Feeling so alone with what I feel is little/no support

froubaby · 12-12-2008, 06:51 PM

The past 12 months have been quite rough in my life.

Nov 07 - New boyfriend with a child
Nov 07 - Apr 08 - Dealing with the boyfriend's ex and boyfriend putting me to the side to keep the ex happy
Apr 08 - Boyfriend moves into my home for good (he had been staying for a months already though)
July 08 - Boyfriend taking DNA test and finding his son isn't his.
Aug 08 - Meeting the child's real family.
Aug 08 - Start getting headaches from nowhere only to have an MRI find a 6mm "thing" in the right thalamus of my brain. Put on Prednisone and Amitriptyline to get rid of the headaches.
Sep 08 - Cyst on right ovary erupts (2nd time happening) and stuck on pain meds for a few weeks.
Aug/Sept 08 - Battle to get work to change health insurance plans to cover docs in my state (work for a NYC company where insurance had only covered NY/CT/NJ docs, but I lived in FL)
Oct 08 - New insurance and start with docs on both issues. Hate all first round docs (gyno/neurologist/opthamologist)
Nov 08 - New round of docs. New neurologist confirms PTC (psuedutumor cerebri) is causing the headaches and puts me on Diamox. (Headaches still continue to this day along with 2 side effects of the meds.)
Nov/Dec 08 - Endocrinologist confirms PCOS with blood work (after being told a year ago I didn't have it) and pretty much confirms Endometriosis, a septate uterus and not sure about growths in uterus. Surgery scheduled for Jan 8th.
Dec 08 - Can't handle the stress from health probs, work, boyfriend not being supportive, and thinking about the past year. Go to a psychotherapist and told I am suffering from depression and anxiety. No meds as my neurologist says to wait till after surgery (yet I found out today the Diamox he put me can also lead to depression and he doesn't find any need to take me off it).

I feel so lost and alone right now. It was this past Tuesday that the psychotherapist gave her diagnosis and later that night I told my boyfriend to leave. I then became very angry as I sat here thinking of all events from the past year and how he really didn't give me much support even though I was there for him through all of his heartaches... and more so with the past 4 months since the health problems started. I can't count on him for helping around the house doing house chores (I was even outside mowing the lawn myself dealing with the pain from the cyst erupting). I can't count on him for contributing to the house bills when he says he will. Everything lately has ended in argument after argument. He wants to have fun and not worry about the responsibilities in life. He is so not the person I thought he was.

On Tuesday night when I needed my friends most, they gave him support because I told him to leave. And since, I've been getting phone calls and emails from his friends and family telling me to be nice to him during this breakup time to make this as painless as possible. Hearing that only leads me to more tears and more anger. Why should I be nice to him after all the heartache he has caused me by not showing support through this rough time?

My family is over 1200 miles away and if it weren't for my cats and not being able to write my Dad a goodbye letter, I'd be gone right now. That is the only thing keeping me here.

I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of being the strong person everyone has known me to be. I want someone to take care of me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I'm sorry to splurge this to a bunch of people I don't even know, but after reading some of the posts in here it sounds like I'm not alone afterall and that maybe this is where I can find comfort.

HELP!

siamlovex2 · 12-12-2008, 08:42 PM

dear Liz,

(( Hugs to you)) Wow, you've really had a tough year! I know it's hard when the people you've counted on for support aren't there for you. The emotional heartache with the boyfriend is bad enough, but then to add all your physical problems on top of it can be too much for one person to bear! It's little wonder that you're feeling depressed and anxious right now. However, I hope you know that everything that's been happening to you lately is NOT your fault...you've just gotten dealt a really bad hand in life right now.

Whatever you decide to do at this point, please, please, PLEASE don't end your life! It's a permanent solution to a temporary, yes, temporary problem...and it's NEVER the right solution. Believe me, I know this first hand, as I recently lost a dear family member to suicide and I still feel an huge ache in my heart whenever I think of this person (which is everyday). Think about how sad your dad and family will be if you were no longer around. Think about your two kitties...who would take care of them if you're gone? I know it's hard to believe right now, but you are a precious child of God who has great value and a purpose in this world. I know, I don't really know you, but I can tell from your post that you are a thoughtful, consciencious person who has really good writing skills and is able to communicate well to others. Even though you're going through a tough time right now, your destiny is still out there and it could be that all of this "stuff" is preparing you for a higher purpose. I know this probably sounds corny, but you never know what God has in store for you!

