I have been in a state of absolute shock since losing the baby on Tuesday night. Dh had to go back to work Thursday.. and works his second job all weekend. We were 15w1d. We had a baby boy.
I have only cried three times... On the way to the hospital as I held the baby between my legs - when I woke up the next morning and realized that dh wouldn't be kissing my stomach anymore- and later that day when dh started crying. I feel so alone in all of this. Aside from my dh, I have no one. My mom died.. my dad and several of my siblings have been out of my life for some time... my sister lives in another state... and she was the only in my family that even knew I was pregnant.
My milk came in last night- and that's when I realized that I am so angry and so sad that I want to die. I am hurting so much.
If it weren't for my dh- this is something I wouldn't think twice about... I wouldn't ever want to hurt him this way. We have given it everything we have to create a family. Losing our fourth baby in little over a year is tearing me apart- and I fear that I don't have the courage or strength to move forward. Last time I had no hesitations about what we would do- moving on was the only thing we ever considered.
This time is different- Before- we could chalk up our losses to low progesterone and a "freak happening" something unlikely to ever happen again- This time has stopped me in my tracks. Common sense tells me get up-- schedule diagnostic tests.. find out everything you can before getting pregnant again... and then the voice in my heart says " you can't handle anymore disappointments". But, somehow being with my babies feels like a better choice right now than dealing with my realty.
I don't have anyone I can talk to- thanks for reading this if you did. I am sure atleast some of you can relate to how i am feeling- and I just wondered how you get past your repeated losses...
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it seems like it is all you can do just to get through the day. All I can say is I don't think you ever get over losing a child but in time you olny learn to live with it.
I know for me it was worse when my milk came in. My heart goes out to you. It is so hard because no one except someone else who has lost a child knows what you are going through and even then things affect people differently. What works for me may not work for you. Going to a support group is what helped. Also every Tuesday night I log on to Compassionate friends chat. There is a chat especially for people who have lost children. It ha been a tremendos source of support for me.
Also naming the baby helped a great deal. I hope you find some way to get through this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
I have never been in the situation you are finding yourself in,so I have no advice to give you,so i send you lots of hugs and hope that somehow you get through this tough time.
Stay strong.
XxX
__________________ me (ali)27 Him (richard)35
Ovary Drilling,Lap&Dye test -feb 2002
28th October pg test +++(one for each test i used) LOL
Heared baby heartbeat 14th Jan...AMAZING!!!
George John Owen Mills born 9th July 2003 at 12.04am weighing 9lb 8oz! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My heart goes out to you. I have lost 3 babies myself but 2 were early miscarriages. I know exactly what you are feeling though. After losing Dallas last year, I did NOT want to go through that again. Delivering a child who was no longer living, having to fly home to TN for a funeral, dealing with my milk coming in, then flying home to a home with a nursery almost done was HORRIBLE!!!
I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have DH. He was my rock through the whole thing. We decided to try one more time and so far things are going ok...but I am scared to get my hopes up.
Just thinking about what you are dealing with brings tears to my eyes. The pain of losing Dallas is still hard for me. Losing a child is the worst thing a parent could ever deal with.
I pray that you and your DH will find the strength to get through this. It just kills me that any woman should have to go through this pain.
Just remember that we are all here for you. Hang in there.
Karen, I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. I just want you to know that you are not alone. There may be times that you feel alone, but there are so many people thinking about you and that are here to support you as you go through your loss. I'm sending all the coping thoughts that I can to you right now. I know it must be so hard, but I'm glad that you are sharing your story so we can all help you through this. We are all here for you to lean on. (((hugs))) Amanda S.
__________________ Me -- 32
DH -- 34
dx with PCOS February 2003
3 failed Clomid cycles
m/c, June 2003
HSG, August 2003, all clear
Folistim cycle September 2003...it's a +++!!
Twin boys born May 2004!
Met 1500/day, "slim" cyster
Surprise BFP on Feb. 10th!
Daughter born September 2006!
I have been following you for quite some time now, again I am sorry about your loss. Have you considered looking into a support group in your area; something you can meet other people in your areas to share and not feel so alone? I dont have many suggestions but just know that I am thinking about you.
