Freaking out (long-bear with me please)

storm172666 · 06-22-2009, 11:57 AM

Hi. A few years ago I began to have spotty or nonexistent periods and in google diagnosing myself I came to adamantly believe I have cervical cancer. I have serious anxiety/paranoia issues. After spending/wasting months of my life preparing for sure death even though I had no type of confirmation as I didn't even want to go to a doctor I went and was diagnosed with PCOS due to the irregular periods, elevated testosterone, and elevated blood sugar. I was also found to have elevated liver enzymes and through ultrasound was told it was fatty liver due to being overweight since I don't drink at all. That was about 6 years ago. I was on Metformin for a while but it didn't agree with me at all. My gyno suggested I get on Yasmin for the benefits to PCOS and because I had recently started my first relationship, so double the benefits. I've been on it 3 years now with no (known) problems. I haven't really worried too much about the PCOS, except to convince myself that I will never be able to have children and try to give up on that dream. Sometimes I cry when I hold a baby because I want to be a mother so badly it kills me inside to think I'm not able to.
A couple of times within the past year or so my mother (I get the hypochondria from her) has remarked that one of my ankles seems swollen. I haven't paid any mind to it until recently when she again mentioned it and told me I could be dying and not know it. Of course I did a search and glaring back at me are cirrhosis, diabetes, kidney disease! I've now become obsessed and pretty much diagnosed myself with either one of those or all three. I can't stop myself. I've again started planning my death. I know I should just go to a doctor and get a check up, but sometimes I feel I'd rather not know, rather not have a confirmation of anything because I truly feel I would end up in a mental ward. I haven't had a check up other than gyno in years and I just don't want to find out what the hell else is wrong with me or how much worse I've made things for myself by not losing much weight. I try to reason with myself that I can't/shouldn't diagnose myself, especially based on only one symptom or issue when the swollen ankle could be caused by an old sprain, walking incorrectly, wrong type of shoes, the birth control, or just being overweight itself. So I can be logical, but it only lasts a few minutes before I'm once again freaking out with my heart racing and all these thoughts going through my head about dying. I'm recently engaged and know this should be a happy time in my life. I'm only 28 and I'm wasting time worrying so much it's impacting me. I think of breaking it off since I might be really sick and probably won't be able to give him kids anyway. I know none of you can diagnose me, but I guess I'm just looking to share what's going on with me since I have no one in my life I can talk to these things about because I don't want to seem crazy and I don't want to worry anyone either.

Bianca · 06-22-2009, 06:18 PM

I'm not sure what to say here. I know that Google is not your friend when you're looking into possible causes for something. Google turns up EVERY possibility, not particularly the one that's right.

I don't understand you're reasoning for not going to the doctor for a check up. If you're so concerned you're dying anyway, wouldn't it be nice to know that you're not? I definitely wouldn't destroy my life by leaving the man that I love for something that probably isn't true.

Also, there's no reason to believe you can't have children. I concieved with no meds. There's a whole board of women here who have concieved with PCOS. I really do hope you go to the doctor. You might get the confirmation you need to continue on and be happy in life.

bloodorchid · 06-22-2009, 06:43 PM

trust me on this, i'm the same way. find someone you are comfortable with and have them go with you to get a check up

mzamethystcrow · 06-22-2009, 09:55 PM

Go to the doctor. More than likely, nothing is wrong with your ankle or, it's probably very minor. And stop telling yourself that you won't have babies because you have PCOS. I have PCOS and I'm in week 26 of my pregnancy. :-) You can conceive having PCOS, I promise.

bblemire · 06-23-2009, 10:22 PM

I am a crazy googler too. I also want a baby more than anything but I don't know if I will be able to have one either and that worries me as well. I was diagnosed after a long time of not having a period, having cysts, facial hair.. the list goes on. I also had high liver enzymes (still do) and my testo. was high as well. The other thing is my ankles, wrists, fingers are all swollen from time to time and my right ankle ALWAYS hurts. I blame it on water retention but who knows. But, I am right there with you

melinda31 · 06-24-2009, 01:17 AM

OMG!!!!!!! You are me!!! I do the exact same thing!! I start to plan everything around impending death...i know to other people it sounds crazy, but once i am on a kick...THATS IT. Firts of all, your not alone. Let me seee, First mines was a brain tumor. Its constantly a heartattack, and now stomach cancer...sheeezzzz...i be so exhaustd from worrying. However, its not at all healthy to do this. Not to encourage medicine, but i was able to get some control back over my life by praying, taking ativan, and walking...keeping busy. You have a wedding to plan, thow yourself into that full force. Just today i got a endometrial biopsy, you know where my mind is trying to take me right....NOT!!! i wont let it. i wont lie and say i dont have the bad thoughts..however, you cant live your life this way. My mind would constantly go to that place. My husband and our friends would talk about a upcoming vacation.....I would be thinking how i wont be able to go because of some cancer they may find, girl i can tell you some stories about my ER trips and blood lab stalking adventures(YES I WOULD STALK THE LAB WHERE I WORK IF I HAD A TEST DONE THERE, iT GOt THAT BAD).....trust me i been down that road, and as your reading this your like, SHE REALLY KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT...YES i do. BUT, i am hear to tell you, you can have control over your life again, you just have to want it, Please try to get control now, i dont wish this on anyone!! WRITE ME ANYTIME SO WE CAN TALK!!!