foster mommies: how do you let go?

Sherri75 · 04-22-2006, 02:07 AM

Despite reassurement from our first caseworker, it now looks like we'll be losing DFD to her family. I know that is the ultimate goal and we should be happy that she can back to her family, but this is going to be so hard. We honestly thought we had a good chance of getting to adopt this child.

Unfortunately, the hearing paperwork came today and it's not looking good for us. The only goal now is reunification despite the fact that the bm is now scheduled to go to jail for at least 9 months starting this summer. Apparently the plan is to let the husband (not DFD's BD) raise all 3 (DFD, older child, and new baby on the way) children and they'll probably provide support services. I'm afraid we're looking at losing DFD some time this summer.

I'm really bummed at this. The timing sucks since it was a year ago today that I had my d&c. I'm trying to prepare myself for what appears to be the inevitable. We're thinking of opening ourselves to more foster children once school is over at the end of May. I think it would be easier for me to let DFD go (although it will never be easy, I'll still mourn her "loss") if we have other children living with us. Anyways, I'm still very upset over this. It's so hard to read all of the information in the paperwork knowing that we'll probably lose her. The paperwork does make it sound like they're doing everything they're supposed to. I just pray they are and that this is the best situation for A and the other children involved.

DFD was our first placement and we've had her for almost 8 months now. We always knew that it was a possibility that she'd go back to the BM, but really didn't expect it I guess. I just don't know what to think anymore. How will we help her make the move back to them? Will they even gradually reintroduce her or will they just take her away? I can't imagine how this is going to go. If you're a foster parent and have been through this, please share your experiences. Thank you.

samstars · 04-22-2006, 04:39 AM

Oh hun I am sorry. It is very, very hard. You will mourn and probably think about her everyday for a very long time. In my opinion that just shows that you are a good foster mom. We are here to love them and take care of them when their families can't. I don't care what the caseworkers say you do love them as if they are your own. Cry, mourn and love. You have given her what she has needed for the last few months. The last two placements we had, we were told when placed that it was a really, really good possibility they could become ours, but when the bm figured out she really might lose them she changed her ways. She fought back at us and started trouble for us and the kids, in an attempt to make us look bad. She got them back and I pray for those sweet babies every day. We still have pictures that are still hard to look at but it does help to look at the first ones and how great they looked when they left.

We have settled on the fact that for the time they were here we made a difference and that is what it is all about. We now have our son who any day now will be ours officially. I believe God put all of our babies with us to help us prepare for this 11 yr old child. And God knows what is in store, we pray for at least one more maybe two. Keep the faith and if you need a shoulder just let me know.

Stacy

Adoption Momma · 04-22-2006, 07:17 AM

Our first placement was a sibling group of 4 teenagers. At one point, we were given the impression the BM wasn't following the program and they might be available for adoption. The BM started causing conflict and ultimately they went to live with her.

They were with us for 5 months. It's been 3 years and I still think about them all of the time. I know 2 of the 3 girls got pregnant within 3 months of moving out. The only boy is a senior this year. He works at a fast food restaurant. He told us he plans to join the Navy when he graduates in May.

I feel God put them in our lives so they could know of one place they were safe and loved. I can't change what happened but I can pray for them and hope one day they will understand the importance of living a responsible life.

sadlerfan · 04-24-2006, 02:37 AM

Sherri I don't what to say -- Sending lots of (((((HUGS))))) your way!

Mindijean · 04-24-2006, 02:45 AM

We had an almost identical situation w/ our first placement. He came to us at 6 months and our first caseworker had us convinced that he'd be ours forever. It was heartbreaking to see him and his new sister leave us 6 months later.

We've since taken in 4 more placements and finished our homestudy to be adoptive parents. It keeps us busy!

Every time a child leaves our home, I hear "phantom" cries for days. I run to the nursery thinking our foster child is crying, and there's no one there. It gets better with time.

I'm sorry Sherri. Please PM me if you want to chat.

angelzmom · 04-24-2006, 03:28 AM

Sherri

I just wanted to say that I am sorry and send you a

Kath

Sherri75 · 04-24-2006, 04:01 AM

I really appreciate everyone's support. I've looked at DFD many times this weekend and have tried to imagine what it will be like without her. She's only been a part of our lives for 8 months, but it seems like she's always been here. I'm hoping the caseworker will take the time to talk to me about her plan when I pick up DFD from visitation this week. I'd like to know what time table she is looking at so that I know how to plan as well. We were thinking of a vacation this summer, but that may change now. I also still want to open our home back to more foster children, but need to talk to DH about it. We'd limited ourselves to one earlier because I'm trying to finish a degree while both of us have been working full time. I just didn't think it was fair to a child for us to have so much on our plates.

I'm sure the next couple of months are going to be horrible for us. We haven't even told our families yet, because we know they'll be as heartbroken as we are. My family is getting ready to go out of town and I don't want them to have to worry about it while they're away.

One tattered Angel · 04-24-2006, 10:12 PM

Im so sorry you and your DH are having to go through this. All I can say is ditto with what the others have all said. In some of our kidos we got some time to prepare and others were taken just like that. It hurts and as far as I am consirned you will feel a loss just as if you had experienced a loss of a child you had carried no matter what caseworkers say. Give yourselfs time to heal and it is ok to remember. I have always made scrapbooks of our kids so that I can pull them out from time to time when I am missing them. Best of luck to you guys in whatever the outcome may be. If you ever need to talk I am here. (Of the 17 kidos we have had we were able to adopt one and all the rest have went home or moved on to other homes) Take care. Lesia

Mindijean · 05-09-2006, 12:54 AM

Sherry........do you know anything more yet?

Sherri75 · 05-09-2006, 02:37 AM

Mindi - Thanks for checking in on me. I honestly still don't know much. The hearing was today, but our CW is terrible about communicating so I haven't heard a word about how it went. She said in the last phone conversation that DFD wouldn't go back anytime soon. There's still a possibility that the BM and her husband won't do everything they're supposed to do. The BM will also be spending quite a bit of time in jail soon, which could change things. I wish I had an answer. Actually, if I don't hear from the CW in regards to the hearing and an email I sent last week, I will be calling her supervisor tomorrow. It's getting ridiculous.

There's also a CASA worker that's been assigned to the case. That makes me feel better. The CASA worker wants what is best for the child and can make recommendations to the judge about the placement. I may call her tomorrow since I know she went to the hearing today. Anyways, I'll update when I know something more.

Mindijean · 05-09-2006, 02:46 AM

Sherry.......there is a guardian ad lietem involved here, isn't there? You could always call her?

Sherri75 · 05-10-2006, 02:13 AM

Mindi - There is, but as with most things, I have never been told who it is and they've never contacted me for information either.

Mindijean · 05-10-2006, 02:19 AM

You need to DEMAND the GAL's name and info!!

Sherri75 · 05-10-2006, 02:26 AM

If I can ever pin my CW down long enough for some answers I will.

LadyBugg · 05-10-2006, 09:27 PM

I can't imagine the feelings you must be feeling right now. It is for this exact reason that I doubt my ability to ever foster. I know I would way over-attach to every single child that came into my home. I am praying that this situation is resolved for everyone's benefit (especially baby) and very soon!