feeling alone and inadequate

Jakes_Angel · 05-12-2008, 04:38 AM

Not sure where to put this post, I feel like my son should have been considered to have been alive but he died at 41 weeks no one understands my pain completely, which is fine. But i feel confused, I feel like my body is fighting against itself. On one hand I want so badly to stay in bed and cry and on the other hand I want to live my life and move on to the next baby(sounds cold but I dont mean it that way). I feel if I do grieve the way I need to it will burden everyone around me and that if I do grieve then the drs wont allow me to continue infertility treatments so that I can have another baby(the pain will never lessen until I am holding my own living child in my arms) but at the same time i realize that until I can get past the enormous amount of pain i feel moving on will hurt.

As for feeling inadequate, I am at the point where I want to tell my husband to move on so that he may have the children he needs, I feel as if I will never be able to provide him with children of his own. Part of me jsut wants to give up and tell him that I can never provide what he wants and that he needs to move on(keep in mind we dont believe in divorce so feelingthis way is very hard and odd)

I jsut dont know how to get past my feelings of inadequacies and cant imagine what the sex is going to be like when he does finally get back.

I am so cared of having doors slammed in my face, I am going to see a specialist soon(PCOS) and I am afraid he will tellme that I cant have babies or that he will not help me to have any more babies or that I have to wait a certain amont of time. I really feel that all this is goingto come crashing down on me and I am going to lose it completely.

Everyone keeps telling me I shouldnt worry about it that it should come easy now that I have had one child, but my body is going back to the way it used to be and I really really dont want to go through all the testing again before someone will allow us to have children.

I HATE MY BODY I HATE THAT I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

Fleegle4 · 05-12-2008, 08:06 AM

Jake's Angel --

I'm glad to see you back on the boards. I think about you often.

There is nothing wrong with you -- you are having a natural reaction to the horrible loss you suffered. Your thoughts and concerns are very normal. You also sound as if you might be suffering from depression (again, really understandable now). In all of your discussion above, I don't see you talking about how you are getting help with the experience you've had and helping you deal with the loss. Don't worry about being a "burden" to other people, and you may benefit from professional help. It's not a sign of weakness, and fertility doctors won't refuse to treat you because you're upset over the loss of your son.

It sounds like you have an opportunity here with your husband being gone to take care of yourself and come to terms with your experience before jumping back on the TTC bandwagon. Don't concentrate on fertility doctors until after he comes back and you grieve together. I am not saying that what comes ahead will be easy, and you're right, you do never know whether you will be successful. But it sounds at the moment as if you're trying to deal with all of this alone and you're overwhelmed. See what the fertility doctor has to say, but take it one day at a time and one step at a time.

Hang in there.

PCOSDC · 05-12-2008, 09:12 AM

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.

KellyLeigh · 05-12-2008, 10:22 AM

Jake's Angel --

I am extremely sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. There is nothing anyone can say when it comes to how you should feel, or what you should do.

Take as much time as you need to grieve the loss of your baby and just know that in time, things will turn around. I will pray for you, and one day you will get to hold the baby that you and your husband so desire.

You are an extremely strong woman, and I greatly admire your strength.

SheriKCMO · 05-12-2008, 11:54 AM

I'm so sorry about all of this pain and your shocking loss. A good friend of mine locally lost a 39 weeker, stillborn, and they have no answers and no pcos... it's horrible that these things just happen sometimes and we don't know why. ((((Hugs)))) The pain never goes away, but I do have to identify with your feeling of needing that next baby desperately. I was exactly the same way. Giving yourself as much time to grieve as you can, though, is the best advice I heard at the time. Pregnancy hormones and grief and fear of losing the next one were a terribly hard combination. Please take care of yourself during this time, don't worry about anyone else's thoughts on it, and let those feelings for your son flow and be processed. You have every right to grieve for your first born child. I wish I was there to give you a hug!!

alwayzrn · 05-12-2008, 12:03 PM

I am so sorry that you have gone through this...I think it is the most horrible and confusing thing that someone can go through. My son Tre' was born still January 12th, 2008 and I am not pg again. My feelings for the first trimester were really hard. I was not able to bond with this baby, but I think if I hadn't grieved for the loss of my lil man then I probably would be having a nervous breakdown with this pregnancy. Please don't feel like you will be a burden to anyone, you have went through one of the most horrific things anyone can go through.

Like PP said the doctors won't give up on you, but you have to do things at your pace. I also agree that you need to take some time for you. Even if that means that you stay in bed and cry, but then vow that the next day you will get up, shower, put on your make-up if you wear it and try to have a good day. This is not easy but you will make it through. Your stronger than you think!!

Adrianne

Jakes_Angel · 05-12-2008, 01:20 PM

Thank you all for your comments, professional help? well for the first 6 weeks we were seeing a counselor but when dh left I moved back home for the duration of the deployment so that I wouldnt be alone to think about this all the time and get in too deep a depression. So i havent been able to get a nother yet but I hae an appt jsut have to make sure it is ok with my insurance before I go. Also have the number to a support group and need to call but keep forgetting. I guess the part that is hardest for me is I just want someone to let me cry on their shoulder and not tell me I will have more babies, he was my dream come true!! He was what I have always prayed for , a baby boy. I have always wanted a baby boy andI was so excited. I was angry at dh because he wouldnt get excited. I blame myself for his death because at dinner that night I felt like something was wrong but I blew it off because I had had an NST and unltrasound that morning and everything was fine. There are somedays when I jsut want to rip out my heart because I feel like I am responsible...that if I had listened to my instincts he would be here and he would be ok. what a horrible way to learn this lesson!!!

