Foster to Adopt

Queen_Pug · 01-10-2008, 03:43 PM

I am just really wanting some stories from some ladies who have fostered to adopt. Good or Bad. I am about to turn in my application to a private agency and get the Pride classes going. I am asking for a boy or girl ages 0-2 in hopes of adopting them. I have everything lined up but want to know as much as possible so I am not suprized when it hits me. If you have anything to comment please do....I would appreciate it so much!!!!

Oh and I live in Houston Texas.

THANKS!

anang · 01-10-2008, 05:08 PM

We did straight adoption from foster care so no foster to adopt stories but good luck.

you could check out

http://adoptiveparentsnetwork.com/ma..._smf&Itemid=79

ChristineLynn2005 · 01-10-2008, 08:54 PM

My ex-husband and I did our county's foster to adopt program in 2003-2005. We were not able to keep the children (2 brothers 5mos & 4ys when they came into our home) We had them for over 18 months. We were lied to about thier parent's history and told by the intake workers that the case would begin as a permanent case (parents not involved and would not get the childrenn back) and move quickly to adoption. As it turned out the case was never going to be permanent and the children went back to their father and a mentally ill mother. The father separated from the mother, played the game, got a good attorney and intimitated the system. The parents are still together and have the boys. This was their 4th case with our local CSB system. Their two older children were taken from them before their younger boys were born. So, what should you do? BE CAREFUL! Letting those boys go back was the hardest thing I have ever done. The only good thing that came of it was that I saw what a terrible parent my ex was/would be and it helped me make some hard decisions that have turned out to make my life so much better. Make sure you ask the hard questions of the intake worker. Remember that the intake worker's job is to get those children placed as soon as possible. Ask to speak to the case worker and get the full scoop. Ask the case worker what their opinion is about the parent. While I have heard other cases that go well, most do not. I live in Ohio and this state is all about the parents. I fought the system, case workers and lawyers alot. I had to be the children's advocates for everything. I took them to counseling sessions weekly. They had visits twice a week with their parents. While I never would trade the time I had with my boys it was emotionally very very difficult. If you don't give it 100% you aren't doing what is best for the kids, but this is really hard when you know you may loose them. I wish you and your dh the best of luck, just please be sure that you will be able to handle giving them up if the parents get their act together.

sazzifrazz · 01-10-2008, 10:31 PM

ive had my foster son for 4 yrs and no longer plan to adopt him. long story.
anyways, i wouldn't trust the system at all! the parenst definately have more rights than kids. the social workers will do and say anything to get these kids placed into a home. i would love to do foster to adopt with a newborn but im scared ****less of having the baby given back to the parents. i can't imagine how heartbreaking that would be.

Queen_Pug · 01-11-2008, 04:19 PM

Thanks Ladies for replying. I know its a hard long process. I know people get lucky too. But It's worth a shot and I guess I just have to keep my head up and hope that I actully have a good chance living near Houston. If anyone has anything else to add I would appreciate it all the same.

Thanks Again.

Murphy711 · 01-11-2008, 05:18 PM

Heather ~ Hi! How have you been? It is good to see you here.

Our closest friends are currently pursuing a fostering to adopt situation and so far have had a very positive experience. They said the classes really helped them understand the system, and in our county if the child does go back to the birth parents, there is an open door policy between the foster parents and the birth parents so it is not a case of never seeing or hearing from the child again.

Good luck!

Queen_Pug · 01-11-2008, 06:28 PM

Hey Suzanne!! Good to hear from you! Looks like your far along these days in your pregnancy! Glad to see that!

