genetics

elkanicole · 09-22-2003, 03:23 PM

As with most PCOS women, I grew up with a lot of physical and emotional problems. I had no idea what was wrong with me or what to do. At the age of 22, I was finally diagnosed with PCOS and have been doing remarkably well since beginning my treatment a few years ago.

However, my boyfriend and I were recently talking about the future, and he expressed to me that he would never want to have children with me. There is a genetic component to PCOS, and he says that he does not want to knowingly have a daughter that will get PCOS too. He believes that it's cruel to knowing have children when we know that a daughter could have the same problems I have had.

I am greatly hurt by this because I have always wanted children. Is it wrong of me to have children when I know there is a good chance my daughter will get PCOS? Or is my boyfriend totally out of line? He is ready to break up with me over this issue.

Struggling,
Tina

SoulDoctor · 09-22-2003, 03:33 PM

I am still trying to do what I can to make myself knowledgable on the subject but as far as I know at the moment, it is not 100% sure that PCOS will be passed on. My girlfriend, for example, has tried to search family records and nothing came up in her mother or grandmother...it won't be a sure thing that it will happen. But if it does, it would be good because you know what to look for and how to relate to her and help her, right? It would be good to sit down together and read over the research that is available and even discuss the option of adoptation...that could be an excellent route to take as well. It is a tough issue but I don't think it warrents breaking up. Understand where he is coming from and assert these points for items of discussion.

Astrolaura · 09-22-2003, 03:38 PM

Hi Tina,

I'm not a DH or BF, but I am a woman with PCOS. I was very touched by your post. It's such a difficult subject for so many of us. I would have to say it really depends on the disease or syndrome. If I had a family history of say breast cancer (if my grandmother, aunt, mother and sister all had it) uterine cancer or similar female cancers, then I wouldn't want to have daughters or possibly any children to pass that along to. If I had something as terrible as MS I certainly wouldn't want to pass that along. However there are things that can be treated that might or might not be passed along.

PCOS can be treated in quite a few cases very effectively. There's no concrete evidence that it's genetic. I'm the only one in my family with it. I'm also the only one with uterine polyps and endometriosis too. No other woman has these problems. Not my grandmother, not my mother, not my sister, no one else. We have a family history of hypertension. That can be life threatening, but mostly it's controllable. is that a good reason to never have children? Some would say yes and some would say no.

Your BF might not be totally out of line, since he might honestly feel that way. If you still really want children and he is insistant on not having children, then the two of you need to really sit down and discuss this or things will never work out. I hope you work it out.

laura

Quote:

Originally posted by elkanicole
As with most PCOS women, I grew up with a lot of physical and emotional problems. I had no idea what was wrong with me or what to do. At the age of 22, I was finally diagnosed with PCOS and have been doing remarkably well since beginning my treatment a few years ago.

However, my boyfriend and I were recently talking about the future, and he expressed to me that he would never want to have children with me. There is a genetic component to PCOS, and he says that he does not want to knowingly have a daughter that will get PCOS too. He believes that it's cruel to knowing have children when we know that a daughter could have the same problems I have had.

I am greatly hurt by this because I have always wanted children. Is it wrong of me to have children when I know there is a good chance my daughter will get PCOS? Or is my boyfriend totally out of line? He is ready to break up with me over this issue.

Struggling,
Tina

*DannysMom* · 09-22-2003, 03:42 PM

Tina~

First of all... I am sorry you are dealing with this frustrating issue.

Before you can address your bf's plans for the future... I think you need to evaluate what your needs are. Such as... what kind of husband do you wish to have? Do you want a husband that loves you unconditionally and shares similiar ideas for the future... or are you willing to compromise what you want?

You have mentioned your desire to have children. Are you willing to give that dream up? Are you willing to adopt and love someone else's child? Is this something your bf would want? Does he even want children... is this an excuse?

It's so personal a decision to make. I think that it is a GOOD thing that you have had this discussion. What he has said to you is that he would never want to have children with you. He has laid his cards on the table. You have to decide if he is worth spending your life with. Is this the man you love and plan to marry....

Consider this one of those blessings in disguise... your bf has given you a clue as to what his future will look like... you can either live with that or not.

Good luck to you... I know you have so much to think about.
Karen

SoulDoctor · 09-22-2003, 03:44 PM

^^^That is some good sound advice. It could be that he doesn't know too much about PCOS so maybe his opinion might change after he has some facts on it. But it is definitely decision time for you...it is a rough spot but it is your life. How do you want it to go?

TxHubby · 09-23-2003, 02:24 PM

You know...that is something that my DW struggled with, herself, before we decided about having children. We both had always wanted children, but she felt almost guilty that she could have a girl & pass this along to her. I told her that (a) we might not have a girl, (b) even if we do have a girl, there's no guarantee that she would have PCOS also, (c) even if you knew for sure that you were having a daughter & that she would get PCOS, is that reason enough to not bring a child into this world?? Don't get me wrong, I know that PCOS is a horrible thing to have to deal with & causes all sorts of emotional & physical problems for women, but I don't know that there are very many ( if any ) women out there who would say that they would rather have never been born, than to have to live with PCOS. It (pcos) definitely affects your life, but it shouldn't make life not worth living, right ?!? Besides that...the way I like to look at it is this...if you try to have children & are successful, then that is a gift from God...he's given you this gift for a reason.

