Feeling Empty

hela · 08-22-2007, 07:11 AM

Hi girls,

Today is just under 2 weeks since we lost our little girls and I'm feeling so empty and lost at the moment. I find I don't know what to do with myself in the day and catch myself just standing in the middle of the room looking around. My DH is being great, very supportive and loving, giving me cuddles when I need them and mopping up my tears when I cry.

In a couple of hours we go to the crematorium for their funeral, I'm dreading it, but also trying hard to look forward and send my girls on together with dignity and our love. They are being cremated together as they grew together in me and will always have each other.

I don't think I'm asking you girls anything, I just needed to write this down somewhere.

hugs

Hela xx

blondiefrommd · 08-22-2007, 12:08 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

Aishah · 08-22-2007, 12:37 PM

Awww, hun I can't even begin to imagine your greif. I am so, so sorry.

lovepotato · 08-22-2007, 12:39 PM

I'm so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts.

siany22 · 08-22-2007, 01:46 PM

hela, im so sorry for your loss you and DH will be in my prayers

sweetums · 08-22-2007, 02:42 PM

Oh Honey, I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I often found myself just feeling empty and lost, especially so soon after we lost our sons. We also had our boys cremated together so they would always have each other and they'd never be alone. I'm just sobbing sitting here. I wish I could just give you a huge hug. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girls. I'm saying prayers for you today and always hon. I'm here if you want to talk. I can pm you my email address and phone number too if you'd like to talk.

Manders

beachcyster · 08-22-2007, 03:04 PM

My son was born at the same gestation on July 19th. For weeks after, my DH and I didn't know what to do with ourselves either. Before my son's death, everything was focused on getting ready for our first child, and suddenly that stops. We could hardly even feed ourselves. Making decisions at the grocery store... forget it! We found having friends around and keeping busy helped. We even went on a mini-holiday for a few days, and for us that helped too. Just to get away.
For me, the month has make it a little less fresh, but you're gonna miss them forever. Just remember that life still can be beautiful and take it one day at a time. It will get better, but take your time. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure your girls were amazing.

hela · 08-22-2007, 05:05 PM

thank you so much ladies, i think today was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

much love to you all

hela xxxx

hela · 08-23-2007, 06:47 AM

Morning,

I just want to add today that I've woken up in a much more positive frame of mind, I think getting yesterday done has helped close the book a little on what has happened. I know I'll have bad days ahead, but today is OK.

beachcyster, sweetums, I'm so sorry for the loss of your little ones and thank you for your support

siany, lovepotato, aisha, blondie, thank you for your wishes and prayers

this site continues to amaze me with the loving supportive ladies here who have been through the same things and shared the same hopes and wishes.
truely soulcysters

much love

Hela xx

kwannabee · 08-23-2007, 10:58 AM

Hela

I am so sorry. My Aimee and Dana were born at the same time, the same way, and i remember a week after i got out of the hospital having to go to their memorial too.

My girls would be three years old now...i think of them every single day without question, i hear their little voices and picture their curly pigtails cuz i know thats what they'd look like ...my mom had a dream about them that Jesus was babysitting them - and they were tying his sandal laces together and pulling at his robes as they darted in and out between his legs - he was a little flustered -

but we cried and laughed at the same time as she told me this. i just thought i'd share a poem that my mom and sister read at aimee and dana's memorial - they tweaked it a bit and changed a few words from the original...but it gave me lots of comfort. Its called a

Letter from Heaven...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...

but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.

Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.

I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.

And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.

God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years

because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.

Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.

I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;

but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...

that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,

then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,

knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,

just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;

I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,

remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

~Author~

Ruth Ann Mahaffey

©Copyright 1998

Written in memory of my late husband, Richard Mahaffey

I wish all of you have recently just lost your babies and all my cysters peace and comfort - the pain never goes away - it does get less raw - my thoughts are with you all

SheriKCMO · 08-23-2007, 01:09 PM

Hela, my heart is breaking for you. In these early days, just try to get through one day at a time and don't worry about anyone or anything else. Believe me, you will be the ones, you and Daddy, carrying those little torches, and they are heavy. My Mary Catherine would be three and a half now, and it is easier to cope now. It took a while though! (((Hugs)))

lovepotato · 08-23-2007, 02:35 PM

I lost Eric at 28 weeks almost 2 years ago. Honestly, I don't know the time's gone. I think about him every day without fail. I barely remember the early days. The only thing I know is that if I didn't have other people to lean on, I would have gone crazy. I miss him so much.
I'm glad the funeral helped a little. (hugs) I remember Eric's and how it had helped me.
All these other angel mommies are far better at giving advice. I just wanted to say my heart is breaking for you too.

hela · 09-08-2007, 08:16 AM

I can't believe how much AF arriving is hurting
It's like every ache and pain is a driving reminder that I'm not pregnant any more and my beautiful babies are gone.
I should be nearly 27 weeks pregnant now, I should have a big fat belly full of my twin babies, I should still be waiting to see what they look like, who they take after, and dreaming of their future.
Instead I have nothing but a few pictures and a broken heart

I miss them so much, and I miss being pregnant so much. Miss feeling like the most clever person on the planet because "look what I can do"

I feel my body has let them down, let me down, and let my lovely man down.
He keep saying lately how if I'd not met him I'd not be going through this heart ache. I've tried telling him how we'd not have had this joy of making new lives as well as the pain of losing them, because making them and carrying them for the time I did has been wondeful. I just wish the outcome had been wonderful to.

I love you Rose and Molly

Guanita · 09-08-2007, 09:13 AM

you are in my thoughts.. big hug... and i wish you strenght to cope with this.. giving it a place in your life and heart....

sweetums · 09-08-2007, 01:40 PM

Oh Helen, I know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. My husband and I are going through the exact same thing. I should have been due with my twins Sept. 30 and could easily have had them by now. My heart aches every day for my babies and that they aren't here with us, in my belly or in my arms.

I don't know that I have any advice, just cry when you need to, scream when you need to, talk about Molly and Rose whenever you need to and talk to them too. I talk to my sons all the time and it helps me to feel close to them. Lean on the people who love you and who you love, their support is priceless right now.

I wish there was a way for this pain to magically go away, but sadly there isn't. Take each day a step at a time, some days will be less painful than others. Remember the wonderful times and hold them close to your heart. Those are some things that help me through it.

I am praying for you and your DH.

Manders