I'm so confused lately. Obviously, my marriage is on the rocks. I've tried not to worry about DH - what happens will happen. If he tries, we'll make it. If he doesn't we won't. Whatever happens in between, I can handle. My therapist and I worked out an emergency plan, so I know what to do if things get really bad.
As far as my little guy goes, I'm having so much trouble getting through each day. Sometimes when I think about Rivi, I remember every little detail of every moment, the background noises, the ventilator swoosh, the heart monitor. But other times, I forget, and I panic. This morning, I could barely remember the sound of his first cry. If I don't remember him, and our bond, who will? How could I forget anything? What is wrong with me?
And a huge part of me feels guilty because I want Rivi to be proud of me, and I'm so screwed up. My marriage may be over, my finances are a mess (bankruptcy looming), I'm not at all challenged at work - I spent YEARS going to school part time to get a degree, and it's being wasted. And I don't think I'm as strong as some of you - if I had to watch another baby die, I would not survive myself. What if Rivi was it? What if he's all the happiness I ever have? What if he's disappointed in me? And what if I do forget any second of his life?
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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hi sweetheart
my heart skipped a beat as i read your post, but i'm glad you let it out because it helps. it's not fair for you to go through this, but i am sure it's temporary and you will be blessed again...........
i'm thinking of what to say to you without sounding insensitive or hurting you more, but although your problems seem very big right now, there are solutions, there is so much healing that needs to take place, individual and together with hubby. everything is stressing the both of you right now, sometimes things in our life (finances, jobs, everyday errands) will interupt our time to grieve and eventually fully heal. Rivi will always be with you, when you think of him now it could be very painful but i'm sure he remembers when mommy used to talk to him when he was growing in your belly. he FELT your love and no one will ever take that away from both of you. his spirit will always live, and someday you will be reunited, he wants mommy to be happy, to look forward to other possibillities and hope for the future. trust God with everything and i do believe that miracles will happen for you again............
__________________ Me 29 Dh 33
no longer ttc
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2nd cycle of femara (BFP!!!! but lost baby at 6 weeks) July 04
Starting process for WLS!!!!!
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Have you tried writing down every little detail that you remember about Rivi and the time you spent with him? Maybe writing down a journal will help. It will give you something to refer to when you start to forget (which unfortunately can happen, no matter how much we dont want it to). In fact, maybe if it's all down on paper for you to read any time, it will give your mind a break from having to try to remember it all the time.
You talk about your therapist - does your DH go with you? Maybe that would help. He lost a son too, and maybe it would do him some good.
What kind of degree did you earn? Have you tried to find a job in your field? I know job hunting is probably the last thing you feel like doing, but maybe if you set your mind toward finding a job in your field, it will give you a challenge, occupy your mind, and give you something to look forward to. And when you land a better job, that will help with the finances too.
I know it may feel like you won't make it through this, but you WILL. Believe me, if I can do it, ANYONE can. I dont know how I come across in my posts (and I try not to think about that too much because I really dont care how I come across as long as I say what I feel at that moment), but I'm a complete wreck right now and I literally didnt think I would make it through the last 6 months - but here I am.
Regarding next pregnancy - think positive! There as so very many success stories following losses -we have to draw strength from those stories.
You know I'm in the same boat as you. I would have kicked out my hubby long ago, but I'm too scared to be alone, and I want my baby (if I have a baby to take home this time) to have a daddy.
Life just sucks. Really bad.
All we can do is keep on going, and hope we have a few good days, or moments, that make it all worth living.
I think it'd a good idea to write down everything you remember about Rivi. I did that. It helps to know I can never forget.
I'm sorry you're also having such a hard time. I think men suck. We need to kick our hubby's asses
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
I'm really sorry you are going through all this. I really feel for you, I've been going through something similar in the last year. Soak up comfort and support where you can ... because it may not be where you expect or want it to come from - like your other half (my ex wasn't there for me at all & dumped me the eve of our daughter's funeral). It's good to hear you have a good therapist, I'm sure mine saved my sanity. I found that I could not take on all the worries from so many different directions. So I only dealt with what I absolutely had to. So... if I went into denial about some stuff I did. I know my friends were crazy about the excuses I made for my ex, but I could not deal ... so I didn't for a while.
Be as kind to yourself as you can. And I agree with Becky, writing it all down is a good idea.
I don't think that there is anything that I could possibly say to make you feel better. Brian and I were having a really hard time when I got pg the first time last year. Then I lost Alex. I was so angry at everyone. I blamed myself. But mostly I blamed Brian for causing me so much stress. I figured that must of had something to do with me losing Alex. Fortunatly we were able to work through things. We even suffered another miscarriage only 2 months later.
I am sorry for all that you are going through. I have been following your posts since you lost Rivi. I know that it's easy for me to say, but I don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about. You love Rivi, there is no way that he didn't feel that love. What made things easier for me was a journal. I didn't start one until later, but I went under the search on SC and copied every entry that I had made that pertained to the pregnancies. From the first day of TTC until the day that I was copying them. I added all of those entries into my journal. That way I can never forget a moment of making the babies, and losing them.
