Family to family adoption, anyone?? Questions and concerns.

Salinas_24 · 09-04-2007, 01:16 AM

Hello everyone.
Dh and I have been ttc for almost 5 yrs, have had 2 pregnancies 1 resulted in a chemical pregnancy and the other in a blighted ovum.
We are starting to wonder if we will ever be able to have a fully successful pregnancy.
Dh and I were at my brothers house and I was holding my 1 month old nephew (whom is just such a joy and so handsome), and the boys went to the video store to rent some movies which justr left us girls (my brothers fiance) and the baby.
Suddenly my brothers fiance starts talking to me about wanting to have a serious serious chat with me. So I get a bit worried thinking something is wrong.
She starts of by asking how soon we would like to have a baby? I start laughing and I replied, 5 yrs ago soon. So she proceded to tell me that my brother and her have been talking about having a baby for us, so I thought she meant being a serrogate (there is no way we can afford that) and I said thank you so much for the offer but we cant afford that.
She then says no, I mean we will get pregnant and have a baby for you guys. At first I was like awwwww, but then I was like there is no way that you guys will be able to do something like that, think about it, giving up a child is a difficult thing to do and she has 2 kids and loves them to death, she is such an awesome mom.
She then tells me that she has been thinking about doing it for us since befor she got pregnant with my nephew, and she says that they are prepared to do it for us. I was speechless, she proceded to tell me that she knows we will make wonderful parents and she is totally comfortable with us adopting a child that they specifically get pregnant with for us. Omg its like everything you wanna hear when struggling with infertility but when it is a situation where the child that you would be adopting is really your niece or nephew, I know that I will be able to attach myself and have the mommy mind set right away and dh will be able to do the same, but, will they be able to take on the aunt uncle mind set is the question, kwim?
They say yes yes yes they will, but what happends when the child is older and realizes that he or she looks more like there aunt and uncle and cousins and look nothing like mommy and daddy. Then they start asking questions, I would never lie to him or her, I would explain to him or her everything and I would explain that they got pregnant for us, so that we could have that little miracle that we just could'nt achieve on our own.
I guess if it came to this all I would be able to approach the situation.

Dh and I are honestly considering this. Are we crazy? At this point, yes I guess we are a little crazy but we will never be able to afford ivf, or a serrogate,def would'nt be able to afford having to go through an adoption agency and that is never a sure thing, and we have just enough to do 1 more cycle of inj's then we will have to take a long break to save up some money for more rounds of inj's if this next cycle does'nt work.
I guess in a way my mind is already made up if this next cycle does'nt work out for us.

Do any of you ladies know what is all involved in a family to family adoption? I live in pa and I have no idea what the state laws are when it comes to that. Will we have to go through an adoption agency, or would they just be able to relenquish there rights to us?
I know that we will probably have to go to court and all for the legal stuff but how in depth will the process be? Will it be just as expensive as a regular adoption? Will the courts even allow such a thing? I mean it will be as open of a adoption as an open adoption will get. We live 2 doors down from each other, we talk and see each other every day.

I want to know what we will be getting ourselves into befor getting into it, kwim? I want to be prepared and want no surprises.
I dont want to say yes go ahead and start bd and then she gets pregnant and in the end legally, it will never be allowed.

Can any of you ladies help me?
Thanks in advance girls, I really appreciate it.

mommavia · 09-04-2007, 01:28 AM

I would contact an agency that works in domestic adoption...this is definately a unique situation. I am certain that the adoption laws of the state or states in which you and your brother/fiance live will need to be followed. Each state's Department of Children's Services (or similarly named dept) should have the state's adoption laws on the website. Just push the Google button!

Cynthia

Miss-Meme · 09-04-2007, 01:57 AM

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole getting pg just so you can adopted, but thats a whole different story.

Theres the whole, who will pay for what? Who will pay for the doctor visits and the birth.

Do a google on your state adoption laws and find out if you have to use an agency in your state or if you can use an attorney. If you can use an attorney it will be cheaper.

We used a local attorney to do our adoption, some disagree on with that and say that you need to use an adoption attorney. Do what you feel is right for you.

You will still need to have a homestudy done and all that good stuff. So you will still have to find an agency to do that. Some times Department of Children's Services do them, but I'm not sure on that.

Have you thought about maybe just using your DH sperm. If she is able to get Pg easily I believe there are home kits that can be used, where you DH does his thing in a cup and the sperm is placed into the womens vagina. Just a thought? Doing this would mean that it is legally his child and you would do a step parent adoption and may not have to do a homestudy, you'd have to check with your state on that.

Good luck. Let us know what you do.

Salinas_24 · 09-04-2007, 02:03 AM

Thanks girls, I just did some research of my own, it is still a pretty in depth process. i was kind of living in the moment when I posted this. I have decided that this is not the right thing for us.
It just does'nt seem right, I am thinking more clearly (thank god) and as good as it was sounding, we will pass. But thanks for the advice/help.

Miss-Meme · 09-04-2007, 11:31 PM

I'm glad you thought it out.

I don't think I would feel right about someone getting pg just so we could adopt it.