first BFP in 6 years of ttc, and m/c

one-hit_wonder · 10-09-2008, 12:06 PM

I'm sitting here, having a miscarriage.

I've been trying to conceive for over six years now, and have never had a confirmed BFP. I am 99% sure I had a chemical pregnancy once, around three years ago, but it was never confirmed.

I did my first IVF round last month, and got a positive home pregnancy test, which was followed by two days of utter joy, and then a very low beta (20) yesterday, at 14dp3dt. The nurse warned me not to get excited.

My symptoms were going away, I was spotting heavily, and cramping. Today, the cramping is gone, but I'm passing huge golfball-sized clots. So even though I prayed yesterday for a miracle, I know it's over.

Amid those six+ years of trying to conceive, unsuccessfully, was so much heartache over the struggle to get care. Part of the reason it has taken so long to try the first IVF round is because we've had to wait for treatments (we're in Canada, and the wait for infertility care is often terrible - I had to wait for a year for the first RE, and then another year for the next RE). Maybe if we had received more prompt and thorough care, something would have happened by now.

This was to be the end of the road for us in terms of TTC. But we found out at our embie transfer that DH's sperm are likely the culprit, and not anything to do with my body. It sounded as though his sperm have dropped to 0% morphology. Our embies had a hard time fertilizing, and most of them died. Now, we have one frozen embie left, so I guess we could try a FET, but what's the point? I don't believe that my m/c has anything to do with my uterus - I think that the embryo was abnormal, plus it implanted really, really late. I doubt that that frozen embie would make it out of freezing, let alone stay alive in my uterus, then.

If I were the one with the infertility issues, I think I could be at peace with having no children. I had reconciled myself to that. But now that we have discovered that DH's sperm are of such poor quality (and that I check out fine, even with the PCOS), I don't know if I can live with not having a child, when I know my body can handle it.

So then what? Ask the RE to send DH to a urologist, I suppose, although I don't know if anything could be done. We don't know why his motility and morphology have gotten so bad. And even if something is found, and corrected, can we go through IVF again? Where would we get the money from? Do I want to subject my body to that process again? (It was very painful for me.) Does DH have the emotional stamina to go through it a second time? And do I, for that matter? What if it doesn't work?

I'm feeling lost and dead. This was my last shot at motherhood, and we came so close. How am I going to live now?

Eirenay · 10-09-2008, 12:20 PM

One-hit, I posted in the clinic thread, but I'll post here as well. *hugs* If there is anything I can do let me know.

justagirlgirlgirl · 10-09-2008, 01:02 PM

(((one-hit))) Big hugs to you. I can only begin to imagine what you're going through right now. Unfortunately I don't even have any words to make it better - just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and I am in tears as I read this.

Is there someone you can talk to IRL? I know there are places near me that offer counseling and group support for women who have lost babies and struggled with infertility. At the very least, it would give you a safe place to talk and know that you're not alone.

Miracle07 · 10-09-2008, 01:16 PM

one hit- I am so sorry... words cannot express how sorry I am that you have been delt this card... Your hubby may have a vericele that can be corrected with surgery. Have you ever discussed having a sperm donor? I know that is a hard thing to discuss

AmyC · 10-09-2008, 01:17 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know excatly what you mean.
I spent 10 years thinking it was all my problem and after a while I was ok with it.
Then we got a surprise m/c in May. I never got to see a BFP, which in a way was much easier for me.
This is the only confirmed pregnancy for me ever.
I'm pretty sure it has happened one other time in 1996, but I was too scared to know, but after this I'm fairly sure.

Almost 5 cycles later, here I sit with the drs telling me I am fine my body is working properly the problem lies with DH. He has 1% morphology. Everything else was decent, but morphology is really bad.

We saw the urologist and he took 30 days of an antibiotic for a prostate infection.
I was so hopeful this would be the answer. It wasn't. The second s/a morphology is just as bad. 90 mil count though.
but 1% of 90 mil has very low chances, not that it couldnt happen, it did once, but the odds are just not in our favor.

They now have him on clomid for 3 months. Our next s/a is Dec 3.
I am scared to death. I know the morphology will not have improved.

I struggled with the guilt of never being able to give him a child. We've been together 10 years and it has weighed heavily on me. He has told me many times he was happy for it to be "just us" forever. Not that he wouldnt love a child, but he was happy either way.

