 Feel like I'm losing it
Yeah this is another one of those vent posts. I've been up all night (which has been happening alot lately), so this might not be the most coherent post... I just feel absolutely stuck, and I can't take it anymore.
My family is in debt. I live with my grandfather, and my mother. I haven't been able to afford a therapist for months now. We can barely afford groceries these days and this house is literally falling apart. I'm grateful that we can still afford my medications. I've applied to work at a few places, but they never got back to me. I actually hate the concept of money, but realistically I know I'll end up being someone's corporate b**ch, and that just depresses me more. Weed is pretty much the only thing that helps me cope.
My mother has bad emotional problems. I don't know how to describe it. She has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, along with OCD and severe depression. I love her, but living with her is draining. I just wish I could have some semblance of normalcy.
I'm so insecure about my appearance these days too. I feel so ugly everyday. I think my excess hair is what's really getting to me. I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I've actually felt so ugly that I get physically ill.
I guess the only good thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. We haven't known each other very long, but we were initially friends. He's actually my only friend, so he knows about everything. PCOS symptoms, the money situation, my mom, and he knows I'm struggling with depression. But I don't even know if he truly likes me. I'm so insecure and my self-esteem is so low, and I'm having such a hard time getting things together. And he knows all about it. How could he possibly like me? I'm actually happy when I'm with him, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to scare him off (or he'll get sick of me), which just fills me with anxiety. I wish I could give him a happier relationship.
I just want to feel at peace. S**t. I just want to have a day where I don't feel like breaking down and crying at some point. I can't handle another year of this.
Last edited by kohina; 07-01-2008 at 02:05 PM.
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When I feel like that I just take a big and I mean huge breath and say to myself I am strong I can do this and I will be ok. Then I look for something that will make me smile even if I don't feel like smiling.