As someone who's gone through a lot in her life, too (and thought of ending it all a couple of times in the past), all I can tell you is to hang in there and use your strength and perserverance to work through the quagmire that you feel you're in right now. Things WILL get better for you than they are now! I went through a lot of crap a couple of years ago and at the time I felt like my life was never going to get better. Nowadays, however, I'm very happy with a wonderful boyfriend, loving family, two cats, a good job, and a nice home. If nothing else, I think what I went through two years ago has helped me to become VERY grateful for the blessings I have in my life right now. Best of all, I know that I have all of these nice things because of my own hard work....I never gave up even during my darkest hour.

I think it's good that you kicked out your boyfriend...he was bringing you down anyway. Personally, I think you deserve MUCH better. As for your so-called "friends", it's terrible that they can't be there for you during your time of need. This is just a thought...I don't know if you have a religious faith of any kind, but is there a church or congregation that you can go to right now? There might be some folks there who could give you some comfort right now. Also, is there any way you can contact your dad or family just to get a little support? During this time is when you need your family more than ever.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help to you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and there's people out there who DO care about you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to leave me a private message on my siamlovex2 page. Wishing you the best of luck and health....I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.

suzi_anne25 · 12-13-2008, 08:05 AM

Hey,
You are not alone!! You're never alone, sometimes it's just not very clear who your supporters are.. but there are people who love you... I acknowledge this has been a rough year and the holidays might be difficult, but you have the power within you to make next year much better.. With all the health stuff you will have to deal with, I suggest focusing on you and the more you do that,the less important the ex with his drama will become... Take every day one step at a time..
Plus with the PCOS your hormones will make things seem even crazier too...
While I didn't have the boyfriend issues, I had a year of terrible health, surgery, hospital visits, work stress... etc.. but after being so drained I decided to pick one thing that would make me happy..so I turned to my journal of the list of stuff I wanted to accomplish in life and picked one and focused on.. maybe for you it could be watching the sunset on the beach everyday in FL, reading more, volunteering., stopping at the flower shop and maybe just get one flower. just pick one thing to do.. more than one might be overkill now.. and channel your energy into that ..because for that brief time you will be happy...and over time add more things..

The most amazing thing will happen, because I believe it will.. when you're doing these things you will be surprised at the supporters you will find..the people who have no idea of your stress but somehow are there for you.. ever notice the toddler walking with the parents who keeps staring at you and smiling.. that's love right there.. the old lady in the store who seems to ask you these random questions about the ham you're planning to buy and calls you sweetheart.. they are there and if you focus on that each one that gives you a smile looks at you , you realize that's your support system too in a very different way..

Another thing i did, which you could do is make a commitment to understand your body..the pcos and the other stuff.. the science, other's experiences, etc. so this way you feel informed and more positive about the changes you will make in the new year and the surgery and all that...

p.s dont think of "going anywhere" ..there's so much left in the world for you to conquer and a lot more happiness to enjoy!

Since it is 6am on Sat morning I hope you are not up reading this

but sound asleep.

froubaby · 12-13-2008, 12:33 PM

Thank you both for your responses. They both in some way have lifted my spirits a bit. I know I probably sound like a whiny b!tch, but I'm just so tired of all the pressures on my shoulders. I've been through a LOT in life (weeks in the hospital at birth that should have resulted in death, witnessed tons of fights between mom & dad including mom stabbing dad, witnessed step-dad almost killing mom, took mom to court at 13 to move out to dad's bc she couldn't understand my wanting to get out of the house with her and my step-dad, step-mom cheating on dad and helping to be dad's shoulder to cry on only to be completely ignored months later when he found his next wife, been cheated on in every relationship, been through 1 divorce already - the list goes on). Yes, I have always pushed through all of these moments in the past and have accomplished a lot on my own - 29 and I own my own home, 2 cars, 3 cats, owned my own business for 4 years while working a full time job, hold a higher level job for a Manhattan company while working from home in SoFla. I've been dealing with pressure and have always had to be responsible whether I've wanted to or not. I really thought this man was going to be the one who I could share responsibilities with. Someone who could take over things on days where I just didn't feel well enough to do so.

God, I'm just going on and on now. I can't wait for my next appt with the psychotherapist.