file this under what not to say to someone who has had a m/c

sammykins · 11-03-2009, 10:48 PM

I had someone say to me that God was doing me a favor by making me have a miscarrage. Her exact words were "someone up there is looking out for you." meaning since there was something wrong with the baby, I am better off.
I know she ment well, but it made me upset.
I just had to get my feelings out there to see how any one else feels about it.

Anonykat · 11-03-2009, 10:58 PM

Holy crap. People are such freaking idiots. I am soooo sorry she said this to you - as though your precious child was a defective appliance that you didn't really want anyway.

I know someone who is dying of leukemia. He is only 29, married for 3 years, with two children under 2. It's a terrible situation, but for some reason people always feel the need to try to "make him feel better", with blather about how it's all for the best, it's God's will, he should accept his fate with dignity, etc etc etc. I just don't understand why people aren't allowed to grieve in peace, to deal with death on their own terms (whether that death be their own or someone else's, like their child's) without other people trying to say magic words to "fix" things - words that inevitably make everything worse!

Your child was not a mistake. S/he was perfect in his or her own way. I am so sorry that s/he couldn't stay, and I'm sorry that so many people think it's their job to try to explain why bad things happen. I wish this person had taken time to think before saying something so horrible and inconsiderate. My deepest sympathies on your loss.

kellie105 · 11-03-2009, 10:59 PM

OMG! I am so sorry, i cant believe how insensitive some people can be. My 2 friends who were with me through my m/c have since had m/c themselves and they both told me that they had no idea how horrible it is until they experienced it. I think some people just dont get it.

TDoern · 11-03-2009, 11:57 PM

It totally sucks eh?

The sad thing is that these people really think they are saying the right things. So many people try to say anything - and don't realize that sometimes silence or "I don't know what you're going through but I'm here if you need me" is so much more appreciated.

sammykins · 11-04-2009, 12:42 AM

Even before this happened, (maybe because of my training as a nurse, i don't know) i knew in times of crisis saying superficial crap like that does not make a person feel better. It is exactly like tammy said, you just have to let them know you are there for them, there are no magic words.
when she said that thing about someone looking out for me i responded, "i still wanted my baby" and she said, i know but...blah, blah, blah (to me it sounded like blah, blah)
i may be in a venting mode but i am also tired of people telling me i will be able to have other kids. right now i am mourning the loss of this baby, my dear angel who i wanted more than anything in the world. i know i will be a mother some day, but it will never take away the love i had for this baby.
i know you girls know exactly how i feel.

alwayzrn · 11-04-2009, 10:25 AM

Sammykins--I undestand how you feel and when I lost my two boys 6 months apart people started to tell me, maybe God doesn't want you to have children with your husband. I was like, ok God being against divorce is going to cause me to leave him just so I could have babies. Anyway I started arguing back with them. I would tell them since they knew why, What can I do to fix it? Explain to me why everyone else could have their babies but mine had to die? Why are drug addicts having babies like crazy and I can't even get mine? After awhile they stopped making stupid comments like that to me.

I feel until we let these people know that these comments are not ok they will continue to do it!

Im_me · 11-04-2009, 03:47 PM

I'm sorry you had to hear her say that, I can't imagine what I would have done, but it probably wouldn't have been a pretty sight.
When I had my first m/c a good friend said "Well don't get yourself too down about it, you can always have more" I know that she meant well, but I told her to piss off anyway.

Most people just don't know how to deal with someone elses pain & until you've had a m/c you can never understand what it takes from you. Hell I've had two & when someone tells me they've had one, all I can say is "I know it's hard, but you'll get through this & if there's anything I can do to help let me know" I know it's common to say your sorry, but that is the one thing I HATED to hear, so I don't say it.

TDoern · 11-04-2009, 07:56 PM

Sammy - you ARE a mommy already. The "I know I'll be a mother someday" - you ARE a mother now. Your baby knows that, we know that. I firmly believe the moment you get that BFP or just the "I think I'm pregnant" you start dreaming, and loving that little life. That's a parent, a mom, a dad, the moment that love hits you and you would do anything for that little life.

dollface1982 · 11-05-2009, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sammykins

I had someone say to me that God was doing me a favor by making me have a miscarrage. Her exact words were "someone up there is looking out for you." meaning since there was something wrong with the baby, I am better off.
I know she ment well, but it made me upset.
I just had to get my feelings out there to see how any one else feels about it.