I am sending out big hugs to you. I really hope that things get better for you. And I will pass on a saying that another cyster said to me. Worrying will not affect the outcome. And it;s not healthy for you either.
I am sure life will get easier for you one day. You will hold a miracle in your arms one day.
I just lurk once in a while here, I'm usually at the TTC board - I've never even been pregnant, so I have no idea how painful this must be for you...I'm just so sorry.....
I've heard stories of women who've suffered losses making things to hold on to - beautiful memory books with absolutely every detail they can think of in them, quilts with the child's name - just something physical, tangible to look at and hold on to. I hope maybe something like that could bring even a tiny bit of healing for you. I know nothing can ever make it better, though...
Even if you don't think you are strong, I think all of you ladies are tremendously courageous. I just am speechless everytime I read such stories. I've heard it said time and again that there is nothing in the world more painful than losing a child... I pray God is near to each of you and comforts you.
I did write a journal after Rivi was born. I started out with a long letter to him, then every day I added another "Dear Rivi" letter, letting him know how I was doing, what was happening, etc. I also have a memory book half done. The problem is that I hit a huge depression in November, and I just stayed in bed for weeks. I haven't written anything since. When I go back and reread the journal, it all seems so bleak and depressing. The memory book needs to be finished, but I just can't do it yet (all of the pics are in there, along with little notes; I need to add my poems, etc.).
I feel guilty for slacking off on the journal, too. It's not that I haven't been thinking of Rivi, I just couldn't dwell on him for awhile. But it seems like I should've kept writing, anyway, like I was supposed to do that for him and didn't. Maybe I should just add an entry explaining it all, then start up again.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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viv, I'm so sorry to hear that you're not getting the support you should be getting from your DH. I can't even imagine what that must be like, and my heart breaks for you.
I think that starting up the journal again would be a good idea. I've been writing a blog ever since December and it has been very theraputic for me. And it has helped me to work out a lot of my issues.
*hugs*
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
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Viv,
Please don't feel guilty for not remembering with utmost clarity all of those details. It's part of the healing process to move beyond those details and find an inner calm. I replayed that horrible movie in my mind for several months, over and over, with every detail, until finally I was able to just remember my baby and my love for her and not have to recall those horrible things. Your love for Rivi will never die, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.
About your memory book, some of the moms in our support group are four or five years past their losses and just now finishing up their memory boxes and scrapbooks. There's no rush. It should happen when there isn't so much pain in doing it. Rivi would be proud of you right now for merely surviving. If you think we're all stronger than you, you are wrong. I would not survive another perinatal loss, period. You are not alone, my friend.
Many hugs,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I think Sheri said it very well. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I, too feel guilty at times for not keeping up with my memorial to my Matthew. But I know he is in my heart, and that he watches over me...because quite frankly, it is a miracle that I am able to function at all. It has to be my son looking out for me...helping me heal.
Oh Viv, i have a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. When i think of my Matthew, I try to think of the happy moments...like when i first found out I was pregnant, or the ultrasounds or hearing his heartbeat, or the first time I felt him kick. I try to think about the positives of my pregnancy and how blessed i was to have at least that. It is so hard at times, but i try really hard to hold on to those kinds of precious moments.
please take care of yourself, and hopefully things will get a little better soon.
__________________
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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Hey Viv...you know we've never met but i have to say there have been times when i think about you...i too follow your posts and since little Rivi no matter how low things get you always pick yourself up and keep shlepping along...you are truly more courageous and strong then you give yourself credit for...
i was very lucky to have a wonderful nurse with me when i had my girls and she said something that really helped me...not to mention a few words of wisdom from you guys i might add...but i think we all have feelings of guilt and complete hopelessness...carrying on without our babies...but what she said to me at a really low point in my healing was 'they didnt come to this Earth to leave you behind like this...it wasnt their purpose..."
I know i'll never be completely whole again without them...i dont want to be..but i just found that to be a lightbult statement for me and i hope that you can think of Rivi in the same way...
do you remember a sad time in your life when you talked about little ducks??? I remember...you had me in tears...and all i thought about for days after was...little boys LOVE ducks!!! It was a sign from him...he's with you and no matter what happens you can be sure he's okay. And its okay for you take care of you too...no guilt required. YOu just never know whats waiting for you around the corner...good things will come again. Hugs to you cyster...you're going to be okay.
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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You guys are so wonderful. I always find the boost I need here!
Diana - I love thinking about the ultrasounds and Rivi's heartbeat. It just makes me miss him so much more. His heartbeat was so strong through everything, and I was so proud of how tough he was.
Kim - I never thought about the ducks that way! And all the darned things were supposed to have flown away by then, too! It must have been Rivi, and just thinking about that has me smiling again.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Feeling guilty 
HUGS HUGS HUGS!!! 