Yesterday was a very hard day for me and I tink it all jsut came pouring out at the end of the day. If there was ever a time that i needed my husband it would be now. I love my family and they all have good intentions but sometimes they jsut dont help much. My step dad tends to make me feel uneasy if I dont get out of bed at a certain time or if I do jsut one little thing wrong. And my grandmonther jsut wants to talk about how my cousins dont deserve to have kids but have two of them that the state is now trying to deside whther they should be taken away or given back. My mom just kees saying I will have mroe babies. Yes I want more and I want them now, so badly that I even or a second thought about adopting my cousins kiddos. But I feel like everyone has gone on and forgotten about Trey, about how beautiful he was, and most of all about the pain that I feel on a daily basis. I put on a strong face every morning but I feel so weak in side. This has shaken me to the core of my being. I don'tknow what to think, who to trust, or what to believe. All I knwo is my body has now taken two of my childrens lives and I am feling extremely inadequate and very angry at my body. And I am not quite sure how to get through all of this. This is the first death I have had to deal with since I was 8 or 9...and that one I didnt get the permanance of it all(it was my grandfather)

Anyone have a time travel machine where I can go back and tell myself to get to the hospital? jk

Ok well I better get my day underway so that i dont sit here and cry all day long.

Thanks all for listening(reading)

wishingandhoping · 05-13-2008, 12:53 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know exactly what you are going through but I have had two early losses. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you.

One thing that has helped me greatly is a support group (mine has a website www.tinypurpose.com). I started going after my second loss and it has brought a lot of healing to me. And the biggest thing is that it is a place where my babies matter, where I can talk about them all I want and not be made to feel bad about it. While most of my friends and family don't understand and don't want to validate their short lives and that they were really children, just as much as any other child.

I hope you can find a safe place to share your precious Trey and know that his life does matter.

Hugs to you

Dani

hela · 05-13-2008, 03:18 PM

I'm so very sorry for your loss

nasheajones · 05-13-2008, 03:44 PM

I am sorry for your loss.. I hope you understand it is not your fault. Our bodies can be our own worst enemies can't they? You can tell just by reading your post that you loved Trey very much. I will pray for you..your family..and your little angel. Please do not give up the hope.. the world NEEDS more mothers like you ~Hugs~

pookietooth · 05-15-2008, 04:29 AM

You sound depressed. You can have PPD (postpartum depression) with a stillbirth, and combine PPD with grieving for a lost baby and wham! Have you seen a doctor recently or a therapist who could diagnose you? Do you have a preacher you could talk to? I am taking a ton of DHA and B vitamins along with prenatals to help prevent PPD. We're talking about 1000 mg of DHA, way more than most people take. It can really help.

Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. You are forever a mommy, a greiving mommy.

That brings up something that I have been thinking about: They have a word for a woman without a husband (widow) and a child without parents (orphan) but they really don't have a word for a woman (or man) who has lost a child. They should.

Anyway, please see someone who can help you with this. You are not alone. We are here for you, but please see someone in real life, too.

Jakes_Angel · 05-15-2008, 02:57 PM

I have a counselor, it jsut took forever to get everything in motion because i was waiting on my insurance company. I dotn doubt that I am depressed, although because I want to get pg again I refuse to take anything but prenatals and my iron pills that they prescribed to me after I had Trey.

rainyangl · 05-15-2008, 03:53 PM

Jakes_Angel - I am so sorry for your loss... my heart breaks for you. I understand you wanting to stay away from any meds but if you decide you need something or your dr. thinks you do, there are meds you can take that will not hurt TTC or a pregnancy. I take Effexor. I am on the lowest dose and I am pg. I have heard of a few others that are safe to take as well I just can't think of the name. If you need them, I want to encourage you to at least try something. It can really help. You need to take care of you. Plus, it can be for short term if you are planning to wait until the end of the year to TTC.

Just wanted to give you my POV.

AnotherDreamer · 05-15-2008, 04:08 PM

I am so sorry for your loss... have you held a memorial or anything for your baby?
I can relate, as can many of us, to the pain of having loved ones saying insensitive things. My mom's first reaction, "It'll be easier to get pregnant no though, since you have been before." "It could be worse." "You can always have another one." --- We don't want another one, we want the child we have lost.
I was 5 weeks, and I know that is different than being 41 weeks... but their comments hurt all of us. I know your pain may be different than mine, and I can't relate completely... but my heart goes out to you hun.
I hate my body, and it's stupidness. I hate what family says to me too...
You are not alone in your pain, and I wanted you to know that.

And maybe you need to calmly write a letter, or something, to explain that their comments and such are more harmful than helpful... that your loss is still poignant and that they need to respect that.

I sincerely hope things get easier with your family, and that you can see a counselor and get something figured out.
And even if you get anti-depressants you could always just take them a few months if you need to. Give your soul and body a break as it were, you need time to grieve and sort the situation out.

Do what you need to now for yourself.

Time doesn't heal everything, but with each day I hope things get a little easier...
Again, I am so sorry for your loss hun.
Nobody should lose a child. (*hugs*)

pookietooth · 05-16-2008, 01:23 AM

Jakes angel, taking a good high potency B complex and extra DHA (from fish oil or krill oil) can really help with depression, and it will not harm a baby -- in fact, taking these supplements can help get your body ready to ttc again. Both are good for babies, and your body. You can also add some Cod Liver Oil for extra support and some nutritional yeast (sprinkle it on foods like salads -- it tastes kind of like Parmesan cheese, only it's fat free and low carb).

I lost my baby at only 7 weeks, but I know what you mean about not trusting your body anymore. It sucks enough having PCOS, then to lose a baby you worked so hard to conceive is just crushing.