Going for D&C tomorrow & rant

*Clarissa* · 04-08-2004, 08:15 PM

I have decided to do the D&C rather than let it go at home. I am afraid it will be to emotional to do it at home. How much more emotional could this get though? I am scheduled at 10am. It will be performed at the hospitol.

Never in a million years did I think just 3 short days ago, that I'd no longer be pg by weeks end. I hate this. This is so unfair. It hurts so bad. I was hoping to wake up this morning and this be a bad dream. When I woke up I looked around and then I remembered. I can't stop crying. I have cried ever since my u/s on Tuesday. I went for my pre-op blood work today. It felt like I was taking the first step to get rid of my baby. I HATE THIS! This is not how an u/s is supposed to turn out. This is not how my pg was suppose to end. I was suppose to be holding a beautiful baby in my arms in November.

We have decided to call it Alex. Since that would work for either a boy or girl. My husband took me today after my appt. to get a tree. We decided on a weeping willow. Did you know that the scientific name actually has "baby" in it. Salix babylonica. We were thinking of a weeping elm, until we saw that.

As for me physically, I am having severe back and stomach cramps. I stopped my progesteron yesturday. I know that is not what caused the death of my baby though. She tested it and it came back at 30. My 1 hr glucose was 182 though.

After my D&C I will go on b/c. I will also have a 2 hr test. I want to get this under control before I try again. She said that she'd like me to wait 3 months. I start back on my glucophage today.

I went for another beta today. I'm not expecting any miracles, but she just want to be sure. I'm glad of that.

Please pray for me that everything goes well tomorrow. I am very nervous, but I want to get this over with. I don't want it to drag out. My mom wanted to come, but I told her no. I appreciate her support, but I don't want to make a production out of this. I just want it over with.

Sorry this has been so long. I will probably copy it to my ttc buddies. Good thing I keep in touch with them, as I will be joing them again.

lots_of_dots · 04-08-2004, 08:48 PM

((((hugs Clarissa))))

I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I hope everything goes well tomorrow ~ as well as they can go. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

((((more hugs))))

CathyWood · 04-08-2004, 09:17 PM

((((Clarissa))))) I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. IT is not easy. I am glad you decided to do the D & C. Take it easy this weekend. I am so glad that your dh is supportive.

April_Bee · 04-09-2004, 11:49 AM

((((Clarissa))))

I'm glad you were able to reach a decision. I hope everything goes as well as can be expected. We are all here for you to help you through this difficult time. You and your family are in my prayers.

SheriKCMO · 04-09-2004, 06:48 PM

Clarissa,
Don't hold it in. This is the place where you can really let it all out and where we truly know what is going on. This is the most unfair thing that can happen to a mother, and we are all sad for you. I'm glad you made a decision so quickly and have a plan for moving on.
Were you off of your gluc/met? I am pretty sure that my glucose would be that high at one hour because I've been on lower carbs for so long my body can't compensate like it used to. I've heard of m/c after cysters stop their metformin, and I'm not suggesting anything to you, but I know that in this situation a woman is looking for any idea to avoid this pain again.
I hope it gets easier for you in the next few days and you are able to have a relaxing holiday. Let us know...
Sheri

Terri · 04-10-2004, 12:38 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a D & C and physically it was not bad at all and I am total freak about going to sleep and medical procedures.

The intense feelings that arise from a miscarriage can be very overwhelming but unfortunately a part of the process. It will get better in time.

Just know that we are here for you if/when you need us. I still cry over my loss which happened in October. When the moments hit I cry like it just happened. But, I try to remind myself that it is a process of healing and in a sick sort of way it has made me even more determined to have a baby. I don't care what I have to do, how I have to do it but I am going to be a mom.

It will get better. Promise......

All the best sweety.... sending you a big ((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))

*Clarissa* · 04-10-2004, 11:58 AM

Who replied to my posts. Your support means everything to my husband and me. We have both read every post, and are truly touched by my cysters kindness. My dh wanted me to make sure that I thanked you all for him as well.

Yesterday was somewhat of a roller coaster. First I hate hospitals. I had never been to this one, Takoma Adventists. Everyone on staff there was so nice, though. I really felt like they cared what I was going through. I was afraid that they would act as if it was just tissue. But they all treated me really well, and said that they were sad for my loss. Now to the roller coaster. When I got there I told them that I wanted my beta to compare to Tuesday's before anything was done. When it came, I was shocked, it has risen. It did not double though, it went from 52,000 to 54,000(I don't remember the exact numbers) When I saw that I told then that I wanted to talk to my doctor. So she called my room (she wasn't there yet). She was really nice and told me that she wanted me to be at ease with what I was doing and that if I wanted to put it off and run more numbers next week that I could, but she also assured me that the numbers would have had to double and that there was no positive heartbeat. I told her that I wanted to go ahead with the d&c, but I wanted another u/s first. I had to be sure, I didn't want to live with any doubt in my mind. So she ordered an u/s. Things were exactly as I expected. It even showed some bleeding, even though I had not bleed yet. The u/s operator could not find the baby, and attempted to find a h/b, but of course there was not one. There was a sac. She marked what she thought could be the baby, but she also said that the baby had probably decomposed by now.

So anyway I had the d&c. Before I was put under I started crying, and they gave me something to calm me down. Then I was put under a short while later. When I woke up in recovery I was weeping rather profusely, realizing that I no longer had my baby with me. My doctor gave me an injection of Xanex for my nerves, and also prescribed some for me to take at home. I am really glad of that. It has truly helped me get through the past 24 hours. She gave me enough to last for a while, but I will only take it as needed, I don't want to become dependant on it. I do need to grieve. I am also on percaset for the pain. It is very painful! I have been asleep 95% of the time since I got home. Mostly so I won't be awake to think about it.

I know that some of you that have shown support to me have recently or are now going through the same thing. I am truly sorry for your loss also, and I am sorry that I haven't taken the time to respond to your posts as well. The pain is still really fresh, but I promise my prayers and thoughts are with my cysters also. Maybe as time passes I can be more supportive for you as well.

I will probably cut and paste this to my other posts, I hope no one is offended by that, but at this point it is easier on me emotionally not to talk, or type, about this to much.

SheriKCMO - My docotor had me come off my glucophage. With my son I came off of it also. But with my son I stopped it before I even knew that I was pg. I stopped it this time around the same time that the baby probably died. I will most likely stay on it the whole time the next go around. I am also doind the low carb thing. I have been since before I got pg with ds, so about 2 yrs ago. I didn't know it could affect my 1hr though. I just don't see how accurate those things can be for someone that is ir anyway. I mean how often do we digest 50mg of dextrose in one day, let alone one setting?