foster to adopt?!

sazzifrazz · 04-30-2008, 06:09 PM

well, this past IVf was a negative, and i think i just need to close that chapter of my life...i think. we are certified foster parents. we have had jason for over 4 years. he is 16 and special needs. the goal is not adoption, just long term substitute care. we are now considering doing foster in the hopes to adopt a newborn. i know its risky. We don't want to have to pay $30,000 to adopt from an agency. does anyone know how long a placement of a newborn takes? we are already licensed and up to date on everything. can anyone share any good or bad stories?

HOLLAND · 04-30-2008, 07:00 PM

No experience on adoption here but wanted to say sorry about your IVF

jordon23 · 05-01-2008, 04:50 PM

Well, I hope you have better luck than we have. Our first placement we were told we would most likely be able to adopt. He was 4 months old, and 6 weeks later out of nowhere he was reunited with his heroine addicted parents. We were totally devistated. Until literally 5 minutes before the MDT we were still being told rights would be terminated.

Right before it started we got a call and we were told that they would be discussing his reunification. We were stunned, and not only did they discuss it, 2 days later he was gone. Nothing stunned me more when the DHHR just kept raving about his parents being off heroine for "three entire weeks". They had gotten treatment but they had also obtained a legal heroine substitute (to wean them off heroine). They are still babies, how could they have a SEVERE drug problem at that age?? One also has severe medical (heart) problem due to overdosing. They are so unhealthy that I don't even know how parenting is possible. They could barly walk into the meeting, and the father couldn't even sign the attendance sheet.

We are now on our second placement. We were called right before we lost our first placement about a newborn. She was 6 days old. The agency said they knew we wanted a boy but they just knew that this little girl would be adopted, and they wanted us to have first option. We were really excited, but we asked several questions first. We were told that they relinquished rights and she would be ours. Well, Monday of this week, after her being with us for 3 months, they called and told us that the wonderful WV DHHR was trying to move her to another state. She has 3 siblings in different states that have all been adopted by different families. So most likely she will be placed with total strangers in another state. We are devistated, and we really feel like we were lied to straight faced.

I am not sure I would EVER have anything else to do with foster care again. I also don't think I would wish the devistation we have suffered on our worst enemy. Much less somebody that has struggled to have a family as much as we have. No amount of money is worth going through the loss we feel. Honestly they couldn't offer me $100,000 up front and get me to do it again. The $40,000 that it would cost for a private agency looks great compared to thinking of loosing another baby we have grown to love.

I know not all experiences are like ours, but we have really been taken advantage of. We feel like that our state will tell you ANYTHING they think you want to hear to get a placement, and then they still tell you that even when they know what is happening. It's sad for these kids, and it is sad that they don't have enough foster parents to place these children. But honestly at this point I have no sympathy. They have created a cold generation of children, case workers, and foster parents because of the way they treat people. They say they are doing "what is best for the child", I guess that applied when our first foter son was kicked out of care on his 18th birthday, and was totally homeless. We took him or he would have been living in the street, but that is another story.... O.K rant over, hopefully some of the info helped you..

sazzifrazz · 05-01-2008, 11:30 PM

wow, im sorry you have been through such hell. I don't blame you for being totally turned off!

amlp311 · 05-02-2008, 02:14 PM

Let me throw my two cents. I live in PA and our county REALLY is good to their foster parents. The child only goes before the court every six months and they do not pull the child before the court date so we know in advance (after an initial 10-30 day placement) whether or not the child will stay for 6 more months or go back to the biological parents.

We have our own caseworker and our foster son has his own. While both are looking out for the welfare of the child, our caseworker is also looking out for our welfare and sanity, LOL!

We are a "foster-to-adopt" family. Our foster son is 4 months old and we have had him since he was 3 days old. I picked him up at the hospital. He is one of seven children and the county already had the other 6 in care so they knew that he would need care as well. The day we brought him home they were trying to place 5 newborns.

Something to know, back in the Clinton era there was a federal law passed that said after 15 months children needed to be heading home or up for adoption so they do not languish forever in the system (unless they are eligible for a long term placement). My dad was in the system for 8 years and he said life with his foster parents was the best thing that ever happened to him, so just remember, no matter what happens, you ARE positively influencing a child no matter how long they stay. And fortunately here in my county the kids can stay in the system until 21 as long as they were in care before 18, so they do not bet the boot on their 18th birthday.

Something that was recommended to me by several people in various counties and states is to be a foster parent through the county in which you live if possible (vs. an outside agency). The county uses their foster parents to place the children first and then they will contact he agencies if they cannot place the child. So the county foster parents get the "first pick", if you will.

Fostering can be heartbreaking, but can also such a rewarding experience. I know that there are horror stories and case workers who are not that forthright, but I would like to think that is not the norm.