Thanks so much for the positive comment! FINALLY! lol

HOLLAND · 01-11-2008, 07:03 PM

I just wanted to say that i'm happy that you are willing to give it a try. I don't know anything about adoption but we may be visiting that option soon. I hope you find that little special someone

ChristineLynn2005 · 01-11-2008, 10:02 PM

I hope my story didn't seem too negative, but I just wanted to give you both sides of the story. I also wanted to share that I don't get to see the children we fostered anymore. At first we did (CSB was still involved with the dad at that time) but after a time, the parents stopped allowing us to see the boys. On top of that it was getting increasingly difficult for the youngest (at the time he went back he was 24 mos) to understand what was going on. He was getting very angry and unsettled when he would come home from my house. So we decided it was best I didn't see him. That was the hardest decision I ever made. So yes, there is supposed to be an "open door" policy on visitation afterward, but it doesn't always work out that way.

Yes I did have a very negative experience, but as long as you know the risks going in, it is a very rewarding thing to do and a great way to build an instant family and do something great for your fostered/adopted child. I think I would still go that route if my current fertility issues persist, but probably with a private foster care agency and not with a county.

Good luck to you and God bless. You are truly doing a wonderful thing!

sjp · 01-17-2008, 05:39 PM

We fostered to adopt and have a beautiful little girl and a handsome little boy whom we've adopted.

Our daughter came to live with us at 4 1/2 months old and she was adopted 1 week after her first birthday. She just turned 5.

Our son came to live with us at 2 months old and he was adopted at 18 months old. He's 3 1/2 now.

Was it easy? No way, but barely anything worth having comes easy!

Our daughter's birth parents voluntarily relinquished their rights after she was with us 6 months.

With our son's case, we went through the entire involuntary termination of parental rights trial. That was hard.

You just have to prepare yourself incase they don't end up staying forever.

