Feeling like I have no future

thincyster85 · 02-06-2007, 05:43 PM

I met my wonderful boyfriend (of almost 3 years) my first year of college. He's a dream come true to me...everything I always wanted in a guy. We fell madly in love. I was working part-time and pursing nursing school -looking into a future of having a great career and a family. Perfect for him and I. Fast forward...

We have been living together for more than a year. I had to drop out of college because of my debilitating depression. I figured I'd go back after plenty of therapy and antidepressants. Time goes on and my final diagnosis is dysthymia depressive disorder with recurrent major depressive episodes. I try to go back to school, taking only a few classes at a time. I do well but 2 classes a semester equals a LONG time to graduate..and no nursing programs let you take only a few at a time around here. If you are in it- you are full time. Then I experienced a severe episode after the suicide of a family friend.
In order to support myself and buy medication that doesn't seem to help to do much but hurt my sex life... I get my CNA and work full-time.

My depressive disorder kicks my ass...having the energy to go to work is a struggle, and I realize that in this fog I feel bearly unable to keep my job. My dreams of becoming a Nurse or ever having a career seem to slowly crumble. Even the stress of being just a CNA seems too much.

Fast forward...I am diagnosed with PCOS. Just great. My acne by now is very severe, and hair is growing on my tummy line and around my nipples. I am afraid I can never have children.

My boyfriend and I have been planning marriage. He's hinting at an engagement coming soon. If my life was lined up perfectly I'd be estastic. But I'm scared. Scared that I can no longer offer him the life together we had planned. I feel like a failure and like he deserves SO much better.

I MEAN- who wants a girl with all these problems? Who wants an acne and hair covered, sad girl crying and moody everyday? I imagined as his wife taking care of him...but throughout the relationship he has been taking care of me.

I'm getting to the point where I might not be able to ever have a career, I can hardly work a job a few days a week. I might never be able to give him children. I may always be depressed, and struggling. I feel like I would be cheating him. His love for me is unconditional and now I feel unworthy- what good am I now to be with? He says I make him happy and thats all that matters. But I'm not sure he can see clearly the road I'm headed down.

I am suicidal.. because I no longer see a future for myself.....and I don't want to ruin his life because of MY medical problems. I love him SO much and want the best for him yet I don't know how I could live without him- he's my lifesaver.

I never ever imagined my life turning out this way. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. I have the best thing ever and I'm afraid I can't live up to his expectations now- or anyone else's. Therapy doesn't help and this medicine journey has been a nightmare. (Crying) ........Please tell me there is hope. PLEASE

SnowFlower · 02-06-2007, 05:59 PM

Sweetie Big Hugs. You are good enough. You obviously are a very special person to your boyfriend and he wants to be there through good and bad and thick and thin. He sounds like he is amazing and loves you for you and doesnt care about what you look like or that you may be a little different than someone who doesnt have PCOS or doesnt go through depression but it sounds like he wants to be there and help you through it. You sound like you have already met his expectations and when you are in love you work with what comes up. Meds have helped my attacks but its still a daily battle. I am always tired and feel usless a lot of the day as I cant get my fat ass of the computer chair. I used to put loads of makeup on in the morning before my husband even saw me but finally just stopped. I was embarrassed of myself and failure at being a wife and a mom. I still am but its a daily thing I deal with and am trying to work on it. PCOS is not something we ask for neither is what comes with it or depression or anxiety or any of that. It makes things so hard that sometimes you cant see a future and you need something to look fwd to. Try other medicine or maybe a natural remedy? I tried every natural thing before going the medicine route. You are worth it and never doubt that! Oh and as far as career I always said once my son was old enough to go to school I would work outside the house. I do Ebay as a side job but do to my attacks and being so tired I just cant work. Its sad but true. You are doing better than me in the career field for sure! Hang in there!

sinnie · 02-06-2007, 06:45 PM

Hugs to you girl. You sound like you do have a very promising future ahead of you, good work so far at the schooling! A good man that loves you and accepts you is wonderful. I felt the same way as you, I have been clinically depressed all my life, had a ovarian cancer scare and diagnoses of PCOS 2 weeks before I got married when I was 20. Then my dad died 2 months later from lung cancer. He was my WORLD and I cry for him every day, my life hasn't been the same.

