Guilty about not being sad

Kanmustang · 03-15-2005, 01:31 AM

I keep reading all of your stories and feel guilty that I didn't feel the deep pain of my miscarriage. My dr thinks I was pg with twins and lost one 2-11-05 and the second this past week. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad, but my dh and I have been trying for 4 years and NOTHING...I'm so excited to know that I can even get pg, that it somehow greatly eased the pain of my loss. I also think another difference was that I didn't know I was pg until I was almost through the miscarriage. I knew they "thought" I lost a baby 4 weeks ago, but didn't really know for sure...Does that make me a bad person, that I didn't cry for hours and days? I guess I feel guilty that I'm excited about all the new possibilities now. I have such a better outlook on my future. Just wondering if anyone has felt the same, or am I just nuts.

SheriKCMO · 03-15-2005, 06:27 PM

Don't worry at all. You're lucky! Focusing on the positive is great if you can do it, and you might never need to grieve these babies. There's no need to if you didn't build an attachment. Lots of us dive right in, and it's painful. I wish you lots of luck with the next one!!

kirvygerl · 03-15-2005, 06:34 PM

No, I don't think you are nuts. Not everyone feels the same about their m/c, and that's ok, however don't asume that because you haven't cried or felt terribly sad up until now that you won't, at some point, feel that way.

I had a m/c 5.5 years ago. I was happy to be pregnant, however it wasn't the best time in my life to give my child the opportunities that I wanted to. I was sad about my m/c, but in a way happy that I could better plan for my next child. Well, wouldn't you know, I have yet to get pg again, and I have experienced much more sadness over the past few years about the m/c. I think about that child alot and what s/he would be doing now, what I would be doing, how I would be as a mother,ect. I think for me it was delayed grieving. I am sad that my child is not alive and no other child will replace him/her.

Please also know that grief can be expressed in many different ways. Just because you don't cry, ect doesn't mean that you are not experiencing grief. Give yourself permission to feel whatever and however you are feeling right now.

Just a thought.

kwannabee · 03-16-2005, 01:18 PM

First of all i'm sorry about your loss...and like all the other cysters said you are not nuts...we feel what we feel...there is no right or wrong...just different...and whatever is right for you...is just right...

i wish you success and i know some people have used SC (like me) as a total theraputic gush tool to let out every single emotion...and others are more private...but no one will ever say you are any less of a person for feeling the way you do...so dont even think another guilty thought...best wishes and lots of hugs...

Reebekah · 03-16-2005, 08:38 PM

I dont think that's abnormal at all. I had a miscarriage early last year, and I was upset, but at the same time I was happy to just know that I could conceive. After a few days, I accepted what happened and looked toward the future. It wasnt until I had a late loss and held my actual developed babies in my arms that I took it really hard. Even with the loss of my twins, I think I would have been able to deal with it MUCH better if the circumstances surrounding their delivery wasn't so questionable and horrible. I think it all depends on your frame of mind at the time of the loss, how much time you had to look forward to the child(ren), how far along you were, how the hosptial/doctors treated you, if you have other children, the reason for the loss, how many losses you have, etc etc etc etc etc....in other words, it all depends on the situation. Some people are obviously stronger than others, and you feel how you feel...that's it...dont ever feel bad for feeling how you feel.

*Clarissa* · 03-17-2005, 04:19 PM

No hun don't feel guilty!!! I would have given anything to have not felt the terrible pain that I was and still do feel. We all handle it differently. I think that it is great that you are able to look at this as a positive. Not positive that you m/c, but that you can indeed get pregnant. I actually envy you for the attitude that you are able to have about it. Maybe it wsould have been different if you had known and grew attached, like most of us have done. But none of the what ifs matter. You feel what you feel, period.

I think the reason that you don't see as many stories like your's is that most of us come here to grieve and cry, and like Kim said gush. So don't feel bad or guilty about anything, I am sure that there are others that feel the same way. Keep the positive outlook, like you said, you can get pregnant. You know that now.

VivC · 03-18-2005, 01:00 AM

Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you feel. I do think that at some point you will experience some pain when reflecting on who your babies might have become.

But don't feel like less of a mother in the meantime. Take care of yourself, and I'm sending baby dust your way!

Mibell · 03-18-2005, 08:34 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering if there is something wrong with me for not feeling sad. I found out I was pregnant on the 11th, then by 13th I didn't feel pregnant anymore and my beta's started to drop this week. We have gotten lots of sympathy from our friends and family, but to be honest DH and I are so proud of ourselves for getting this far! I tried for 10 years to get pregnant during my first marriage, and never even ovulated. Now I am married again to a much sweeter DH, and I was pregnant after only 4 months on Met! I was so happy to see the placenta on the ultrasound, even though there was no heartbeat. Until that moment I thought all the pregnancy tests had to be wrong!!

I am lucky that I didn't even have time to get used to the idea of being pregnant, and I don't feel that I've lost a baby, just a pregnancy. It is a sad thing, and certainly not the outcome I wanted, but I am so excited at the possibilites! I may be sad later, or not at all, but whatever we feel is valid and just right for us!