If you worry about what problems ( medical or otherwise ) that your children may or may not have, and you let that affect your decision on whether or not to have any children, then you're letting fear run your life. I mean, there's no guarantee for anyone having children, that there won't be some sort of problem. That's just one of the risks that you take when you decide to have children. You can't worry about the what-if's and the negative things that "could" happen, or you won't be able to enjoy any of the good things in life. You just have to put your faith in God, and trust that everything will go according to his plan..whether we understand it or not.

It sounds like you need to make some tough decisions about your life right now...you definitely need to sit down & have a long talk with your bf & figure out if the two of you really want the same things in life. If after giving him some more info on PCOS & letting him know the facts & the risks, etc. he decides that he still doesn't want to have children, then you have to make a decision on whether you would rather spend your life with him and no children, or whether you would rather find someone else to spend your life & possibly have children with...and of course there's always the option of adoption as well, if that's something that the two of you would want to consider. Bottom line is...that you have a lot of talking to do with your bf & a lot of soul searching to do yourself, before you can make the best decision on what's right for you and the rest of your life.

Good luck with everything...I hope it works out the way that you want it to !!

p.s. - just so you know, my DW & I have a beautiful baby girl who just turned 16 months old yesterday...and if it turns out that she develops PCOS, then that's something that we will have to deal with as a family, but at least my wife & I both have the knowledge to help her get treatment & to help her through it all.
That's all we can really do, as parents..is supply our children with the knowledge that we have, support them in whatever way that we can, and love them unconditionally.

shorty1kanobi · 09-30-2003, 07:41 PM

I struggled with some of the thoughts about whether or not it was right to try, knowing PCOS is a possibility. Then I realized that if I did have a daughter I would know what to look for and have so much more knowledge on what to do than my own mother did. I'd rather not have PCOS, but it doesn't make me wish I'd never been born.

We have the power, all of us, to help bring awareness to PCOS and thus bring out all kinds of options for our children and children's children.

Tina, I read your post about your bf and I'm sorry you're going through this. The fact is, you're not damaged goods. You have a medical condition, but so do many many other people, and there are worse things to pass on.

You're going to find someone else less damaged.....someone who'll realize your syndrome is not you, nor is it worth losing you over.

prunepie · 10-06-2003, 11:35 PM

i have to say this..maybe he doesnt understand fully what pcos is..

because..unless we never die....there is something in EVERYONES family that is hereditary...heart disease/cancer....... for example.... i mean all of our hearts fail or we get cancer or something..it is rare to find someone whose family contains every family member living till 100 and dying quietly in their sleep.

soooooooooooooooo if your boyfriend is going on the basis that having a kid with you might give a hereditary disease or disorder...he is going to find a hard time finding someone whose family tree has no health issues....

sorry you are going through this xoxoox jenn

cyster_sista_annie · 10-06-2003, 11:50 PM

I know of 2 other women on my father's side of the family with PCOS and 2 others with endometriosis. So Yes I think genetics plays a roll. PCOS is linked to a defect on chromosome 19.

On another note, tell your man to f off! Just because you have a condition like PCOS it doesn't mean that life is no longer worth living. If you had a daughter and she had PCOS would that mean that it was a mistake for her to be conceived?? Absolutely not. She would be capable of living a happy and full life like mine and I have PCOS. She would be able to learn to be understanding of people. A quality in short abundance in this world. She would be YOUR daughter and you would love her to bits I bet! Your boyfriend sounds ignorant and judgemental. I wouldn't be having a child with this man to begin with.

Annie

Joanne cira 1973 · 11-04-2003, 02:11 AM

That is my first reaction....

Now my husband was diagnosed at the age of 20 with IDDM (Insulin Dependant Diabetes). We met when he was 29 (I was 23). I fell pregnant. A year later, we recieved a phonecall from a Genetic Lab; asking if we could come in, as a "bad gene" had been discovered in his family. We did, he was tested.

He was told a month later, he was postive for FAP Gene. (It causes cancer in the bowel). DH then had to have all these invasive tests - lost his bowel, because as it turns out, he wasn't far from dying due to this gene. We have been told, if he HAD NOT been tested genetically, we would have discovered the cancer too late.

Since then we have had our second child. Yes we knew we were taking a risk having kids (with a "faulty" parent); but kids are worth it, particularily when the parents love & trust each other.

Since then I have been diagnosed with PCOS, IR & Hashimoto's thyroid. Does this mean my kids are any less wonderful because both parents have illnesses. NO!!!! What it means is, we take care of each other, find out everything we can, and raise our kids just the same as a "healthy, normal" parent would.

Enough of the lecture - I feel very strongly about this. Sorry.

Promise me though, you will decide either way & not look back with regret. Keep us informed, & come back if you need us.

Oh - by the way, I don't normally come to this section of the forum; but my DH showed me this post. And like I said, I feel very strongly on this type of issue.

Best of luck.