Feel very alone?

Starysam · 08-17-2006, 03:59 PM

Hi my name is Sam and I am 29. I feel I need to tell my story and get everything off my chest(even if i do feel like I am going on). It feels like quite a rollercoaster year for me. Last October i went to the doctor as my ongoing problem of absent periods was becoming annoying and my husband and I were trying for a baby. To my horror my GP said this was probablly to do with my polycystic ovaries problem. I said what problem nobody had ever told me I had polycystic ovaries. It turned out 4 years ago when I had tests they had written to my doctor saying I had Polycystic ovaries but never told me. So my doctor wrote to my specialist to get this confirmed and they wrote back saying that it was an error and I didn't have it. Only to go for further tests in April of this year to find out no I actually do. So I did, I didn't to I do again. So that was fine I accepted it may take a while to fall pregnant or I may need help. Only to discover while having an Hcg x-ray on my ovaries I was pregnant and about 12 weeks. The reason I hadn't known was because I had been bleeding for the last 10 weeks. A few weeks later I went on holiday only to miscarry the baby and have a horrifick time in the hospital. Which still today pains me to talk about. I had doctors and nurses shout at me, show no sympathy and even say I shouldn't have come on holiday, been walking or swimming. Then to top it off the hospital was dirty and they tied my hands and legs to the birthing chair they put me in for a DC. I came home from the holiday and was very withdrawn and didn't want to talk to anyone and most people respected this which was great. It has been nearly 2 months since it all happened but only recently when my grandad died have I realised how much of a mess I am. My husband has been great but doesn't really know what to say or do and I just feel so tired, angry and upset. I feel desperate for another baby but scared at the same time. I know I need to go and see a counsellor but feel that is an effort. I spend a lot of time at the moment trying to keep busy by decorating and housework and then just tire myself out. I feel a bit of a moaner as many people have been through worse but sometimes I just feel I can't cope and it really helps to read there are other people who have been through the same thing or are feeling the same as me. I am grateful as I have two lovely children already(from a previous relationship)aged 7 and 5 both of which I had problems with and it sounds awful but I wanted my last baby so much the desire and loss over whelms me.
All my hugs and support to everyone out there who has lost a baby.xxx

bontan · 08-17-2006, 05:08 PM

Hi Sam. This is the first time I am posting. I am not sure this will work. You have every right to feel the way you do. I also had a had a miscarriage when I was away from home although my experience was a little better than yours. It has been a year and four months since my miscarriage and I still think about my baby every day and I also have two other children which I love dearly. I can tell you that it does get better with each day.

SheriKCMO · 08-18-2006, 04:02 AM

Sam,
I am terribly sorry for your loss! And you have been through a lot with your healthcare... very disappointing. I hope that you get the help you deserve for your future health and ttc journey if you plan one.

Don't put yourself down for feeling so lousy. So many of us here have been there!! Your baby and loss are unique, your reaction is unique, and your grief is unique. Some of us have benefitted from online support, local support groups, counselling, and medication for coping. Please don't feel that you are weak for considering your options.

Your loss is still very fresh, but as time passes you should think about seeing someone if the days don't look a little bit more normal. There is definitely a rollercoaster, but in general time is our friend.

Please take care of yourself, and ((HUGS!))

Starysam · 08-18-2006, 04:25 PM

Hi bontan and sherikcmo thanks for taking time to read my story and reply it really helps to know there is people out there who have been through what I have and understand. Family and friends have been great and although they never say as much I always feel as though I shouldn't keep going on and feeling down. I think it doesn't help that my grandad died a couple of weeks ago and I hadn't actually cried properly after I had the miscarriage I was too shaken by my hospital experince. So when I found out about my grandad it brought all my feelings out and I now feel as though I am getting worse when I thought I was coping and getting better. I had thought it would be better in the school holidays so I wouldn't have to face all the mums at school who either were talking about me and what had happened and didn't know what to say to my face or dealing with the mums who meant well but somehow managed to say the wrong things. But it has been hard with the kids here all the time and I feel I am constantly apologising for losing it(which is not like me). I know I need to get help and will. I must admit it was hard writing on here I read so many other stories and felt like I wanted to hug everyone. I am use to being the listener and helping my friends so as you can guess don't normally talk about my problems. But I have found it helps. Take care and all the best to you both.xxx

*SAHMommie* · 08-21-2006, 02:25 AM

I am sorry about your loss & horrible experience at the hospital. People who have not experienced a loss have no clue how their words & actions can make a bad situation worse.
I had my miscarriage in June-21days after finding out I was pg. miscarried naturally.
I also have been blessed with 2 children but still long for another.
I think of my loss daily & still cry & days feel completely lousy & outta wack.
Give yourself time. Just take each day one at a time.
Take care.

VivC · 08-22-2006, 04:34 PM

((Sam)). Cut yourself some slack. Sometimes, after a loss, just getting through each day is an achievement. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the insensitive way it was handled at the hospital.