fear after MC of my first?

pinkkitty · 10-07-2008, 01:23 AM

I just had a miscarriage 4 days ago (at 6 weeks, beta hcg too slow rising). i i never had a D & C because the ultrasound showed a clean uterus yesterday. im still bleeding and cramping though. Its strange because my cervix was closed friday, i passed a lot of clots on the weekend and on monday my doctor said it was closed again. has anyone heard of that before?

i cant get over how heartbreaking it is, it was my first pregnancy after TTC to concieve for 3 years and my first round of clomid. its like everytime a see a baby i cry, and its going to be hard because my freind fell pregnant at the same time as me and everytime i see her change im going to think i would have been that size, or my baby would be that age.

People try to help you, but its an issue that not a lot can be said. one person said, "oh... did you forget to pray?" of course we bloody did. but im trying not to get mad, its a hard situation. I had a girl freind who said "i know how you feel, i've had 5 MC in the last 8 months" i think there periods hun, and its very different when you knew you were pregnant before the loss. she came back and said "well, your body just wasn't ready". argh!

my dh has gone really quiet, he was so exited i know its hard on him and he doesn't want to talk about it. he said he wants to try very soon and my doctors has given me the go ahead allready. i rarely ever got a period so i wont be able to tell how normal i am. i was scared about miscarriage before i cant imagine how scared im going to be next time. how do you know when the time is right and how do you stop being paranoid?

i've done a lot of mourning and im feeling better but fragile, i find my mind drifting while driving and stuff. im so used to being caught up in the TTC journey, and then the PG Journey - its all come to a halt and now its like i dont know what to do with myself.

thanks for letting me vent and share my story. sorry its a bit long but i'd love to hear any advice/similar situations after a MC. oh and has anyone had killer back pain before/during/after a MC? i cant shake it.

Policewife · 10-07-2008, 11:24 AM

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your loss.. I understand exactly how you feel I just miscarried my first 2 weeks ago. It was a tramatic horrible miscarriage of hemmoraging for 2 weeks and just watching and waiting for the baby to die. The heartbeat was there one day and on the day of my wedding anniversary it wasn't.
Like you we have someone (a family member) who is pregnant exactly when I was (she even has the same exact due date) and she just posted pictures of her ultrasound and all I can think is OMG thats exactly what my baby should look like

.....

I don't think the fear will ever go away honestly. I have a huge fear of trying again because I still have that "bad feeling" I had when I was pregnant with this one. I just knew and I was never really excited when I was pregnant becasue they pregnancy didn't feel right to me. Unfortunatly I did have to have a D & C and now my doctor won't let me try till Jan which really sucks I'm ready now.

Thats great that you can start again and if you feel you are ready then certainly try but only when you're ready. Its not unusual for people to have miscarriages its something like 1 in 5 .. Just sucks we had to be that 1 right. Don't give up if you really want it, it will happen for you!

shufnagel78 · 10-07-2008, 12:54 PM

Oh, Sweetie! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know you are going through a really hard time right now. I lost my first pregnancy in May after trying for about 3 years also. It was a surprise BFP between doing injectable cycles. I found out and then lost it within a week of finding out. I actually got the bad new when I did my second beta and the levels dropped and my progesterone was only a 3! I had no clue it was happening and found out from the nurse when she called about the BW. I started bleeding and cramping the next morning.

My husband was the same as yours. He was there to hold me and came home from work to be with me, but he didn't want to talk about it. In fact, he tried to get me out of the house and keep me distracted. He only would talk about the next treatment cycle and getting pregnant again.

As you can see, I am currently pregnant again. My husband is so happy, but I worry that something is going to go wrong this time as well. I still miss the baby I lost and I still grieve for him or her most days. I can't talk about it without getting teary eyed (as I am right now), but I do think that there must have been a reason why God took that baby. I will keep you in my prayers. Be strong! Give yourself some time to heal.

Policewife · 10-07-2008, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shufnagel78

My husband was the same as yours. He was there to hold me and came home from work to be with me, but he didn't want to talk about it. In fact, he tried to get me out of the house and keep me distracted. He only would talk about the next treatment cycle and getting pregnant again. I dunno why now but when I hear of people being newly pregnant I don't even want to be nice about it. I have all this pent up anger in me now thats just not me. I just want to tlel them "well don't get too excited you might be dissapointed anyways" .. I mean wtf is wrong with me to even think that! I dunno maybe its a way of grieving

Mine was the same, didn't want talk about it, never said a word. Neither did I though. People would ask me how I was and I would smile and be cheerful and say "oh I'm fine I was expecting it anyways" I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me and I didn't cry cause I didnt' want to feel sorry for myself either. Honestly i just want to get pregnant again and forget it happen. Sounds bad I know.

shufnagel78 · 10-07-2008, 06:40 PM

Don't feel bad. Everyone grieves differently. I know your circumstances were much more traumatic than what I had to go through, but I would encourage you not to try to "forget" about it. It's ok to be devastated and it's ok to show it. I cried on my drive home from work every day for probably 2 weeks straight(but I always tried to seem cheerful when at home) and when I went into my gyno for annual the next month I started tearing up when I was telling the nurse practitioner about it when she asked me about it. I had to wait 2 complete cycles before we could try again and I think it not only gives your body time to recover, but also gives you some time to recover mentally.