I just wanted to share my story. Sorry if it's LONG... I think it helps me just to talk about it and process.
I'm 35... and got my very first BFP in late August and it was a huge surprise. Hubby and I have been married for 14 years and I've been off birth control for about 11 of those years. We tried three rounds of clomid about 7 years ago... and when that didn't work... IUI and in-vitro were suggested. We both never felt comfortable taking those steps. So we just left it up to God and moved on and we were really at a peace about it. We had lots of fun together as a couple going on trips... and loving our little fur-baby. (Dog - Bichon - 12 years old - Spoiled rotten!)
So the fact that I was able to get pregnant at ALL was a huge surprise and a total blessing. Everything seemed to be going beautifully... we heard a strong heartbeat at 6w3d and the doctor was very encouraging.... saying that 90% of the time when you get a strong heartbeat that early... that everything would be fine.
I had another checkup Friday at 9w3d and there was no heartbeat. We were so shocked and so sad. I'm so thankful hubby was there with me... as I can't imagine having the strength to drive home and tell him the news.
We had a D&C scheduled for Tuesday and had the weekend to process and mope and wallow and grieve. I was actually mortified of having the miscarriage start at home... I was terrified of seeing it... but thankfully... no bleeding at all happened.
The D&C went pretty well on Tuesday... except for the fact they had to try FOUR times to get the stupid IV started. I swear... I look like a freaking heroin addict!!! I had some pretty bad cramping that night... but I think it was because of the pitocin drip at the hospital and the medicine the doctor had me on at home... something to make me cramp and help stop the bleeding. Yesterday there was not much cramping at all and the blood loss was very light. But I stayed home from work just to mope and wallow a little bit longer.
Today I'm back at work... and it feels good to start normal life activities again. I'm just trying to trust that God's plan will prevail... and if it's meant to happen again... it will. Just the fact that I actually GOT pregnant without even trying is encouraging... so we are hopeful that it can happen again, but I'm really fighting the urge to become the TTC obsessed person I was years ago. Hubby and I were at peace and happy before this pregnancy happened... and I hope we can be happy and at peace about it again soon. I have faith that we will.
My biggest regret is telling our family and close friends. I know that many people appreciate the support they get but for me it made things SO much worse. The only person I wanted comfort from was hubby. Everyone else just seemed like a burden. My mom was so great and brought me flowers and came over and cooked dinner... but she was so sad herself... it only made me feel worse. She wasn't trying to make me feel bad... but just seeing her hurt.
Thankfully we didn't tell everyone at work and church... as I can't imagine how bad that would be. I know everyone tries to be sensitive and nice... but I swear... "The Look" of sympathy they give you is like the kiss of death for me! I HATE it!!! So if we are blessed with another pregnancy again... I don't think I'm telling ANYONE but hubby until I'm WELL into the second trimester or I just start showing and I have to tell.
Thanks for listening! Sorry to ramble so long!
__________________ ~Gretchen~
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. ~Psalm 139:16
Gretchen I was thinking about you and glad I looked on here and seen you posted. I am glad the procedure went well. I know how you feel. My last m/c I told everyone!!! I was so excited that I couldn't help myself. You really don't think after hearing the h/b that something would happen. I didn't, at least. It was so awful to know that everyone I told I was pregnant I would eventually have to tell them I lost it. But then I thought of this...how was I to know it would end that way? I didn't know that and for a moment when I finally got pregnant I felt like a "normal" woman who was pregnant and didn't think twice before blabbing to everyone that we were finally pregnant. Luckily word traveled fast and most people never spoke of the loss which helped. I also got myself into counseling for a few months after the loss just to keep my head on straight. Talking to a complete stranger helped a lot.
I am glad that you are back to work today and trying to regain normalcy. I made a memory box for my angel and put the u/s pics and anything that I got in regards to that pregnancy in the box. I decorated the box and put it in my nightstand. I also ordered a really beautiful cross that has a poem on it and I hung it on the wall in my bedroom. I will never forget what I went through and knowing that I sort of memorialized the baby made me feel better.
I am praying for you and hope you find the strength to move forward and not to give up.
All I can say is *hugs* and I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I was blessed and cursed in so many ways with our Christopher. I had told hubby I didn't want to share the news till I hit the second trimester, and he said he wouldn't be able to not share it, so we did. It wasn't until I hit the 20th week that I finally believed I'd keep our baby - and dared to write how many weeks left on calendars.
When we lost Christopher at 22 weeks it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and still is. It was good that people knew why we were hurting so much, because people say I'm still 'changed' - at the same time I hated the things well meaning people were saying to me. "At least you found out you could get pregnant" "At least you didn't get to know the baby and love them" "There's always another baby" still hurt to read, hear, or say.
At the same time we had people praying for us, and still do, and I only fear that it's that prayer that has given me the strength to make it this far.
The other reason I am glad that people know is that our Christopher was loved, and has changed people's lives, and he will be remembered. My biggest fear is that our Chris is forgotten. I know he never will be now.
The best advice that I can give, and I'm hoping I can follow myself, is to remember if we are lucky to conceive again to love that baby like you've never lost another. I know how I am, and how I was so afraid the first trimester with our Christopher that I didn't want to love him, because I was afraid to lose him. I am so glad I finally allowed my heart to fall in love with him. I hope and pray that I don't keep my heart from our next child out of fear of losing them too. Losing our Chris hurts every second, but I know that through God's grace I will see him again and finally know what color his eyes are.
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~Christopher Allen Doern~ Born July 4, 2009 @22 weeks to incompetent cervix.
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"The true measure of a life and love is not how long the flame burns here on Earth, it's how strong it burns in the heart. - Tammy Doern
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*Hugs* Sorry you have to go through this.
I know what you are going through. I have been ttc for five years.
I was on clomid in 10/08, found out I had a cyst and was put on bc for 11/08 and12/08. To our surprise I was pregnant in 01/14/09. The happiest day of my life. I told everyone. I mean everyone. (I dialed the wrong number and I told the person on the line. Oh I am sorry I dialed the wrong number, but hey I am pregnant. LOL)
First u/s went really good. Second u/s no heartbeat. On 03/01/09 I had my dnc done. I was devastated so much so that I completely stop trying. (for about 6 months).
Everyone kept telling me if it’s meant to be it will, aaww I could not stand to hear people. Even though they were trying to help, it really wasn’t. Dh was their for me the best way he knew how, but a part of me just though I let him down. Only time healed my heart. Even as I am writing this I am crying.
We are now ttc this month. I don’t know if I will ever get my wish, but I do know that I will try anything to make it happen.
I wish you the best of luck and big big hugs. Just remember You are not alone. WE are here for you.
First Miscarraige and D&C... My story (LONG) 