Karen:
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember the day my milk came in after I lost my girls. It really is like a slap in the face. It is bad enough you lost a child, you shouldn't have to go through the pain of your milk coming in. We saw a grief counselor right after we lost the girls and it really seemed to help. I remember the first few weeks I was in a complete fog. I had to force myself to shower and to go outside, otherwise I would just lay in bed all day. I planted a garden in my backyard in honor of my girls. It helped get me out of the house in the morning. Now when I look in the backyard, that is the first thing I see, and it makes me happy. If you are feeling really bad, don't be embarrassed to ask your OB for antidepressants. I also met with a perinatologist to try and determine why I lost the girls, and what I could do for a future pregnancy. It at least made me feel like I was doing something constructive. Take all the time you need to grieve for your son. If you are feeling really bad, please don't be afraid to ask for help.
Traci
__________________ Age 36, DH 35
1st IVF Twin girls lost due to incompetent cervix at 21 weeks on 4-21-03.
9-1-03 Miscarriage
2nd IVF 4-04 Successful, It's a boy!
FET 11-28-05 - BFP! It's a girl!
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karen, i'm so sorry about your loss. may god bless you and your husband. i'll keep you in my prayers. if you would like to e-mail me daculadawg1@yahoo.com
__________________ THANK YOU GOD FOR MY 2 WONDERFUL LITTLE GIRLS!!!!
Karen I understand your pain. I have lost two babies. I to felt very alone. My dh is wonderful but I still felt very alone. My suggestion is to try a support group in your area. That is what brings me my sanity. All of the women there know the same kind of pain. I hope that your local group can bring you the confirm mine has brought me. Feel free to email me. Angelj432@aol.com
I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I know after I lost my first little boy at 16 weeks and my second little boy at 18 weeks I was totally devastated. My sister gave me a book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It helped me a lot. I also went to a perinatalogist and genetic specialist and had a full work up.
Although they never found anything conclusive, they gave me the hope to try again. I still had the will to, but when I didn't conceive for a while I was about to give up I did get pregnant and finally had my son in 1999.
Just keep fighting through this tough time and you will have joy again. I know it feels like nothing will ever make you happy again. I remember right after I lost the first baby, people were on the radio trying to win a trip to Hawaii and they were laughing and having a great time and I couldn't fathom ever enjoying anything like that again. But you will.
Prayers for you and your DH.
__________________ Elaine 41
Patrick 41
Allie 17 Ryan 8
Shop Avon with Me this Christmas
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(((((((((((karen)))))))))) I just want to crawl through my computer and give you a big hug! My heart goes out to you. The pain of loosing one child felt too much to bare, let alone more than one. Please know you are not alone, we may not be near you but we are here. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, and I am sure that you will find the strenght to go on. You are a strong women, and you will find the courage to know what steps to take, maybe not straight away, but you will. But for now, hang in there. Face each day one day at time. Oh that bl@@dy milk! That brings back sad memories, just remember, this too will pass.
Please take care
hugs
Teeg
__________________ Me Teeg:30yo Dh Mike: 29yo
dx nov
1 Angel baby Alexis -19 wks pg, Born still 28th Feb 03 (clomid 50mg cd2-7)
1 beautiful little girl -Hannah Alexis born 24th April 3.6kg(clomid 50mg cd2-7) Now a healthy 9 month old...but wait...met worked....OMG...+hpt edd 1st August 04
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Yesterday I woke up and got out of bed- one week and one day following our loss. I actually got up and cleaned the house. I spent most of my pregnancy in bed... so there was alot for me to do. I cleaned and cleaned from the time I saw my dh off, until he arrived home in the afternoon. Although I didn't complete everything I set out to do... I was exhausted from the physical work of it all. Tomorrow is another day.
I have a better outlook than even the day before... and that is something I never thought I would see. My milk has come in with a vengeance... I leaked all day long... I am spotting, having headaches and diarehea... But watching the Memorials this morning on tv reminded me of all the sadness in this world.. and forced me to take a deep breathe. I watched little children have the courage to stand in front of so many and tell the world how much they miss and love their deceased moms, dads, uncles, aunts etc... and here I am tucked under my covers afraid to leave my bedroom. Children have so much to teach us... I just need to listen. I have made a decision to get up each morning ... and live.
My heart aches for each of my angel babies... and I will always love them and keep them close to my heart. I know I will see them again one day. Until then... I am going to live. I know I will have good days and bad days... but I will some how find the courage to get through. Thank you everyone for keeping us in your prayers... and your words are wise. On the days I felt like checking out- someone was here on the board encouraging me to hold on... and reminding me that you were all close by...
that truly helped me. For now- I am just going to try and get better.
Karen
Feeling so alone... 