Btrflybeetle · 01-18-2008, 03:36 AM

Hi Heather! Fostering to adopt...I can't say that I have experience there, but my husband and I have both gone through all the classes and now that we are educated on fostering to adopt, we have a different feeling about it and most importantly, we know what questions to ask the agencies. We live in Southlake, TX (near Dallas) and we were actually turned down by the agency we chose.
If you are curious, I'd be happy to share the information I know. We were looking to adopt an older child that was special needs (hearing impaired). We were open to foster to adopt before going through all of the PRIDE classes, but did not know what that entailed. People all around us told us questions to ask agencies...we didn't care and now we feel we really should have listened. If one agency denies you, it is REALLY hard to repair that in the future. The best thing is to find the agency that is right for you and your family. What they don't tell you is that they are looking to make their agency look good. No matter what they tell you, they are in it for two things...the children's best interest and first and foremost, how the agency's ratings and numbers look to CPS and to future adoptive families. If your family doesn't look squeeky clean, the agencies may deny you..if they think that you are the least bit questionable, they won't approve you for adoption. CPS handles these kids..even with agencies...and CPS likes stay at home moms...if both parents work full time, they are likely to look at you in a negative manner. In addition, if you were adopted or come from any sort of abusive situation in the past, they are also likely to view you negatively. It is not fair...it sucks...but that is just the way it is.
We know now to ask things (in particular) about us. For instance, I grew up in an abusive situation...I know, now, to ask how many adoption placements the agency has made to families in my situation. I also know to ask how many special needs placements they have made. I think the other thing we learned is that this process can not be rushed...that you should take your time and get the facts..even if you are excited and feel ready to adopt....there is SO MUCH to learn and know before moving forward...ESPECIALLY with foster to adopt. There are a TON of rules and a TON of paperwork with fostering to adopt...we decided not to opt for this due to both of us having full time jobs and fostering is a full time job in itself. They REALLY tried to scare people in training. They brought up very personal, touchy subjects and it was difficult because they notate everything about you...the things that appear to make you uncomfortable in class, the things you openly are upfront and honest about. The biggest reason we decided not to go through with fostering to adopt, is that once the child was in our home, it would be too difficult to let them go. They told us that parents do try to get their rights back..but if they do, the children are very likely to show back up with CPS. They also told us that when CPS picks up these children, there is no information on them...none at all. They send out mass emails telling the physical description and age of the child and religion, if available to them and the foster parents reply as quickly as they can if they are interested in fostering that child. You have no idea what behaviors you might encounter or problems that there might be. (This might not be as big of a deal with a younger child..but we were looking at older children, so we were not ok with this). In addition, there was the concern that we would be raising that child and then, over the next year and a half, the biological parent might take the child back or CPS might find an adequate relative for them to move in with. At that point, you have to let the child go. I've talked to people who have had it work out the first time..where they got to adopt the first child they had stay with them. I've also talked to a few people that have gone through 1-4 foster children before given the opportunity to adopt. We were afraid that we would not be able and willing to work with the biological parents (due to our concern for the child) and we were afraid of having to let go of children. Up until adoption, the children are usually able to see their parents and that is also hard. You have no say so about visitation. If it is arranged, the child has to be there.
Anyway, we went through Pathways (because they were agency of the year last year) and it was a huge mistake. They were too interested in their agency numbers and adoption numbers that they were not willing to take a chance on us. Now, since they denied us, we are having to wait another 2 years before we can transfer an agency, and even if we transfer, it will be even more difficult for us to adopt now. I would not trust any agencies. I spoke with the Hope Cottage here in Dallas and they were horribly rude once they heard we wanted to adopt special needs. Hope Cottage is only interested in adoptions that will make them money. The Gladney Center was the same way....not willing to help and were extremely rude. Pathways was nice to our face but was more interested in ratings and reflection on themselves. The Arrow Project was amazing to us! The gentleman we spoke with went out of his way to help us as much as he could. We did not qualify to go with that agency at the time, as we were not active church members. However, next time...we will be using them. They were awesome! Honestly, we felt we should have gone through CPS in stead of an agency. We should have taken our time rather than tried to get certified quickly and we should have not trusted them with any personal information...be careful what you tell them!!!! Don't be as open as you'd like...because it is not a popularity contest and it doesn't matter if they like you or not..if you say anything at all within question, they will deny you for foster to adopt.
We viewed it very differently after being educated through the classes...we hope to adopt one day...but it will be a while, now. I wish you luck...just be careful what agency you choose!
The thing that killed me was..the reason we were given for denial was ridiculous and when we had previously gone to the CPS informational meeting, there was this horrible looking woman who raised her hand and asked the lady from CPS when they were going to come pick up the three children she had been fostering. She had carpooled and it seemed, didn't have a car..and she complained about having the three kids for over 8 months. I was dumbfounded! How could we be denied and this lady be approved? Something was wrong...and something is wrong with the system...just know that going in...know that things are very unfair...and if there are any issues you have ever had, don't tell them...they expect you to be squeeky clean!! And if you have a lot of money, even better, in there eyes. The people that had a lot of money and children already were certified the fastest.
I hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck!

MommaKing · 01-19-2008, 10:58 AM

I did a foster to adopt with my son before I even knew about my infertility. I wanted to become a foster mother a few years ago and at the time I had no intentions of adopting but then here comes this beautiful toddler who looked so much like me and I was instantly in love. He came to me at age 2 and was officially adopted about 18 months later after the parental rights termination was complete.

Please bear in mind that you don't know the background of the biological parents or what they did during their pregnancy and no matter what the agency tells you, they REALLY don't truly know either. About a year after I took my little boy in, I noticed that something wasn't right. I voiced my concerns, but everyone (especially the social workers) said, "Oh, that's normal. All kids do that." I wasn't convinced. Right before he turned 5 he was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and ADHD. Apparently, his biological mother couldn't kick her drug and alcohol habit during pregnancy. Now he has quite a bit of behavior problems, and is emotionally disconnected from our family. He loves me, but hasn't bonded with my family and that really hurts. So now I'm trying to deal with being a single mother (which is why I never planned on adopting in the first place) of a child who's probably going to have difficulties for the rest of his life. He frustrates me to no end at times but I still love him with all my heart. One thing is for sure, periodic respite is a life saver!

