Finally got the courage to post this problem...

Collette · 10-11-2002, 05:02 PM

I have posted my problem so many times...but then deleted it!

Ive been diabetic type 2 for about 7 years now, i used to be on metformin, but when i found out that i was pregnant in 1999 i was put onto insulin injections instead. All was fine, then at 14 weeks into my pregancy i miscarried.
I was kept on insulin incase i fell pregnant again.

The miscarriage as with anyone who gone through this was extrememly difficult to deal with (we had been trying for 6 years) there were also alot of other issues that reared their ugly head in the weeks and months that followed. (family stuff)

Anyway,

I didnt take my insulin (i didnt feel worthy of it) Weekly counselling sessions were organized for me through the diabetic clinic i attend, i had a year of them. I thought often about suicide and my head was so messed up that i needed a break - i used to binge on sugar (alot) untill i got to the point that that was all i would i eat, until i was permenatly 'zombiefied' so that i couldnt let any thoughts get in.
I still have my moments, im sorry to say, but i do try to take my insulin. I have been put on metformin and the insulin pen at the moment, but havent taken either for months (cant remember when i last took it) when i have managed to take it i think my record has been 5 days in a row, then i will get stressed and cant take it again.

I guess i feel that i can cope with problems better if i dont take it (i suppose because im so sugared up i cant concentrate on them)

I do try to rely on my husband if i have a problem or im just stressed, but i have gone through life dealing with my problems on my own and not relying on anyone.

I really want to get off this cycle, but i am finding it really difficult.

help!!

lilys · 10-11-2002, 09:56 PM

you sound so much like me! i felt so much like you! i seriously fantasized about ending my life daily! i was so embarrassed, but i finally saw my doctor and he put me on zoloft...a month later, i feel so so so much better! oh my gosh! i am so motivated to take better care of me now! i can cope with things! i go to a diabetes management center also, and i am taking my meds and i really feel like i am getting better everyday!
i am so very sorry about the miscarriage. i do understand. my dh and i have ttc for 8 years.
please see your doc and get some help..and take care of yourself...i'm sure the worse your blood sugar gets, the worse you'll feel. take your meds and start feeling better.
my doc says that i probably don't even realize how bad i feel until i get my sugars under control...that i will have so much more energy.
pm me or talk with me any time you like.
see your doc, and good luck!
natalie

voodoo_child · 10-11-2002, 10:26 PM

Hi Collette

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems, i hope that you will start to feel better really soon, and that you realise that you have a lot of supportive cysters!

I'm type 1 diabetic, and although i cannot relate to what problems you have had, i was devastated to learn of my diagnosis (of diabetes), and resented having to inject myself everyday for the rest of my life. Once i didn't have my insulin for a day, and my blood sugar levels went from normal (i'm around 6) to about 15, and it was really hard to get down. In my experience, you feel a lot worse when your sugar levels are 'out', so it is really important that you keep a close watch. My father is also diabetic, and he wasn't looking after himself properly, and his diabetes turned toxic, and he had a 'psychotic episode' sort of like manic depression. So it does affect your mental health as much as anything else. Do you know what your sugar levels are?

I can't speak for where you live, but over in New Zealand, my GP, endocrinologist, and diabetes nurse are fantastic, and i feel so comfortable talking to them if i feel a bit low.

Would it be possible for you to change doctors maybe? or speak to someone that could get you the help you need?

I hope it all works out for you

Take Care

DianaG · 10-12-2002, 01:42 AM

Collette, honey, I am so very sorry for your loss and for how you are feeling.

I was diagnosed a little over a year ago when I got pregnant for the first time in 7 years of trying. I was also put on insulin and unfortunately also miscarried. I have since m/c'd again this year, so I definitely can understand where you are coming from.

I am however, very worried about you. Have you had a HA1C test done lately? Are you at least checking your sugar several times a day with a glucometer? Diabetes can cause severe depression especially when added to everything else you have been through. Getting your blood sugar within normal ranges will help you to feel better physically, mentally and psychologically. Your behavior is very self destructive and could even be life threatening. As much as I felt like dying after both miscarriages, and as much as I wanted to refuse to eat or take my insulin- I didn't because I know that if I let my diabetes get out of control then I will not be able to conceive and carry full term.

I do not know if you are trying to conceive again, but you have to take care of yourself because you deserve to feel good. You deserve to treat yourself well because you have to prepare for a healthy future especially if you do conceive again. I know that the shots are horrid, but think of what you are gaining- control over your own life again. It is amazing how mentally and phsycially are blood sugar affects us. If I eat high amounts of sugar now I immediately feel horrid, and I can't believe that I used to feel that way all the time and didn't realize that everyone didn't always feel that way.

Please try to cut back on the sugary foods and eat more sensibly. There are still plenty of goodies allowed to diabetics to eat in moderation. Splenda is also a nice sweet alternative when cooking for days when you really want something sugary tasting. There has to be another way for you to cope with your problems than food. Religion-any kind has proven helpful in treating depression, tai-chi and yoga are also good ways of daily coping and stressing, many find meditation, even if it is 15 minutes a day to help center there thoughts and clear their minds.

I have found these message boards to be helpful also, in that, I know I am not alone in my problems and just knowing everyone cares helps me to be a stronger person.

