I really don't mean to keep complaining, or dragging this on... I am really not a weak person, nor a cry baby and I really hate that I can't let this all go and quietly work this out myself.... but I can't hide the fact that I am feeling really overwhelmed!!!
I go through times I feel fine, strong and I see the "light at the end" so to speak.... but there are other times I just feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out. I am having terrible moodswings, one minute I am fine, can be smiling or laughing.... then out of nowhere, I am sobbing hysterically and feel unable to breath. I go from stages of not wanting to eat anything at all, because it makes me feel sick to see/smell it, and then the next thing I know I am starving and can't eat enough! I still FEEL pregnant, still have the nausea, breast pain etc.... which doesn't help any of these crazy emotions I am feeling....
I am now taking vicodin for the phyiscal pain I was in, and thankfully they are working for that... I just wish it could numb away the mental and emotional pain as well. The cotton-brain effect doesn't help my overwhelmed feelings, because I can't think straight while on them... everything is so fuzzy, unclear... I feel out if control, like this will never go away, the bleeding won't ever stop, the pain will never go away and I'll be on these drugs forever... I feel like I'll never get pregnant again, though I know deep down I will.... and I fear I'll never be able to carry future baby to term.... everything seems to chaotic, nothing makes sense... everything is really overwhelming.... am I the only one the feels this way... is this normal????
I am sorry to keep whining, I just need help... and I don't really know where to turn.
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On a TTC break...
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It sounds totally normal with all of the hormone changes especially! If you think there might be more to it, like "it's just not like me" then you can ask your doc for a little help for a while. Or even seeing a therapist can get some things off your chest. It really sounds like stuff I've felt and thought and been through, so part of the process. (((Hugs))) You are always welcome to come here and vent.
I'm really very sorry, and I wish I had something to tell you to take the pain away. Most people don't know about my current situation, so when my friends and colleagues ask me how I'm doing and how's it going, I say that I'm tired and I need a break. They just don't understand what I need a break from, and that I can't actually take a break from it. I totally get the up and down/on and off sensation. Last weekend I was numb and had put the whole thing out of my head and didn't even think it was real, and I'm back to having little breakdowns a couple of times a day. I have never been a cryer, and I'm not liking being one now. Your hormones are still out of whack and you're dealing with a real loss on top of that -- give it time, and if you still feel in despair, perhaps talking to a counselor might do some good. I don't believe in them myself, but many people have found them very helpful.
I don't know if saying I understand can give you any help, but if it does, I understand.
Hopeful, you just lost a baby. Its alright to be upset. No one here will judge you for being upset. Not only did a little person die, but your whole future is changed too. And it just happened. Give yourself time to heal.
If you notice that you have bad feelings you can't shake, try talking to a counselor. I saw one after losing Eric, and he's awesome.
I so understand where you are coming from! I still have moments of being fine and other times I just try. It seems as if I was better emotionally when I frist m/c then I am today. Last night I cried myself to sleep. Please feel free to PM at anytime! I really understand how you feel!
I just hate how weak and helpless this all makes me feel. I am one that likes to have plans, control, something in motion.... and this sitting here and waiting for everything to go back to normal... is really rather irritating. Not knowing what to expect, when it will happen, what is coming next... how long the next round of TTC will take, IF it will even work.... ETC... its all just very, very frustrating.
Then on top of all of that, I really miss my baby SO damn much! I can't stand this empty hole in my heart... its so strange how I can love, miss and ache so much for someone I've never met.... but from the very moment I looked at that beautiful dot in my u/s.... I "knew" my child.... I can't explain it... I just really, really miss my baby.
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I think you should see if your doctor can recommend someone you could talk to. I know my clinic has some people the recommend for talking about loss.
Myself, I am really not having a terrible time with this miscarriage because I never really believed it was going to work out... I mostly feel annoyed and horrendously inconvenienced. Angry, I guess. Why does a lousy egg bother to fertilize and implant and waste everyone's time? I admire the effort and all but... why? Why couldn't I have just had a BFN and kept moving on as usual? But despite that I think I am going to look into counselling anyway because I seriously think the whole TTC process has sent my sanity on a vacation. I know I'm depressed, I know I am bordering on dysfunctional, but I keep thinking THIS cycle will be the one to work and THEN I will be happy... I don't want to go on meds now because THIS cycle will work... etc... well I have been thinking that for a long time.
A long time, no baby, and I'm pretty much off my rocker. SO... I'm gonna see who my nurse might suggest I see. I know, rationally, it helps to have a neutral party to spout off to... I know medication can help... it's just kind of hard to mobilize yourself to take the first step and all.
I'm getting kind of tired of living with myself, though. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I just mean I annoy myself and I need to do something about it.
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"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
I completely understand everything you have said.... and in almost every way, I am right there with ya! ***HUGS***
I am very angry about this whole thing... mostly because like you said... its such an "inconvenience" because NOW I am on the bench so to speak, waiting for my body to catch up and get with the program.... so once again... for God only knows HOW MANY MONTHS, we can TTC again...... *sighs*
Will this ever end...... will I EVER have my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms? Will I ever be happy.....?
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On a TTC break...
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Feeling really overwhelmed!!! 