Know that just because you have PCOS doesn't mean you'll never have children. I thought this too and it nearly killed me. I know I WILL have children, there are a lot of fertility options out there. Not to mention adoption. I would love to adopt a few children even if I have my own, and love them as my own.

Look at the things that you have in your life that are good. Your boyfriend obviously wants you even with your faults. It's not our fault that we have these symptoms that seem unattractive to others, but our men stick by us and love us. I feel like a fat hairy hog but my husband treats me like a sexy queen. I am truely blessed in that respect.

I also have no career. I work part time and it's enough for me now. I am working on making my life better. You may want to consider taking time off of your schooling again and taking more therapy, and I would even suggest pre-marital therapy if your boyfriend does propose.

I and my husband was forced into therapy before we got married and didn't think we needed it, but looking back it helped and we got a lot of feelings out and expressed to eachother and were guided by a pastor while we talked.

I've told a few others that exersizing, even as little as 30 minutes a day has brightened my mood and made me feel a lot better.

Good luck with all that you do and don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.

Fuzzy Bear · 02-06-2007, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thincyster85

Then I experienced a severe episode after the suicide of a family friend.

How could you even think about suicide with this in your mind? Could you really do that to him and your family and friends? Don't you remember how it felt? To hear of the death. To hear it was suicide? To wonder why? To ask yourself what you could have done to help them so they didn't feel so all alone? (I'm not trying to be mean, just make you look inside)
Your B/F LOVES you! Don't doubt it, and don't doubt that if you 'left' him, he'd feel it the rest of his life. Maybe he'd decide he shouldn't have a relationship again because of your 'exit'.
The thing is you might be able to have kids! I had 3 and didn't know I wasn't supposed to until i was preg. with the first one. There are soooo many cysters here with your feelings of inadequacy and failure, you will be able to find out so much to help yourself.
Count yourself doubly blessed. You aren't alone. Some of our cysters are and they still have a life of looking for the right guy, and they still pray they will be able to have children some day.
The best thing you can do is work at making your PCOS symptoms improve so you CAN have a child. Let your b/f know you are scared and let him reassure you, because when he's reassuring you, it will help him to feel better about the situation. Men tend to feel helpless when we cry and don't know what to do to make us stop. They hate not having control of what upsets people close to them.
Go BACK to the doctor and tell him your meds are not working. You need to switch your meds to find something that works!
You don't say what kind of anti-depression meds. you are on. I take 2 ~ Effexor and Wellbutrin. I had to try a couple before I could actually relax and it wasn't until I started the Wellbutrin that I was able to deal with things that used to make me cry. But I needed the combination to really have some relief from my depression, ( I have MDD; major depressive disorder) and I too, cannot handle the day to day of going to work. I still have times when I am down, but they aren't any where nearly as bad as they were at the beginning!
Do Yourself a favour, sweety, and make a list of all your blessings ~ forget about the problems. The blessings in life make it worthwhile, not the problems.
I hope you get a change in meds, because it really doesn't sound like these are working. (My DH took zoloft for depression at one point, and it made things worse till he got to a suicidal point and I called the doc. when he was on his way to an appt. to make sure he knew. He had a change in meds and it helped immensely.
You've come to the right place to feel better for sure. Everyone here cares about anything you have to say. And you don't get anyone being mean about anything either.

We'll help your b/f get you through this, you just have to keep us in your mind and know that we support you and we Know how you feel! Truly we do!

Please keep us informed about how you are! And if you want, you can get your b/f go to the men's forum on the site, and he can read about how other men with g/f or wives are able to cope with everything we have to go through. They can give him support while we give you ours.

Fuzzy Bear

BrightCeleste · 02-07-2007, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thincyster85

I MEAN- who wants a girl with all these problems? Who wants an acne and hair covered, sad girl crying and moody everyday? I imagined as his wife taking care of him...but throughout the relationship he has been taking care of me.

Your boyfriend does. Your boyfriend loves you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be planning to ask you to marry him. Believe in yourself; believe in him. See his actions, hear his words, and believe in them when you cannot believe in yourself. He sounds like a great guy.