Collette, we do care and we want you to take care of yourself by eating right and taking your medicine when you are supposed to every day. I hope that you talk with your doctor and that you express your concerns with him/her. Most doctors if they are good ones, care about your mental well being as much as your physical self. If you do not feel comfortable with your doctor then find one that you do feel comfortable with.

Many, many (((((hugs)))))
I wish I could ask you to promise me you will not binge on sugar and that you will take your medicine, but I know that I have no right to ask that of you. I care what happens to you and I want you to be healthy so that you will be able to fulfill your dreams.

Best Wishes,
Diana

Collette · 10-12-2002, 11:23 AM

I really wish that i had posted earlier, tbh i was worried that i would be judged and be told that you need your meds so just take them. Unfortunately it isnt as easy as that.

Sorry i didnt have more faith!

Voodoo, I dont tend to check my blood sugar levels - alot of the time i dont want to know what they are...i have reached my goal if i feel ill. I guess that having sugar has now become comfortable, i feel in control! Because ive been doing this for about 3 years ive gotton used to feeling like this, i know i need to somehow change my thinking from feeling in control when i have sugar, to, having MORE control when im on my meds.

I have been offered more counselling through the diabetic clinic - i have been considering it lately, but because im not as bad as i was, i feel guilty taking up their time.

Diana, Im sorry that you have recently miscarried. ((hug))
Im not actively trying to concieve at the moment (at least im being sensible about that) i dont want what im doing to affect anybody else.

I have had alot of childhood issues to get my head around, although i now have nothing to do with parents, there are still alot of issues i feel i need to deal with. I know that i cant deal with this on my own, i will make an appointment on Monday and have a chat with my doctors.

Lilys, i hope i can take a leaf out of your book. Thanks for the offer of talking to you, might take you up on that.

DianaG · 10-12-2002, 01:40 PM

Collette,
I am so glad you made an appointment! ((((hugs))))

HISIRISHGEM · 10-12-2002, 08:27 PM

Collette,

I too am glad your making plans to see the clinic. I'm on Gluc XR only right now, its making me sick, and it's not doing anything for me......my bloodsugar is anywhere from 146-191..fluctuating back and fourth...and if extremely frustrating as I can't do anything until I see my new RE on the 22nd. I will then be put on the pump (hopefully) like Diana is...in order to get insulin to help me with these horrible fluctuations.

My DH and I have been trying for awhile to conceive and haven't.....and even now, we're waiting until my bloodsugar is stable......which hopefully by January will be.

Yes, its hard to lean on someone, but also......you have to remember, that nobody can tell you to take your meds....you have to want to do it yourself!! Its soooo hard...that I know..because I fight everyday with chocolate cravings....but the overall feeling...one we both get there... will be so worth it! Wouldn't it be great not to feel depressed all the time?? How about having enough energy to go places, or exercise, or even to get up in the morning and be happy?? All that can be yours if you work for it. It stinks for us women with PCOS, because it seems like we have to work so much harder for everything, weight-loss, children, good dr.s lol. But its not impossible. You can do it!! we have all either been there, or are there right now....and know what your going through......but where you stand right now, your killing yourself by not taking action with your body. We can be there for you and help you through your pain, anger, and scared feelings...but we can't be there to watch you take your pills, or insulin. YOU have to do it..........and you have so many women who care about you and want you to succeed as much as you do. Go for it!! You can, and will do it....and if you need our help along the way....keep asking, don't be afraid......we won't judge you, most of us have been through it and know that its good to have people around who know what your going through. In the meantime, if you need me, pm me, or email me!!

Never give up on yourself Collette!! We won't!

cystermoon · 10-13-2002, 01:08 PM

I want to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. I have just suffered my third loss. I have been so self-absorbed I haven't been doing my moderator duties. I know how you feel. I was on glucaphage until I got pregnant then I was put on insulin. I did everything I could to insure that this pregnancy--one that I finally got after IVF--would be successful.

As soon as I discovered I was miscarrying I went off my diet and started to binge. I think it is normal. I stopped checing my sugar as religiously as I had when pregnant too. I got off the insulin as soon as the doctor told me I could. I went back on my pills but I still don't watch my diet as I should. I have been experiencing headaches on a daily basis, and I know it is partly due to the fact that I have stopped treating myself as diabetic. Right now food is my comfort zone. I have baked cookies--even though I am using fructose and soy flour, I have eaten chips, and I don't eat a lot of nutritional food like I once did. Right now I feel like, what's the point?

Although I haven't sunk into a deep depression of wanting to committ suicide, I feel as though I am doing it subtly by not taking care of myself. I think it is just part of the over all healing process. I'm not sure.

The point is, don't feel like you are alone in this. Have you posted your story in the Coping with Miscarriage forum? If not, you should. There are a lot more of us out there than you may think, suffering from diabetes and m/c's.

Collette · 10-15-2002, 08:40 AM

Thanks for all your support!

I phoned for an appointment...................29th January 2003!

I will try to make a conscious effort to start taking my meds again, you never know i may feel more positive when im on them, and be able to sort out my head.

I will take one day at a time, if i find im struggling, then i will go through my GP - abit more helpfull.

Thanks again!!