sazzifrazz · 01-19-2008, 10:42 PM

i agree, respiet can be key! my foster son also has severe special needs as well as reactive attachment disorder (will not be able to bond with anyone). its so hard to give give give amd get nothing in return. seriously my dog has more attachement to me. its sad to know that he will never feel a true conection with anyone

arangia · 01-20-2008, 05:56 PM

my husband and i were certified as foster parents in october of '07 and were told by our foster agency that anyone who does foster care long enough can expect to adopt eventually but we shouldn't expect to do so with the first couple kids or possibly the first couple years.

initially we weren't really attached to either outcome. we knew we wanted to adopt someday after finding out that it was not only me, but my husband as well with fertility issues; but our hearts were prepared for foster kids with a reunification outcome as well.

We were called within 2 weeks of being certified about 2 kids, girl "C" 4, boy "J" 3, who were a potential permanent placement. They also had a new born sister "C2" (who happened to be born on her sister's birthday), her mom was pretty much hiding from social services and we were told that when she was found we would probably be asked to take the baby in too. we accepted and in less than a week of the older two being in our home we were served with the court papers that their parents rights' termination was set (just for the older two at that time). we were shocked.

even more of a shock was when we got the call that they found the baby, a very healthy girl who was 2 months to the day, the day she moved in.

the termination hearing for the older 2 is set for next month and as of now, the mom has missed the past 8 visits and we have started the adoption process. we are amazed at what has happened and how fast (the kids moved in november 6, their sister december 6). The baby has a hearing at the end of this month and the social worker is going to ask the court not to grant a reunification plan and just move to terminate (considering the mother has missed the past 8 visits, and we're moving forward to adopt her siblings and want to adopt her, this is very likely to happen).

we love them all and couldn't feel more blessed.

on a side note, my husband and i both feel like we were presented with factual information and were in no way mislead about this process, how our agency works, or about our kids. we all know that "everybody lies", especially people who are having their kids taken from them. you're not going to have absolute facts about your potential kids EVER. of course the mom is embarrassed, ashamed and insulted that someone would ask her about her pre-natal care and personal lifestyle and she'll lie to protect herself. our experience has been that the agency, and the social workers from the county we have worked with have always given us as much information as they have (court documents, medical records etc.) if any information has been faulty it has been on the bio-parents' part, NOT the "system".

we live in Orange County california which also bends over backwards to keep kids with families and is notorious for dragging out reunification plans. but as is obvious from our case, sometimes they see what is best for the kids. "C" and "J" had only been in the system a year, a 10 month placement with extended family (which is what the county prefers) and then a 2 month placement in an emergency shelter home before they came to us. (they had a 6 month plan, one continuation and then the social worker filed to terminate) they are trying to wrap this up as soon as possible because they want these kids to have as much of a normal life as possible, as SOON as possible.

if anyone has more questions i'd be happy to answer them, sorry this is so long. i just wanted people to know that there are some GOOD experiences to be had out there too.

best of luck to all of you and God bless you,

Ash, 0-60 in a flash

ProudPCOMom · 01-21-2008, 01:05 PM

We were licensed last April, we hoped to be able to adopt 1 or 2 little ones 0-5 within about 2 years. We hoped we wouldn't have more than 10 kids come through before we got to keep at least one. We have a wonderful agency - would definately recommend to anyone in the DFW area.

Our first little one (10 mo) came 3 days after being licensed - he's still here with TPR trial next month. Six weeks later our second little one arrived (24 mo), her bio-Mom voluntarily terminated her rights last November - we're waiting for all paperwork to be brought to court (bio-Dad will be terminated at that time too) so we can begin her adoption.

I agree with Arangia, I don't feel we were ever lied to by the workers. All have been really easy to get along with - although sometimes hard to get ahold of via phone. I do agree that the bio-parents will lie to make themselves 'look better' - I've had that experience myself.

I'd say our experience has been wonderful and much easier/quicker than we expected, we're just getting tired of the revolving door of people (various workers, ECI, CASA etc) coming through and all of the paperwork. We're looking forward to both cases being over so we can close our home.