I'm trying to be the same way with him. I don't know why I'm struggling so hard. He seemed to accept it when it was my problem, why I am having such a hard time when its turned around? I feel like the biggest hypocrite ever.

These last few months since we have found this out has been hard on our marriage.
And it's all my fault. He has been nothing but supportive and loving.
I don't want to do anything to lose him and I don't want to have any child that isn't his.

I think coming to terms with never having a child is killing me.
I did this 5 years ago and now I have to do it all over again.

It has been one big struggle after the next. We get so close, only to have another problem thrown at us. Part of me wants to give up and accept that it was never meant for us, but knowing that my body could do it, is killing me.

If you need to talk, I am here.

rynngo · 10-09-2008, 02:50 PM

One hit - I'm so sorry. I had a m/c in Jan 2002 and did the same thing, passed large golfball size clots for 2 days. I felt like such a failure and like I disappointed my DH. My mom even tried to "help" by describing her own (unconfirmed) m/c that it was similar to cracking open an egg, "kerplop!" and would feel about that size. For me, that was exactly what it was like only about 10 times a day. I didn't think there could be so much from something so little. (of course, I believe new parents usually say that when they change their first few diapers - sorry, I just need to make people smile, its in my nature)

That was before I was diagnosed with PCOS. I learned so much that weekend of my m/c, through the internet, looking for what I did wrong. I learned that NOTHING I DID was my fault, nor did you do anything wrong. Chromosomes play a very important role in creating life and if only one is off, the rest can't happen. You will never know why that bean didn't stick. But the Big Guy knows why He is putting you through this. Maybe your next IVF will give you triplets (not to jinx you).

Before my pregnancy, I was never pregnant before and I had a few chances to be. Looking back, I'm really glad I didn't get pregnant for so many different reasons. But I wasn't sure I could GET pregnant. But I did, and I take comfort in the fact that I CAN get pregnant. I know God wouldn't put me through more than I can handle and there is a reason for what he did, which I may never know. I believe he didn't want me to go through what I saw others around me going through - bad marriages, made worse by adding kids, then divorce, etc.

I would definitely look to a urologist and try the clomid for your DH. I would try to help him along with diet, etc, just like you try for yourself. There are just as many ways to help your DH as there are for you. Don't give up. You read about men who are clinically "sterile" but have a surgery to remove a small portion of testicular tissue and the drs find one or two sperm that they use for IVF that work. And with all the advances we've made in just the last 10 years in the medical community, there is always hope.

If you want to talk or (God forbid) need a laugh, PM me and I'll do my best.

Linaa78 · 10-09-2008, 05:12 PM

One hit, I am so sorry hun. I tried for 10 years before I got that wonderful BFP only to m/c shortly after as well. I know it's hard. I know you feel alone. Just remember there are lots of lady here to help you in this hard hard emotional time.

(((((((((hugss)))))))))))

joshuasmommy28 · 10-09-2008, 09:46 PM

I feel your pain.........I had a D&C last week and am still riding the emotional roller coaster at high speeds. I have experienced 3 total losses. 2 in the past 4 months alone. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to see where my DH and I go from here. Losing a baby that you want more than anything in the world is the hardest pain to bear, plus everywhere you turn there is a pregnant woman and all I can ask myself is, why? Please know that you are not alone during this difficult time and can always turn to us for some support.
God has a plan for all of us and even though I am trying to keep my head above water, I am hoping that the answers we are all seeking to find will bless us in more ways than we ever imagined!

SheriKCMO · 10-09-2008, 11:04 PM

Many (((Hugs))) coming your way!! I'm so sorry for your loss.

AnotherDreamer · 10-09-2008, 11:15 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. Words can not describe.

I hope you can figure these things out with your husband, and be able to move forward. But for now, take it one day at a time.

gothgrrl81 · 10-10-2008, 06:06 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

hela · 10-10-2008, 09:26 AM

Onehit I'm so very sorry

love you sweetie xxx

Dee67 · 10-10-2008, 12:10 PM

Doggone, I'm very sorry!! *hugs*

Pebbles74 · 10-10-2008, 06:02 PM

one-hit- ((hugs)) sorry for your loss.

MOM2APRINCE · 10-11-2008, 12:05 AM

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you peace and healing.