Praying for you both!
Angel

sazzifrazz · 05-02-2008, 04:35 PM

thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a good chance of a happy ending. How often does your son visit his bio parents? do you stay, or drop him off?

amlp311 · 05-04-2008, 05:22 PM

Hi Sazzifrazz!

We take the baby for his visits once a week at the courthouse with a court appointed monitor and we have to drop him off. That is the part I hate, since it is getting tougher and tougher for me to part with him for that time. I make up for it with lots of cuddles later!

sazzifrazz · 05-04-2008, 10:23 PM

i had a foster baby in my care for about 10 days. we knew it would be short term so i didn't allow myself to get attached. I sent him on one visit with his social worker supervizing. I was so scared the mom would mess up feeding him. He had to have formula and rice added to his bottle, and shaken like crazy to mix it all. i was afraid she wouldn't add both, or not shake it enough. when he came home i was pissed he had only eaten half the bottle. she obviously didn't spend much time trying to get him to eat. i can't imagine how upsetting it would be to send a baby i was attached to.

Erin H · 05-06-2008, 05:07 PM

I have been thinking about fostering to adopt as well. DH and I started talking about it when I had a nervous break down and the 25,000 it will cost us to adopt! Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

jordon23 · 05-08-2008, 11:39 AM

Good luck to everybody that is trying to adopt. I guess our opinion is if you have NO OTHER way to adopt due to financial issues, foster/adopt is an option. However, due to our experiences no amount of money is worth the heart break we have had to face. Other states might be different, but that is not the case here (West Virginia). We will be selling pretty much everything we own to be able to afford it, but it is worth it to not have to give up another baby. Our system is really horrible, and we have tried our best. Emotionally it is just too hard on us to give up a baby that we are attached to. Especially when we were told that if we took the placement we would be able to adopt. If you live in a state that is organized/honest, and they are up front with you, it would be a great thing, but we are not that lucky. I know that adopting from an agency will pretty much cost us everything we have and then some but its a sacrifice I am willing to make to avoid facing another devistating situation.

pammysue · 05-12-2008, 12:07 AM

We have been fostering two little boys for 33 months now...and it is an emotional rollercoaster. Fostering, while rewarding is emotionally draining, especially in our fertility situations. That being said, I would not trade it for anything. We are currently in TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) hearings and awaiting state decision. It took us 22 months to get the the state to move to terminate in our case, but it happened.

If you decide to foster, be an active part of the process. I actually am able to supervise and attend visits, and try to mentor the parent as well.

Good luck to you; I wish you all the best!

Pam

Taulbania · 05-14-2008, 02:49 AM

We became foster parents in June of 2004. In December, we took our license to a neighboring county (as we were not having very good succes with our own). February 8, 2005 we brought home our amazing son who was 1 week old. 19 months later, we got a call that he had a bio brother that mom wanted placed with us, so we went and picked up our DS's 1 month old brother. We finalized last summer on him. We have had very smooth processes all the way thru. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to pm me! Good luck in your journey!

Queen_Pug · 05-15-2008, 03:29 PM

All of your stories are so insightful. I am honestly learning so much the more I read about peoples experiences. I know there are non alike but it lets me know anything can happen. I just hope it goes smoothly for us. Infertility has been so hard I would like to put it past us and think that adoption will be alot better. I spoke with the Recruiter today over the Home Study division and we are being assigned to a case worker today who lives right next to the town I am in. She should be giving me a call tomorrow. We also discussed possible straight adoption and legal risk which she explained is bassically TPR but in some type of limbo because they are not yet processed to be straight adopted. She said to go and stick with foster to adopt for home study so we can do legal risk for the possibility of getting younger children. She was saying how, and we live right outside of Houston Texas, some CC moms will put that dads, who are missing mind you, are AA to get the minority benefits and the kids will have red hair and blue eyes but they cannot put them with people who select anglo families only, she was commending us for open race and said CPS selects race based on family file and whats best for child and family. I thought that was nice. We live in a CC community and I don't want to give a child a complex not having anyone to relate to, although I am and will always be all for any races, it is not always best for the child.

krisskross · 05-20-2008, 10:08 PM

We are licensed to adopt foster parents as well. As our second placement we had a newborn baby boy. His mom was majorly addicted to cocaine. She completely turned her life around though. He was with us for 4 months and went home. When they first called us with the baby though they said that it would be an adoption b/c the mom didn't even know that she was pregnant and she did not want him. That all changed though. She still brings him by for visits and we visit the place that she waitress'. So we still see him and know that he is okay.

In our county we are listed as the first home that they call though when our home is not filled to the max. We orginally told them that we only wanted 3. They called a while ago and said that they had a baby and wanted to license us for more. So it is good to know that the ladies at the county are in our corner.