Gift for bm after finalization?

spookycyster · 03-30-2004, 09:47 PM

Hi,

I think I asked about this before, but I can't remember what was said.

I'm thinking about getting our bm a gift of some sort and have it given to her after the finalization. I don't think I am going to tell dh about it because he'll not want to do it, but I feel like I should do something for this wonderful, amazing woman who gave us her child. Of course, there's no gift in the world that compares to the gift she gave us, but I wanted to give her some sort of small token...

Do you think it's tacky of me to do? I certainly don't want to cause her anymore pain than what she's gone thru with the adoption. Do you think it would hurt her feelings or offend her that I gave her something?

And what should I give her? I was thinking about a small jewelry item, like an angel of some sort. Nothing engraved on it, so that she wouldn't have to explain what it was, but maybe a pendant of an angel?

Any suggestions? Gotta run...my boy calls.....

tke100 · 03-31-2004, 12:15 AM

Hi there,

Interesting that you posted this because I was thinking if we should do the same. Our BM is young 18 and may or may not appreciate the sentiment.

I have been thinking that something small like what you are describing may be a good thing to give.

Our agency says a lot of people give gifts to the birth mother but depending on where you live you need to be careful because of the laws around adoption. I remember her saying something that if we were going to do something, not spend more than $50. Technically you are not suppose to give her any gifts at all. (in Florida) It is a very fine line from what we understand.

The day we went to pick Sam up from the agency the BM handed him to us there. The social worker from the agency said if we wanted to give her something that day we could have. We decided not to because at the time we were feeling a little strange about giving her a gift of any kind. We went back and forth like what could we possible give her? I remember agonizing over this.

It was strange because of the way our situation happened we had very little repor with our BM. She gave birth on a Friday, we met her Saturday at the hospital (lots of tears) and then that Wednesday we took him home. It happened so quick, but I think if we had know her throughout the pregnancy I may have felt more compelled to do a gift of some sort. We keep in touch with the BM through email and send pictures.

So, after all this rambling, I think my opinion in the matter is do what is in your heart. I certainly do NOT think it is tacky and I think an angel is a great idea.

Good Luck
Tricia

spookycyster · 03-31-2004, 12:43 AM

Hey thanks Tricia,

Your bm situation and ours sound so similar. Ds was born on Monday and bm called agency on Tuesday. Our sw met with bm on Tuesday and let her think about it. Wednesday, bm called sw, said she wanted to place. Thursday, I was notified about ds and Friday, he was home with me.

I think that if we had gone thru the whole pregnancy with her, I would have definately given her something when ds was placed. But as it was, the first time I met her was the day she placed ds in my arms. I haven't had any contact with her since, although I send pictures to her thru the agency, as per our agreement.

We live in FL too, but our sw didn't mention anything about price limit on gift. I figure that if we give it after ds's finalization, it's probably not as big a deal??

Oh well. I'm on the hunt for something for her. Maybe an angel with ds's birthstone? Maybe just the angel only? Ugh. I don't know! What on earth do you give to the girl that gave you everything you've ever wanted???

MichelleJ · 03-31-2004, 12:54 AM

I know a bm. She met the adopting parents one time and they came in to the hospital after she had the baby and they gave her a charm braclet. Very pretty and something she can add to in years to come. HTH

spookycyster · 03-31-2004, 08:08 AM

Michelle,

Thanks for the charm bracelet idea. That's perfect!! Now, I'm on the hunt for a charm bracelet and an angel charm...

Thanks again!

tke100 · 03-31-2004, 12:27 PM

Wow our situation does sound similar. I really like the charm bracelet idea.

Definitely check with the social worker because we worked with an attorney and an agency before we were matched and both mentioned about the gift giving. Rather be safe than sorry. I would just double check.

Where in FL are you?

Good luck and I will let you know what we decide about the gift giving.

Tricia

spookycyster · 03-31-2004, 12:42 PM

Hi Tricia,

We are in the Panhandle, in the Pensacola area. I think you told me you live down south....

I'll give my agency a call today and find out about the gift. I'm not planning on spending an awful lot of money (I have lots of diapers and formula to buy now!

) but I do want to give her a little something. I'm going to look on line for a charm bracelet.

Keep me posted as to what you guys give as a gift. When's your finalization? Our petition is supposed to be filed with the courts this week, so I'm just waiting to hear about a date. Can't wait!

April

SoonerGal · 03-31-2004, 06:13 PM

I know many of the adoptive mom's in our agency give the birthmom's name bracelets. They are very popular where I live with mom's, grandma's etc. There is a website of a store here in Tulsa that I know where you can order them. I have bought tons of stuff in their store and it is nice stuff!! Hope this helps for ideas!!

www.jspencerjewelry.com

Good Luck!

sten727 · 03-31-2004, 07:22 PM

I have another place you can order the materials to CREATE a charm bracelet for your bm. You can choose the charms and the bracelets are actually on sale right now. Also, if you order this week (I think it's all week) you can type birthdaysale in the box at the end of the order and receive a discount because they are celebrating the birthday of the store. HTH too!

http://www.beadsandcharms.com/

P.S. DS is gorgeous!!

spookycyster · 03-31-2004, 07:49 PM

Sooner and Sten,

Thanks so much for your suggestions....there is a shop here locally where I can make beaded jewelry...perhaps I should head there and see what I come up with. Hmm.

You guys have been great with the suggestions! Thank you!!

And Sten, thanks for the compliment on ds....we think he's pretty darned cute ourselves!! I've told dh that I don't think we could have done better biologically 'cause ds is just so cute!

Not that I'm biased or anything...ha ha ha.

spookycyster · 04-02-2004, 05:38 PM

Just wanted to let you guys know that I bought a really nice silver charm bracelet at Sears today. Their silver is 50% thru tomorrow, so I went ahead and picked up the bracelet. It's quite pretty and fairly hefty in weight. I'd looked at some others, but they were pretty cheesy and very flimsy feeling. I'm still on the hunt for an angel charm. My mom suggested maybe getting bm's birth stone charm, then it's truly a gift for her, about her. I just didn't want to get her something that she would feel like she'd have to explain....anyways, just wanted to let you know