I hope nobody takes this personally, but I'm pretty sure you'll all understand. I'm feeling so so sorry for myself right now. A month and a half ago, I would have told you all that I am doing fabulous and so ready for another baby. I would have been thrilled to be pregnant.
And then the anxiety and depression hit. The anxiety built up for a month. When my stepdaughters went back home after two months, I nearly ended up in the mental ward of the nearest hospital. Praise God for medicine, prayer and His healing... I'm doing a lot better with the panic attacks. I'm finally making my peace with the Lord.
But now that I feel better from the anxiety, EVERYONE is getting pregnant. Everyone in my support group, everyone here. I'm really happy for everyone... really, I am! But I realized just how much I want to raise children when I sent my stepdaughters back home. It was so much fun to have them for two months, and now they are gone. I had Gabriel was 4 months, and he is gone, too.
I know it will happen someday, but I'm really starting to be impatient. And now I have to wait another few months to try again so I can get off all of the meds that I am on. Meanwhile, my PCOS symptoms are becoming UGLY. I'm not ovulating. I had a week of spotting, 5 days of AF, and now I've been spotting for three days. Could I POSSIBLY be more SCREWED UP?
I really expected that I would be pregnant by now. But I'm still going through all this garbage and who knows when it will end???
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself.....
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I'm so sorry you have to be going through all of this. I don't know what to say other than to give you a HUGE cyber (((((((hug)))))).
We are always here to listen to you...
Sweetie, I know how stuck you feel because I've been there. Sometimes it only lasts a little while, and you're back on track. Unfortunately sometimes it drags on for a while. Losses totally derail the plans we had and put us into the Twilight Zone, waiting for something to happen. Trying to work on your health (mental/emotional as well as physical) is the only thing you can do during the wait that will contribute to a healthy pregnancy for your next baby. It is totally frustrating, like running in circles. I truly wish this wasn't happening for you right now!!!
Please bear in mind that some of the cysters who have recently conceived have had additional losses, so all is not rosey for everyone else. It certainly looks that way when you feel sh!tty, but it simply isn't that way. One of these days, you'll be that person who conceives again, so try not to feel like the odd one out. It's just a timing issue. You will be further along in your grief at that point, and I think that would be much better emotionally than what I went through.
All this blathering on being done, what I really want to say is that I care very deeply about you, Adrianne, and I wish you weren't hurting. I hope tomorrow is a lot better for you...
And lots of hugs,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's very frustrating to watch others get BFPs when you want one so badly - and I know what you mean about being happy for them - you are happy for them, but it makes you sad for yourself. My dad always says "The good fortune of others does not take away your good fortune."
I sincerely hope that it WILL be your turn soon. Huge (((hugs))) to you...
I don't know which is worse... not having a BFP yet.... or that I got another BFP or that I'm losing it again.
Here's the nice thing... when you DO get pregnant, you have been diagnosed with IC and they'll do everything possible so that it doesn't happen again.
Sometimes, when you've given up, that's when things happen. I know people say that, and it can be annoying, but sometimes there is a light that will come into your darkest hour.
((hugs)) and don't ever feel that you can't vent to us.
__________________
Jules (34) Harrison (35)
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Sparky, our emergent cerclage baby, born at 23w1d on 3/4/07 through his cerclage. Died from NEC on 3/12/07. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Scooter 1/28/05 16w3d, IC
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Tater Tot 9/10/05 9w4d
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Pucky 6/11/07 blighted ovum Dx PCOS 10/2003.
TAC placed 6/28/07 at University of Chicago.
Moving on to IVF after a year of infertility and 3 Femara cycles. Lupron started on 7/27.
I completely understand what youre talking about. I am SOOOO EXCITED about my fellow cysters who are now expecting their little miracles...cause they truly are. I just want to hire a marching band in celebration of our little miracles!!!
But on the other hand, I am sad/worried that it hasn't happened for me yet. There are just so many issues with me being pregnant if it were to happen. At times, I am just so scared to go through it again. I have to believe that God knows what he's doing up there. Although I know He has put me to test with the loss of Matthew. When my time comes, I will definitely ask him what He was thinking!
