Feeling Scared to Death

Sarah in Louisiana · 07-25-2003, 04:58 AM

To make a long story as short as possible. I haven't been back to the doctor since December, after losing Rhianna. This month, I kept having real sharp pains during and after intercourse. I've been avoiding OB/GYNs at all cost, after my losses and my sister's. Well, I decided to listen to hubby, and make a dr's appt. Called the office, the nurse asked why I needed an appt. I told her because of the pains. She asked when my LMP was, so I told her. She asked if it normally took that long in between cycles I said no (on day 32 of a normally 28 day cycle), but was afraid that something was wrong because of the sharp pains and no AF. She said they couldn't see me til I took a HPT so they could determine if I needed a GYN or an OB appt. (THIS I THOUGHT WAS CRAZY, isn't that what their office is supposed to do?) Anyways, just to appease her, I told hubby to grab a test on the way home today. As he was washing his hands for dinner, I did the test, threw it on top of the toilet. Turned to tell him it was pointless, looked back for a moment (couldn't have been more than a minute or two) and there were TWO lines. I almost could have fell in the toilet.

After everything that has gone on with pregnancies in my family lately, he and I decided we weren't going to TTC, because of our fear.

Now I'm scared to death. This is my FOURTH pregnancy since Jan 02.

I can't believe this. I don't know what to think, I had no idea I could be. with the last 3, I had cramps right before my AF was due, horribly sore BB's, etc. this time NOTHING. I seriously just thought my AF was about to start going back on those wierd cycles where they only show up every few months.

I'm so afraid. Mentally I can't go through anymore losses. Not this soon, that's why I was so ready to call it quits on TTC. I'm so scared what to think. I made it through 5 months with the last pregnancy, only to lose it so traumatically. It damn near broke my spirit completely.

I never thought I would feel upset about being pregnant. But I am. Not about being pregnant, but about getting attached to it. I just found out tonight, so all the what if's are already running through my head to the point I can't sleep.

I want to think so badly, that since we weren't trying and it happened anyways, that this one is meant to be.

I'm sorry to be ranting like this. I'm just so freaked out right now.

MaLee · 07-25-2003, 05:02 AM

(((((((Hugs)))))))) I don't know what to say to help you feel better, but just wanted to let you know I pray everything will be OK.

airforcewifeynva · 07-25-2003, 04:36 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I went 9 months with my last pg only to lose my son. It was horrible! How do you ever recover from something like that? This time I am petrified. I dont have to just get through the first trimester....or the second...I have to get through them ALL! I tell myself every day that this one will be different. I have to do that to keep my sanity. It can't be good for the baby if I am in constant worry mode.

I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from as far as what you are feeling. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah in Louisiana · 07-25-2003, 06:37 PM

Jessica,

I figured if anyone could understand it'd be you.

Is there a way to get past it, and not be so afraid to be pregnant? I'm so scared to remotely let myself enjoy the idea that I'm pregnant again. This should be a happy time, and yet I'm literally emotionally froze in fear.

airforcewifeynva · 07-25-2003, 08:53 PM

Sarah,

I don't know if there is an exact answer for what you are looking for. I know I haven't found one. I can only offer what I have gone through and hope that it might help a little.

I just have to take this pregnancy one day at a time. The beginning was really hard. I found out when I was 5wks along and 40 weeks sounded like so far away. I was SURE I would never make it that far. How I got through the first trimester...and this might sound bad....but I didn't think much about being pg. It was how I dealt with it. DH and I wanted this child so much but I was so afraid to get used to the idea because I was afraid I would lose the baby.

Honestly, I haven't bonded with this baby like I did with my first. I know it sounds horrible....but its hard. I love this baby with all my heart. I just know deep inside that this time things will be ok. The pregnancy gets harder as the weeks go by because now I can feel Ben moving around. Last pregnancy I loved it...and this time I do too....but I find myself panicking whenever I dont feel him.

I don't know if you are religious or not but for me, I have to put my faith in God...which is also hard....since I had issues with God after losing Dallas. What I hang on to most is a part in the Bible which says God will not give us more than we can handle....and if I lost this child, it will definitely be more than I can handle.

I will keep you in my prayers. I know its not easy by a long shot. Just think about all the babies in heaven that are looking down on their little brothers and sisters. I have 3 angel babies looking out for me and Ben right now. That also gives me comfort.

Stay strong. I know you can be.