rozlynn

There is no Reason For you to be RUDE! NOW LOOK WHO IS STALKING!!! nuf said



yania I am sorry that you are feeling this way. ((HUGS)) Things will get better in time - - I know the cheesy saying but somewhere along the line something will give and let it not be you

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katkhan

I will not longer stoop to her level, she can e-mail me all the nasty remarks she wishes.
I will forward them ALL to kat.

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One day at a time.....KAT
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Mickey 99

TickledPink

whats going on here???


if someone would like to PM me so I can try to fix the problem here, that would be good!



I am not in the best place emotionally, thats why I am not around much these days, but I still mod this board, and no fighting etc especially on the depression board! we ALL need support!

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PCOS: Metformin 1500mgs daily(Oct/03).
Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar Type II: Effexor 225 mgs, .5mgs clonazapam, and 900mgs Lithium daily. litebook therapy(Dec/04).
Meniere's Disease:
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santa'sbaby

Ditto to the other Mod...any further insulting posts on the depression board will result in this thread being deleted. This board is for support not for personal flame wars.

Thank you.

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mdcoolus

Hi yania

I hope ur feeling better by now. Life sometimes is so unfair to us. My story is pretty depressing and I keep wondering how come things happen to me.......but then life has to go on.
I was diagonised with a rare type of brain tumor in 2001 and had to go thru 13 hrs surgery with which the Dr was unable to get the whole stuff out. I survived but then had to go thru a miscarriage(PCOS has always high risk of miscarriage), then went thru IF treatments and again in 2004 I conceived and everything was ok only when we came to know that the baby had serious blood disorder(genetic) so I had to go for abortion .It was pain to let the preg go which was conceived after so much of mental and financial hassels.
just two mths later I had my 2nd surgery on the brain tumor ......now trying again to get preg but then the sad thoughts keeps coming .......Just hoping this time things go normal coz we have a 25% chance with every preg having the serious bloood disorder.....but then counting on the rest 75% of being normal.......
With so much on my plate I decided to see a counsellor who had send me to the Dr who recommended Prozac which I am yet to take.
I feel so helpless sometimes but then have no choice. When I think the more worse could have happened but did'nt I feel fortunate.
Hang in there and I am sure u will overcome the depression.
best wishes
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CarrieBoo

Hi Yania. I just wanted to drop you a quick note and tell you to hang in there. I recently went through a rough patch where it seemed bad things kept piling and piling on me until I could almost barely breathe. It's hard, I know, but you'll make it through. There are lots of cysters here to help. *hugs*

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yania

I am very sorry that you do have so much going on, sometimes it does not seem fair what so ever. This post ws originally from two month ago, and I have worked things out. Yeah I am still dealing with the sever depression, and constantly fight off thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking, but I am hanging in there. There are a lot of things that I still need to learn how to handle yeah, Iknow that, and I am trying very very hard, to take it slow and take one step at a time. Eventually everything will work out, and then I'll be able to laugh about it all. But until then, I do have the support of someone extrememly special to me, and I know that they will always be ther for me. As far as well the easiest way to put it "emotional rollercoaster" it is crazy, I sometimes break down for no reason, but It is getting better. I have just had to learn not to keep everything inside, because it would slowly tear me apart more then I was falling apart. So Like I said one step at a time, and I'll make it. And so will everyone else. Depression isn't the easiest ting to deal with, let alone lie with, but I am trying to refuse it to run my life.

I hope everything works out for you, and that it will all turn ok in the end. I am very sorry for the losses that you have had to endure, and I know for a fact that it isn't the easiest thing to deal with, and it adds just more on to the stress, because you finally got that goal, and then you had to give it up. I have been in the same situation myself five years ago, and there still to this day is not a day that goes by that I don't thinkk about it, and beat myself up over it. But it was the best option that I had at the time, and it well it was jsut a better decision. Eventually everything WILL work out, and you will get all that you deserve.

Pm me anytime if you like.

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