Adrianne, please know that you are not alone...ever! I am always here for you!!
Sending you big hugs my friend! (((((Adrianne)))))
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Diana - 36! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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((Adrianne and Diana)). We all came on board at the same time last Fall - just last week I was feeling the same as you two (remember my "I'll be lurking" post?). I still miss Rivi so much, and I have all of these anniversaries coming up. So do the two of you - and that can make this grief so much worse.
I don't have much advice, just lots of hugs and love for both of you...I do hope that when you're ready, you have perfect pregnancies and enjoy every moment of them. If you need anything, or just want to whine, please PM me!
2 angels To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. : "Jaden" ~ M/C @ 6wks 8/25/04 "Baby" ~ M/C @ 5wks, 5dys (01/06/2007)
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Awww Adrienne, your time is coming...and i know this limbo stage really sucks..been there done that But dont forget, what youre doing now IS important, its not just the active treatment but its taking care of yourself too before you start that...but i understand the anxiety waiting to get going on the good stuff, and you will soon.
plus youre missing your step daughters (dont they live in France??!!) so youre bummed out about that too...so lots of hugs coming your way, one for every day you get closer to your goal!!
believe it or not, i SO know how you feel. as far as the anxiety/depression goes.....maybe i didnt quite display it here, but if you saw what condition i was in "real life" for the past year, you would know that you certainly are not alone. And then it was time to TTC. I really really debated on if I should wait awhile longer, because I didnt feel emotionally/mentally stable enough. But then I realized that maybe I would never be emotionally stable enough, so I just took a leap of faith and did it. I figured I'd deal with any consequences later. Thankfully, as time went on, I did start to improve a bit. I was so afraid to take fertility meds again, so we tried on our own for awhile (which didnt work). It was so hard to watch everyone pregnant around me. I thought it would never be me again.
I know how hard it is right now. Please know that it WILL be you again. And eventually you will feel "okay" again. Although life will never go back to what it was before, you will have brighter days ahead.
Hugs
Thank you all so much for your responses!!! I really appreciate all of your efforts to say some comforting words to me. They meant a lot to me. I know that pregnancy won't be an easy road. A woman in my support group who just had yet another loss was telling me that she wishes she could make a wish and have a baby in her arms.... totally skipping over the TTC and pregnancy part. Wouldn't THAT be nice???
Julianne, I'm so so sorry that you're going through another loss. I've been thinking about you.
I know I need to heal first, and get off the zoloft before TTC again. I know I need to lose some weight. I guess it was just difficult for me because I wasn't expecting this. I thought I was all better! Then... WHAM... I'm a basket case
I went to a counseling appointment last night, and I felt like I had hope. There are some issues that I am working on that I have been struggling with for most of my life. But I think that, through counseling, I will finally be able to overcome them.
So, last night I came home feeling better than I have felt in so very long. I can tell that the zoloft is kicking in because I just feel... smoothed out. I wish I had gotten treatment a long time ago. But I resisted the drugs for so long because I felt I needed to get through it on my own and "be strong." But there was no reason for me to suffer like that. I see that now.
Well, I'm rambling. But I want you all to know that I love you and I appreciate your support more than you could know.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
But I resisted the drugs for so long because I felt I needed to get through it on my own and "be strong." But there was no reason for me to suffer like that. I see that now.
Adrianne, I resisted drugs too. All that did was make things worse for myself. I am SO glad you are seeking help through counseling and medication. I am always thinking of you. we all adore you and only want the best for you.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Sparky, our emergent cerclage baby, born at 23w1d on 3/4/07 through his cerclage. Died from NEC on 3/12/07. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Scooter 1/28/05 16w3d, IC
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Tater Tot 9/10/05 9w4d
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Pucky 6/11/07 blighted ovum Dx PCOS 10/2003.
TAC placed 6/28/07 at University of Chicago.
Moving on to IVF after a year of infertility and 3 Femara cycles. Lupron started on 7/27.
Feeling sorry for myself 
But dont forget, what youre doing now IS important, its not just the active treatment but its taking care of yourself too before you start that...but i understand the anxiety waiting to get going on the good stuff, and you will soon. 