Quote:

I'm getting to the point where I might not be able to ever have a career, I can hardly work a job a few days a week. I might never be able to give him children. I may always be depressed, and struggling. I feel like I would be cheating him. His love for me is unconditional and now I feel unworthy- what good am I now to be with? He says I make him happy and thats all that matters. But I'm not sure he can see clearly the road I'm headed down.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Please.

You don't have to define yourself by what is wrong with your life... define yourself by what is right. You are obviously a caring, compassionate person with a boyfriend who is crazy about you. I don't know you, but I bet you're intelligent (or you couldn't do the job you're doing), kind (ditto) and have a lot of skills, talents, and beautiful qualities that make the world around you a better place. I bet your boyfriend sees exactly what is going on, and just has a different perspective on it - he's focusing on these things, rather than on the not-so-cheerful elements.

You never know what might happen tomorrow - they might find the anti-depressant medication that will really help, you might start feeling well enough to go back to nursing school; and it's certainly possible that you might well have kids someday (Look at all the women here who are mothers!!) The future is scary, yes, but it has as many possibilities for happiness as it does for fear and disappointment. Focus on that which is bright and beautiful and brings you hope.

Quote:

........Please tell me there is hope. PLEASE

There is hope. There is always hope. There is beauty and love and goodness in the world. You are worthy, you are special, and you fully deserve the happiness that will be yours one day.

thincyster85 · 02-07-2007, 01:59 PM

Thank you all for the kind words. It helps to hear them...it's helps alot.

I just switched my antidepressants a few days ago to Wellbutrin & Serzone, and the hardest thing is the waiting. Knowing that it could take 6 weeks to feel better seems like eternity -I'm still cryin everyday, morning and night... And I've been through SO many meds..it's hard to believe I'll find anything that works.

andisings · 02-07-2007, 02:52 PM

Oh, sweetheart, this is too familar. I could have written your post. When my now-DH proposed, I seriously thought he was nuts. I mean, I'm fat, depressed, occasionally mean spirited, and maybe can't even have babies. Why on earth, right? Well, I've learned to lean on him, and then he can lean on me. Let your BF be your strength for awhile -- eventually he may need a shoulder, too, and you will be able to do it, trust me. I never thought I could actually take care of someone else, when I can barely take care of myself. You will be amazed at how it happens, I promise. I tell myself that DH has already seen me at my worst -- and loves me anyway. Trust in that -- he's picked you up, dusted you off, and loved you for it. Imagine how he would feel if something happened to you! Obviously you've filled that niche in his life, and he can do the same for you. He does sound a lot like my DH -- giving and caring. Which is probably exactly what you need. I kept telling B. that he needed to find someone pretty, sane, and fertile. He would hug me and say he'd found what he wants. I have a feeing you would get the same response. Please trust him to know what he wants -- YOU. You don't have to understand it, just enjoy the ride!!
I will say, being recently married did underscore my depression -- I mean, I'm supposed to be happy, right?!? It made me adjust my meds, my diet, and my outlook. It takes time. But now you can know that you'll have a partner in all that. He obviously loves you -- let him.

If you need anything, feel free to PM. {{{BIG HUGS}}}

Pandora1151 · 02-07-2007, 04:51 PM

Thincyster85,

Honey, if you are truly feeling suicidal, go to the emergency room or call an ambulance to come and take you. Your man would be so devastated if you took your own life and I'm sure there are many others who would be too. Suicide is permanent. Your problems may seem permanent, but they aren't. There is always hope. Believe me, I know. I've been in that dark place where you are and have pulled myself out of it with the support of people who love me. I have recently posted some things about what I have overcome in this forum. If you are interested, just look for my name. It's not easy. It takes a lot of work that you probably don't feel like you have the energy or drive to accomplish. But one thing I've learned is that our strongest moments in life feel like our weakest moments when they are happening. When you hit rock bottom and feel like giving up, you are at your strongest point when you choose NOT to give up. Everything from that point forward in your life becomes easier than that moment was. Here's a quote from Calvin Coolidge that I really love:

"Press on. Nothing can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; the world is full of unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."

That is the truth! There is always hope with persistence and determination.