Family is NOT supportive of adoption!

toomuchcoffeelady · 12-26-2007, 05:29 PM

Anyone else deal with this?

My extended family - when the subject of our adoption mission comes up - is very dismissive. It's really hurtful bc I come from a large, close-knit extended family and always assumed my kids would be embraced into that.

For example, I mentioned to my mom that I was sad that a certain foreign orphanage didn't want to work with me (to twist the knife in my heart, my IR, aka the reason I'm having so much difficulty getting and staying PG, was their excuse), and she asked something to the effect of wouldn't my husband and I rather have a child that looks like us (Nordic).

Other relatives have told me that they feel adoption is "selling myself short" or have suggested to me that perhaps my difficulties getting and staying pregnant are "nature's way of telling [me] something". My inlaws of course, since I am a stepparent, are very vocal that my SD will grow up to be an ax murderer if H and I have children together.

I have a known fertility problem, and have lost 3 pregnancies (I'm 28). My husband and I have decided that we are going to keep trying for a biokid, but that we'd like to both give birth and adopt.

My parents even said something to me the other day to the effect of, I need to learn to accept my limitations and work on being grateful for what I do have. Which, good marriage, and well-paying career-wise, sure, but how about all those EMPTY BEDROOMS in our house?

I just wonder sometimes if when we do adopt a child, will my family ignore or reject them? I know that ultimately my parents will support me, but they've "supported" me in the past out of "keeping the peace", not out of actually trusting my abilities to make the best decision for myself. I'd want the extended family to GENUINELY love the child, even if s/he is adopted.

finn · 12-26-2007, 06:56 PM

you need to give them time to think about adoption, for my parents they felt a genuine loss at the thought of not having bio grandkids, now that our son is home and is almost 1 you would never know that they had issues, they treat him just like any grandparent should. They still feel a little bit threatened by his birth family but they are getting there.

calches · 12-26-2007, 07:33 PM

Well, with both of my parents and dh's that are extremely happy about it. They could care less if it adopted or not. It is a baby, will be their grandchild no matter what...that is how they look at it...the rest of the family...my side is very mich enthused at the prospect of another baby! Dh's I have been hesistant in telling them b/c to be honest I am not that clost to anyone and I don't really want all the questions...I assume that my mil will tell them...anyhow, that is another story...I have only had one negative with this whole thing...it was an old friend that I could count on for anything...now...she is not so supportive telling me that she doesn't think that dh and I are ready for it...although she has only met dh twice and never had any convos with him...we only talk every couple of weeks...anyhow...this is yours and dh's plan...go with that....if your family doesn't appove so be it. I have learned that you are not going to please everyone...and why should you...this is YOUR life...not theirs...

Miss-Meme · 12-26-2007, 10:41 PM

About 5 years ago when DH and I first looked into adoption my parents (my mom) really didn't think much of it and wanted me to keep trying to get PG.

Last year when we found out that we were going to adopt we (mostly me) was very worried about telling my parents. I was so worried my mom would not be supportive. (DH's mom was adopted and has adopted so we knew his side would not be a problem)

Once we told them a baby was on his way they were so happy! You would never know that he's an adopted grandchild. My mom is over all the time visiting.

Maybe if you got some adoption books or printed off some info online about adopted children. Maybe talk to them on why they have a problem with an adopted child. Some people are scared of the unknown.

*Kristen* · 12-27-2007, 12:43 PM

When there is talk about adoption with my parents, I get some resistance. We are blessed with 3 children, why add to it, or you don't know what those foster kids will bring to your home (behavior issues, issues w/ stress, jealousy, etc), or you already have your hands full. It's hard for me because my parents and I are so close, so I take what they say to heart rather than with a grain of salt. It makes me second guess my instincts about wanting to adopt or the need to expand our family. I just push through it, pray about it, and leave it up to God. They will support us and love the child/ren no matter what though, but it does make me second guess and worry. I probably was no help, but hope that I made you feel like you weren't the only one.

acrosaz · 12-27-2007, 02:29 PM

Hi there - our families were completely supportive of our adopting a baby, but I know they would have wanted us to keep trying to get pregnant if we had not by now. With our son, who was just placed with us 3 weeks ago, they all had A LOT of concerns (he is 5), and we understood. BUT, we felt it was the right thing and we had to do what we felt was right. So far, he has only met my family. It's different, of course, than with our bio daughter. But, it's only been a few weeks. I expect at some point in the future there won't be much difference.

I say all this to say that family support is very important, but YOUR family is the most important thing in the world. If you want to fill up those bedrooms through adoption, go for it! And may you be able to carry a full-term pregnancy somewhere along the way!!!!!!!!

AmyGal · 12-27-2007, 10:48 PM

May I reccommend you buy them a book: "Adoption is a Family Affair!" by Patricia Irwin Johnston.

kmtnmomof3 · 01-02-2008, 11:42 PM

I can identify with your concerns. My H and I decided that we would adopt no matter what. After being diagnosed and not getting pg as soon as we wanted to we moved adoption up on our options list. We talked to both of our families explained this meant the world to us, our children and US were a package deal. Except us as one. And finally we kept them involved in our process. Our 3 children have been blessings and blend unnoticed into our families.
Adoption is an ultimate gift of love and sacrifice.
God bless you all who have given of your hearts and homes.....

