Falling in love with these children...trying to not get my hopes up...

Adoption Momma · 04-19-2005, 10:46 AM

DH and I chose to stop clomid last month in order to pursue adoption. There is a foster family in our church that has a sibling group of 4 little girls ages 3,5,7 & 9 (who have quite a few children and have already said they will not adopt them; they want to be able to foster). Their parents are meth addicts. Dad's in jail and mom has a court hearing in May. She has missed the last 3 visits and isn't doing anything to work towards getting them back. The judge told her she had until her court hearing in May and then her rights would be terminated.

Every Sunday I see these girls and get emotional. I desperately want to see them in the loving and nurturing home they deserve and it breaks my heart they are going thru this. Sunday, the 3 yr old asked me to hug her. My uncle's the pastor and she loves him so much! If he's anywhere near her, she's gotta get a hug from him.

We're having a bible conference this week and during a break my mom was holding the 3 yr old. She ended up reaching for me and I got to hold her for the first time (when I hugged her somebody else has holding her). It felt so right. We both had to go potty

so I took her to the bathroom and the other girls where in there. The 9 yr old immediately hugged me. When I had the 3 yr old in the stall, I heard the 9 yr old ask to sit w/me.

After church, they ran over to hug my mom and then hugged me and the 3 yr old reached for me again. She asked me to carry her to the car and put her in her seat. On the way out, her foster sister asked her if she was going home w/miss Tina and she said yes and looked at me and said, "Do you have a carseat?"

I wake up thinking about these girls, fall asleep thinking about them and think about them all day. I want to protect them and love them and nurture them. I'm trying to stay even keel around DH b/c he will start freakin' out thinking I've gotten my hopes up. I know we live in the real world where anything could happen. But I cry when I see them going home w/someone else and I have go to an empty house. I think of the precious time that I don't get to spend w/them and pray if it's meant to be that God will not let a lot of time pass; that we will be able to spend as many precious moments with these wonderful children.

Thanks for listening....Tina

Lisa67 · 04-19-2005, 10:55 AM

Wow Tina. That's an emotional story. I know your heart is probably aching right about now.

I'm sorry I don't know the full story behind the girls but are you going to start the process to adopt them or do you need to take over fostering them first? I don't know how that all works. What happens once the birthmom's rights are terminated?

Whichever happens, I'll be thinking of you and hoping things go just as you pray they do.

HUGS
Lisa

dna · 04-19-2005, 01:01 PM

Wow...what feels right can only be right ? Is that what they say ?

I will be thinking about you and get yer butt in there to apply to adopt them ! At least show your interest otherwise noone will know you want to be their Momma...

Let us know what happens

Lisa2008 · 04-19-2005, 01:48 PM

oh wow, i hope you are able to make it work. they sound precious. i hate to sound negative, but i wanted to mention, just by how you described these girls, they sound like they may have an attachment dissorder of some kind. i could be way off, but being overly friendly to strangrs, or someone other than their caregiver can indicate a problem with attaching. i dont mean to scare you off, they sound like wonderful girls, and i would want to scoop them all up too, i hope you are able to navigate the system and adopt them. i hope i havent overstepped.

Adoption Momma · 04-19-2005, 03:49 PM

Thanks for the replies...

I spoke w/their foster mom last week and she said the only time they get upset/attitude problem is when their mom doesn't show up for the meetings. After the last time, she told their case worker she is NOT putting the girls thru that anymore. She told the case worker to continue to schedule visits and if the mom decides to show up, call and they will take the kids up there. But she is not subjecting them to anymore disappointment.

Yes, it's very obvious these girls just want to belong to someone and be loved. I don't see them doing this w/everyone. My uncle's their pastor and my mom is their children's church teacher so they are adults they feel comfortable with. There are definite attachment issues though.

We are not approaching their case worker at this time b/c I know how DCS works and they will want to immediately place them with us to foster to adopt. I don't think that's healthy for the girls. They are in a lovely and nurturing foster home right now and they need stability. I think it's best to wait and see if mom continues the pattern and doesn't make progress. The foster mom knows we are interested in adopting. She said in the event the judge decides to terminate her rights in May (which it looks like that will probably happen) then she will tell their case worker there is a couple in the church that are interested in adopting them. Then we will discuss foster to adopt with the case worker.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting our house prepared. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to have the best home I can provide. I can't remember the exact quote, but one of my favorite all-time movie quotes is from Cheaper by the Dozen when Steve Martin says, "If I screw up raising my kids, nothing else I accomplish in life will matter much."

so-tired · 04-19-2005, 06:33 PM

Wow. That is amazing. I would consider getting in touch with the social worker anyway. Make sure that you are in mind for a home for them... y'know?

