I'm really angry at you right now Lord. I don't understand your ways. I never had, and I've gone along with them for so long, but I no longer can. You make me sick. You say you love us, and then you bring such pain and suffering in our lives when you CAN change it.
I asked you for something so simple. I wanted a child. And you kept giving me hope. But then you took tht away from me.
D is dying of cancer. J has lupis and you're sending J's only family member to Iraq.
You say you're my father, but as a parent to me, I know you have a better plan for me that I have for myself. But God, when I begged you for this child and said whatever plan you had for me that this is the one I wanted, Why could you not feel a little bit of sympathy and give it to me? I would trade whatever happiness you probably have in store for me for this one thing. I would show it love. This baby would have the potential to save 5 immediate people, and probably several more that I don't know it will encounter. As a parent, don't you want your child to make their own mistakes. So let me make it God. Give it to me. You lead me to believe that you will give it to me. You give me false hope, so my wound will be fresh every time you shatter my dream. How compassionate is that? Thanks Daddy, the only father I know, for giving me a life long sentence of pain when I beg you to change things or help me to change things.. and you led me to believe it'll be different this time. And it never is. I'm going to stop trying. If I weren't so damn afraid of death, I'd be done as it is. But know this, I hate You right now.
Candlefrog, I see that quite a few cysters have viewed your post, but noone has responded. When I read this the other day, I was shocked and I felt your pain, but did not know how to respond. I searched, but could not find the words to comfort you. Many ppl say you cannot question God (which is prob. why noone replied), but it is okay (even Jesus questioned him). And you have some valid questions. I would like to reflect on what you said in your prayer to God. You said you told Him that whatever His will is-that is what you wanted. I've said before when I pray for His will to be done, I also pray that I am able to recognize it and accept it, b/c it may not be my will or what I want.
Well, I was drawn back to this post for a reason. So, now I'm curious to know if you still have the same feelings. It is not my intention to be judgemental, so know that if you would like to continue to talk, I'll be here.
i personally believe its fine and healthy to question and let your higher power know that you are upset.
i hope you find some peace and happiness . thinking of you xo jenn
__________________ jennifer, 33years old
long island, new york
dxd 2001
searching for new therapies/meds for pcos
met/gluc not working as well..but on 1000mgxr
married on 9/28/06 to keith
hey candlefrog,
i am sorry about your feelings towards God, i too had them before i was saved and now that's different!
all i would say is that although God is a God of love, he is also a God of justice as it says in the Bible, i hope you are truly saved because God has given us so much to be grateful for, He gave his only Son Jesus to dye for us on the cross, man, he didn't have to save anyone and could have left us to go to hell but He gave His all on the cross and took on the pain of all our sin just because He loves us!
There are other people just like you, for instance, my friend who is 18 had ovarian cancer and had lots of bits taken out, so when i think i her i have no need to be self pitiful because i might be able to have kids, i might not!
hope that helps alot!
can i just ask, what does dh stand for?
xxx
__________________ "For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul"?
Matthew 16v26
I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I too have had these feelings, these questions Ive asked to God. Why? What in my life have I done so wrong to have this punishment? I have tried to conceive for 2 years with no luck only false hope as well. Every time I think I am, another big slap in the face. I have a cousin who is a mother at 18 to a one month old little boy. Her circumstances were not the best when she got pregnant, and still this gift was handed to her so easliy. It has made me wonder. I know that God does have a plan for me and Im finally at point where Im ready to accept it. You cant go through life asking why, or trying to figure things out, youll miss what is good. I wish I could say more to comfort you in this time, all I can say is I feel your pain, and may God please have a hand on you. He loves you, no matter what you may think right now, I know its hard but its true. I still get down and ask my questions but its all normal, and all we can do is pray that He hears us. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie and anyone else who feels this heartache. May God bless, hear your prayers and heal your hearts. Mine breaks for you.
I've felt the same way for two months, and NOBODY seems to understand it outside of my cysters. When Rivi died, I stopped talking to God. I don't understand why 8 years of infertility resulted in a baby that I couldn't keep. I am so angry with God, and I don't know how I will ever be able to trust Him again.
DH has drawn closer to our church (the pastor's wife actually said that if I'd had enough faith my son would have lived), while I have pulled away. It is adding to the stress of losing Rivi, and I don't know whether we will survive this mess.
Anyway, I didn't mean to make your post about ME! I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you're feeling, and I think that it's okay to be angry with God. I can't imagine never being close to Him again, but I just need time. And I'm sure He understands that, since he is omniscient!
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Just wanted to give you something to reflect on. Most if not all Christians can relate to having struggles with what is God's will. God does know the desires of our hearts and if we believe that He has a plan for our life, it's a little easier to accept the bad things. Maybe you're so consumed with wanting a child, that you're missing the boat? Maybe God wants you to be a foster parent or adopt? Maybe He wants you to start an outreach for kids? When we just "Go along with His ways" that's not really trusting in him; it's just being manipulative to get what we want. He sees what's in your heart and doesn't allow you to hold more weight than you can handle-it's not God's fault that bad things happen. Instead of blaming Him, maybe you should lean on him and seek Him through reading his word and through prayer. I know this is much easier said than done, but please don't turn your back in anger and hate.
Just remember...God does not give us anything we can't handle (it just seems like it at the time)...it WILL be ok, and we are all here for you! Peace with you cyster!
__________________ -US NAVY FAMILY
-10+ years of PCOS, SAHM & full time
college student
- Me, Laura (31)... DH, Sam (30)
- DD's: Kassie 10 and Kateri 4
- Not taking PCOS med's
- Depression, anxiety, panic attacks
- Acne, excessive hair growth, IBS
- GERD, dark patches around groin
- Overweight, hyperplasia,high triglycerides, elevated testosterone, no periods
I have felt the way you have before, I know it's very hard!
We had a very hard past couple of years with losing 4 family members so I know what it is to question and ask why.
(((((hugs)))))
__________________ DX: Sept/03 Me 31 & DH 35 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
PCOS:Metformin 1500mgs daily(Oct/03). Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar Type II: Effexor 225 mgs, .5mgs clonazapam, and 900mgs Lithium daily. litebook therapy(Dec/04). Meniere's Disease: To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 16mgs Serc and 10-20mgs Metoclop
God, Je te deteste, maitnant. 