I know exactly how you feel. I just got out of the hospital last Thursday from delivering a 17 weeks baby boy. All I kept hearing is its for the best and it was meant to be. How do you tell someone that when they are in the situation. People should watch what they say to you. I was walking around for 3 weeks with a dead baby in me but people have the audacity to say such crap!!!

Bad enough is that I don't have answers for what happened to my baby. Where do I go from here?

sammykins · 11-06-2009, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollface1982

I know exactly how you feel. I just got out of the hospital last Thursday from delivering a 17 weeks baby boy. All I kept hearing is its for the best and it was meant to be. How do you tell someone that when they are in the situation. People should watch what they say to you. I was walking around for 3 weeks with a dead baby in me but people have the audacity to say such crap!!!

Bad enough is that I don't have answers for what happened to my baby. Where do I go from here?

dollface-
i am so sorry for the loss of your baby. it has only been a week for you, how are you doing? are they going to be doing any testing to see why your baby died?

Purple_monkfish · 11-08-2009, 06:02 PM

At this point, I actually WOULD punch that guy in the face for such idiotic comments. Hell, the Jehovas witnesses wont come over anymore because they made the mistake of knocking on my door literally DAYS after my second m/c... suffice to say, I wasn't in the mood to talk about God's masterplan... I think I was pretty rude to them, they sort of, scurried away after I snapped at their comment "God loves you and is looking out for you"

Yeah, i'm an angry angry lady.

I don't CARE about the science and those comments about how it was "for the best, there must have been something wrong" because it doesn't take away the pain and the grief. Not a day goes by where I don't wish like anything by little ones could have stuck, wonder what they'd have been like and muse to myself "I'd have a one year old now.." or something similar.
I remember holding my sister's little girl, who was due the same time as my first loss was, and I just wanted to cry. It was so hard.

My mother regularly ticks me off with stupid remarks, which surprises me. She's had so many m/cs, you'd think she'd KNOW NOT TO MAKE STUPID COMMENTS! but alas, my mother likes to fix things and as a result, ends up with me hanging up on her a lot.

You know, I didn't ever get a sorry... not even from the hospital. My first loss they ushered me into a side room to hide me from the other women and then shoved papers to sign in my face. I couldn't read what they were making me sign, but they didn't care, they just wanted me gone.
Second loss, the doctor at the emergancy room had the audacity to tell me I was lying about being pregnant! He said i'd never been pregnant in the first place and I was imagining it and not miscarrying at all!??? My home doctor confirmed a few weeks later that this was bull****, I had been pregnant and I HAD lost it.

I'm still exceedingly bitter, almost a year on and I STILL haven't recovered. Ok so my losses were early losses, I can't imagine losing a baby at 17 weeks, I mean... my heart aches at the very thought and I honestly do feel for those of you who've been through that... but i'm still hurting and stupid remarks make me mad... really... really mad.

lbflower · 11-09-2009, 10:07 PM

I'm so sorry! Comments like that make it hard. When I miscarried, I had someone tell me that it was just the same as getting my period since I was only about 6 or 7 weeks and if I hadn't tested I wouldn't have known. Which may be true but that isn't what happened and I DID know.

dollface1982 · 11-10-2009, 01:21 PM

Yeah all of that is a load of crap!! I just want my baby back. Each week passes and all I could think about is I am suppose to be a week closer to having my baby.

Aubriiiii · 11-12-2009, 02:44 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's never easy. It doesn't matter how far along you are. People are idiots....sometimes you just have to brush them off, and realize they probably have some mental issues... I had a guy that I work with say to me "Well, its a good thing you did miscarry. I don't really think you're in a place for a baby right now." I was so pissed, I could have hit him.

dollface1982 · 11-12-2009, 11:30 AM

Oh if someone told me that about 2 weeks ago, I probably would have hit them. I know that violence is not the answer but he would have caught this right hand before he could blink. You don't say anything like that to anyone. That was ignorant and rude!!