feeling awful

Ka Mai Kim · 09-26-2004, 03:28 AM

Right at this moment, I am feeling awful. I feel alone, and desperate, and at the end of my rope. There are reasons, and yet there aren't. I can't really go into everything, or else I'd end up writing a novel. Suffice to say, I am feeling like I have no one in the world who understands how I feel.

I don't know why I am even writing this. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I don't see the point in reaching out to complete strangers, but I have to say something to someone, or else I might just explode.

I can't even go to sleep, because I just lay there and cry.

Thank you for putting up with my pathetic ramblings. I am going to attempt to sleep now. I'll probably regret posting this in the morning.

hopeless · 09-26-2004, 05:10 PM

The whole point of reaching out is so that you don't explode! It doesn't matter if we don't know each other. Sometimes I find it's easier that way.... And even better, because you know that we've experienced depression in some form or another as well.

You mentioned that you didn't want to go into everything because you might end up writing a novel....that actually sounds like a good idea. I found that writing down my feelings was really helpful. I make a point to write every couple days, if not more often. Not just in bad times, but good times as well. During the bad times it helps me sort through my feelings, and keeping my head on straight. During the good times, it helps me understand what I've been doing right. Also, it's good to document the good stuff so that you can look back on it when you're down. I bought a nice journal, and some colored pens so that writing is even more enjoyable. (might sound silly....but it does make it more appealing!)

I hope you feel better. And don't forget that there's always someone here to listen, and help you out.

kimmiegirl32 · 09-26-2004, 06:39 PM

I understand how you feel. I wish I had something to tell you to make you feel better...but being in the same boat there's not much to say. I only hope that knowing someone else out there is going thru the same thing somehow helps.

I've even considered calling in sick to work tonight...and I NEVER do that. I think if I make myself get up..get dressed and go I might feel better. At least at work I can lose myself for a little while and not focus on my lonliness and self loathing.

Keep your chin up girlie...and even tho I don't know you I'll be thinking about you!!

Mrs. Mcboozlin · 09-26-2004, 06:49 PM

Hi Kim,
First of all were not all complete strangers..
Prob most of us , if not all of us, has or is going through the same thing as you..

I get panic attacks/ aniexty attacks a lot... Which is caused by pcos.. Not all doctors beleive that to be true..

Some days even on Meds.. I just want to take sleeping pills so i dont have to feel it.. But I dont.

I chug on... Thats my motto.. People say how are you? I say im still chugging. LOL

no one really understands either, unless they been there..
But one secret I have learned is dont ignore it... work with it.. cry if you have to cry.. or whatever.. Dont let it build up.. I had 2 semi neverous break downs.. because of a divorce and right after a divorce.. Doctor said caused by me ignoring the signs..

But since then, I have bad days, really bad days. But I still move on and live my life..
and a very happy life too.. Wonderful husaband and 2 dogs 3 cats LOL..

I hope i helped you in some way. anytime u want to chat..
im usually online, yahoo messanger ameg73.
NOthing will suprise me, been there and back.. LOL

So if you need someone to vent to.. IM me..

by the way.. may sound weird but crying and sex are the best ways to keep the stress For ME to stop building up..
My husband preferes the sex part! LOLOL

Hang in there girl. you know what.. i promise it will get better!

Ka Mai Kim · 09-26-2004, 07:45 PM

Thank you guys for responding...

I don't know if I am any better today, but I am hanging in there. Still feeling about two steps away from a nervous breakdown, but, trying not to think about what's bothering me and trying to keep busy seems to help. A little anyway.

I've never been diagnosed as being depressed, although for a while when I first started college I took Paxil for anxiety. That was about 3 years ago, almost. I don't know if I AM "depressed", clinically, anyway, or whatever you want to call it. I just get these awful days where I feel about as low as possible. They never last for more than a few days. I never completely shut down. No matter how bad I am feeling, I don't let it show, I make myself go to work, visit with friends, etc. I could be on the verge of tears but I will make myself smile to those I interact with on a daily basis.

I do write about the things that are bothering me in a journal. It's turning into my collection of negativity :-P I don't know if it helps. Sometimes I just feel like I need a real person to listen to me rant and rave. And then sometimes I think, no one wants to hear me whine. So I just suck it up and pretend like nothing's wrong.

When I was in high school, I tried to commit suicide. Big mistake on my part. No one ever found out what I did, though, even my parents. For a long time I couldn't really remember why I did that, what was wrong with my life at the time to make me do something so stupid. But now I think I am starting to remember. I am getting that "trapped" feeling that I had when I was a senior. I'd like to think that I'd never do something like that again. But I wish I could just...fall off the face of the planet. Just, poof, out of existence I go. I know that will never happen. But this suffocating, desperate feeling I have is driving me insane. I DO feel like I am going crazy. I just don't know what to do about it.

I've thought about finding a therapist or something, but I don't know if that would help. I mean, there are REASONS I have for feeling the way I do. But sometimes I do get sad for no reason. I don't know if I am "sick enough" to warrant seeking professional help, if that makes sense. I don't cut myself, I can hide how I am feeling. I am "happy" more often than not. I am just so confused, and tired.

I'm sorry this turned into a big, depressing rant. I appreciate being able to get this out. At least it's better than nothing.

hopeless · 09-26-2004, 09:31 PM

"Just, poof, out of existence I go."

I know this feeling as well. I never considered suicide however, because the idea of hurting my family and friends was too hard for me. But I have wanted to just "poof". (that's even what I call it....)

I don't think there's a guideline for how sick you need to be to seek help. If you feel the need to talk, that's enough. Even if you can just call a crisis line, and talk to them. You may not see your situation as a crisis, but think of it as a preventative measure.

The school I go to actually has a "speakeasy" were you can go and talk to the volunteers about anything. It's free, and on-campus. There's also a phone in line...so, that might be an option as well.

Lanaface · 09-26-2004, 09:46 PM

And isn't it weird how it's always worse at night? That "trapped" feeling. You KNOW it'll be better in the morning, but it feels like morning will NEVER get here.

kimmiegirl32 · 09-26-2004, 10:08 PM

night time is definitely the WORST...I hadn't experienced it in awhile but I took last night off and my plans fell thru so at home I sat all alone and the demons came out to play. I work at night so it helps with the 2am lonlies.

tanyasparks154 · 09-27-2004, 01:26 AM

Hey girl,

Sorry you are feeling this way. I know that depressed and trapped feeling. I know it all to well. I know how it feels to just want to give up. I have attempted suicide twice and neither time was pleasant. Don't ignore the signs of depression. Don't ignore the signs of panic and feeling trapped because I know from experience that that feeling can cause you to think irrationally and not think more that a few minutes into the future. There is no sick enough, if you feel like you need to see someone, then do it. That is what they are there for. I have been in therapy on and off since I was 19. Only you know how you are feeling. You are the one to judge rather or not you need to see a counciler, and if you need to, then go for it. What have you got to loose!! Hope things are better for you soon.

(((GREAT BIG HUGS)))))
T