Good luck! {{hugs}}

Lisa2008 · 04-19-2005, 07:54 PM

i agree with Heather, and you will probably still need to go through the home study process. I'd at leaste contact the agency and ask some questions about the process, and how long it might take to become an approved home.

HISIRISHGEM · 04-20-2005, 03:45 AM

I'm new to this adoption process anyways...I just wanted to say I'm lifting you up in prayer. My heart breaks to hear how much you love these children. I pray that your heart would be protected and that these children get a good loving home, preferrably yours!

Adoption Momma · 04-20-2005, 04:12 PM

As far as the home study...we've already been thru the DCS foster parenting classes and the home study. That was a few years ago so I don't know if we would have to go thru all of that again or not. DH wants to wait to contact b/c there are a few "projects" to get done around the house and he doesn't want to be "inspected" before they're completed.

Our bible conference is thru tomorrow night. I had something upsetting happen at work yesterday so I sat in the nursery and listened to the message. I didn't want them to see me upset. Hopefully, I'll get to see them tonight. A week from Saturday we are taking all of the kids on an outing so I'll get to spend the day with them. We're going to chuck e cheese...woo hoo!

Lisa2008 · 04-20-2005, 05:04 PM

in my understanding homestudies need to be updated every year, to be kept relevant. but that is great you have a head start on the process.

Adoption Momma · 04-20-2005, 05:28 PM

thanks for the info....that's good to know. If I get the opportunity tonight, I might ask the foster mom if she thinks it would be a good idea to contact the case worker...

macrod · 04-27-2005, 05:20 PM

Have you all considered respite for the girls? This could help alot when it goes to committee.

Adoption Momma · 04-27-2005, 11:13 PM

I just got home from church and we spoke to the foster mom. Apparently the dad gets out of jail in September and he will still be given an opportunity to pursue custody. I love these little girls so much and hearing that he grabbed them by the hair and threw them against the wall makes me so angry!!!

We are now working on getting furniture and all of that wonderful good stuff. DH is skeptical after hearing about the dad but so much could happen. Personally, I wouldn't be opposed to foster to adopt with them so they can start school. The dad is a meth addict and has a history of abuse. What a sad country we live in if the government would consider allowing this man to have custody of any children.

These girls continue to reach out to us more and more. Tonight I had 1 in my arms, 1 clung to my leg and two others clutched to me. Lots of kisses and hugs. They are so excited that we're going to chuck e cheese this saturday and they all have already "called dibs" on me.

~Traci~ · 04-28-2005, 12:31 AM

It is sad that in this country the rights of abusers are so strong especially when it comes to kids

It makes me so mad and sad at the same time. That's one of the major reasons we didn't even think of foster to adopt b/c I know I couldn't handle it. I would call the SW and tell her you're interested. Get the whole story from her b/c you might find out more from her than the FM.

Good Luck!
I hope it all works out for you and the girls,
Traci

Adoption Momma · 04-28-2005, 10:23 AM

Thanks Traci....

Last night the 5 y/o immediately ran to me and hugged me. She asked to sit w/me but since they had class, her fm said no. So, they sit in front of us and as soon as she sits down, she gets up on her knees, turns around and reaches for my hand. She said she wanted me to take her upstairs and she wasn't letting go of my hand until I did.

I gently told her that Miss Ruth was going to be her teacher and I was going to sit downstairs. Of course, I would have loved to been upstairs w/them but she needs to listen to what she's instructed and also learn that if I say I will still be there, that I will be.

It's their ritual that Miss Tina walk them to their car (usually with kids clung in her arms or around her legs). They can't wait to tell me about their day and what's going on in their lives. I went to put the 5 y/o in the car and she said, "I don't want to get in the car until you leave. I want to stay w/you." The 7 y/o ask how many more days until we go to chuck e cheese. I told her 3. When they started to leave, she said, "3 more days until we get to see you and go to chuck e cheese."

And of course, I got in my car and cried all the way home having to put "my girls" in somebody else's car and not be able to take them to our home. DH says I'm irrational for calling them "our girls"...I know legally they are not our daughters but I feel in my heart one day they will be.