Jessie Rae · 01-15-2008, 09:15 PM

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with an unsupportive family! and "selling yourself short"?!?! I can't imagine how I would feel if someone said that my parents sold themselves short because they adopted me. It's not selling yourself short it's having the desire to give a child a loving caring home.

Once you bring the baby/child home I don't know how any grandparent can NOT fall in love with their grandchild no matter their biological origin...especially the first time they hear him or her say "Gramma" or "Grandpa"

DCBailey · 01-31-2008, 01:03 AM

I know how you feel, my family and friends are not that supportive, they want me to keep TTC which we will do but adoption was an option regardless. Ive always wanted to do it and DH is now on the band wagon.
I think the most important people in this decision is you and DH. Do not let outside feelings get in the way of your feelings on this. Adopting a child is a wonderful thing and dont let anyone stand in your way.
They will all come around in time. Im sure its hard for your family too to deal with possibly not having a Bio grandchild but in time im sure they will understand love the child as if it was their bio family.

SunnyInSeattle1 · 01-31-2008, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomuchcoffeelady

Anyone else deal with this?

My extended family - when the subject of our adoption mission comes up - is very dismissive. It's really hurtful bc I come from a large, close-knit extended family and always assumed my kids would be embraced into that.

For example, I mentioned to my mom that I was sad that a certain foreign orphanage didn't want to work with me (to twist the knife in my heart, my IR, aka the reason I'm having so much difficulty getting and staying PG, was their excuse), and she asked something to the effect of wouldn't my husband and I rather have a child that looks like us (Nordic).

Other relatives have told me that they feel adoption is "selling myself short" or have suggested to me that perhaps my difficulties getting and staying pregnant are "nature's way of telling [me] something". My inlaws of course, since I am a stepparent, are very vocal that my SD will grow up to be an ax murderer if H and I have children together.

I have a known fertility problem, and have lost 3 pregnancies (I'm 28). My husband and I have decided that we are going to keep trying for a biokid, but that we'd like to both give birth and adopt.

My parents even said something to me the other day to the effect of, I need to learn to accept my limitations and work on being grateful for what I do have. Which, good marriage, and well-paying career-wise, sure, but how about all those EMPTY BEDROOMS in our house?

I just wonder sometimes if when we do adopt a child, will my family ignore or reject them? I know that ultimately my parents will support me, but they've "supported" me in the past out of "keeping the peace", not out of actually trusting my abilities to make the best decision for myself. I'd want the extended family to GENUINELY love the child, even if s/he is adopted.

Please dont ket you family dictate your life. You will not be happy and it will resent them in the long run. Adopt and keep tryong for a biokid. The kids dont have to live with your family. They have to live with you.

TabbySama · 02-08-2008, 03:04 AM

I think that adopting is a very noble and good hearted thing to do. Yes, you are getting the child that you so desperately want, but moreso, that child is getting a loving family that will give it the attention and care that it needs. Even if my DF and I do manage to have a bio kid we will probably adopt as well. Your true family are the people you love, not necessarily the people with your blood.

alwaysandforever · 02-11-2008, 12:34 AM

OK< this subject caught my attention and my Heart.

My husband and I both have 1 son each from a previous marriage each. We have custody of both and they live with us full time. My son has Autism but after me dedicating the last 6 years to him and intense therapy’s, he is mainstream in school and doing GREAT.

My husband’s family has problems treating people that aren’t blood, like family
((which I have had many a problem with when it comes to me and my son))
and my family thinking another child will take attention away from my son and his continuing therapy’s.

Our thought is that I have always wanted like 3 or 4 kids and because of my PCOS and Adenomyosis, I can’t have anymore so now that both our boys are in school and my son is main stream in school ((& doing great)) I have time to dedicate to a little one.

Besides the fact that ((I AM SURROUNDED BY TESTOSTERONE!!))

we want a little girl sooooo bad. I can even feel little ruffles and bows in my sleep.

But, I just try to ignore them and remember that we have more than enough love

for at least 4 more kids.

ilovemyseabee · 01-08-2009, 03:36 AM

I was adopted, and I'd just like to thank you for considering adoption. I think the thing that many people don't realize is that by adopting you are offering a helpless child a chance a good life, without you their life could go in a completely different (and many times worse) direction. I completely understand trying to have a bio kid, as I'm trying to myself. My Mother tried until she was about 34 to have children and suffered through a 24 week miscarriage and a still birth. Although I also wonder if any of the women being so negative towards you also have PCOS or had trouble conceiving? Sometimes people are jealous without even realizing it, thinking that if they did it-you can too, or that it's not fair how much more treatment we have available to us now. I'm not sure why they're being so negative, but I wish you luck with everything :o)

Jewels · 01-09-2009, 05:49 PM

Here's the thing about adoption I think some people just don't get... I think they ask themselves, "Could I love a child that's not biologically connected to me?" My experience is MOST CERTAINLY. You are not biologically connected to your spouse and you can love them. You are not biologically connected to your friends and yet you love them. So when you hold a little baby in your arms and they look into your eyes with all that pure innocent love how could anybody NOT fall in love is what I ask? Be open to all the ridiculous questions you may get from everybody and let them know that love is a choice, a gift we give ourselves and others benefit from. Loving a baby will be a joy to you biological or not.