Had enough

SurrenderedCyster · 06-10-2006, 06:33 AM

I can't keep it together tonight. I am in one of those places where the hurt is really deep, and I can't take much more.
I'm in so much damn pain from this bs with whatever is going on, therapy has been a bi*** for the last two weeks, I'm irritable, my therapist is ticked off at me because I've been spending too much time with my so freakin, depressed, enabling, pity pot dysfunctional family, my brother and his ex-wife continue to look at me with the ONLY problem, when, believe me, they are the ones who have issues. Do you ever feel like you are just a piece of crap, b/c that's how I feel right now, I don't know whether to cry or punch a punching bag. Why do I feel like a real fool???
I am just so frustrated, and have told myself all day that I am a piece of crap, don't know what's wrong with me. I went for a walk and praye to God for most of it asking Him to change me, send me a family of my own, and help me to not be so hard on myself, the list goes on, I even prayed for my family, but it's ALL getting really overwhelming. My therapist are close and sheis not too happy with me right now, b/c Ichose to be with family more the last 2 months. So many things from the past coming up, and believeing the not so nice things peoke say about me, it really hurts damnit.
I'm done, I really hope the night has been better for you.
It hurts to breathe, and that's no joke, physically and emotionally I am at my wit's end with the PCOS, the IR, and all that goes with it.

wyocop2000 · 06-10-2006, 07:00 AM

i ALWAYS feel like that deep down-but some days are better then others.... my sis had FIVE abortions before getting married and having her SECOND son..(she has a 5 ye olw boy also from an ex) he was born on 5-15-06 and we went back to jersey on 5-17 to be there .....

It's hard-i can't help but feel why is it the people who don't have a prob getting preg. don't realize the gift? but i have learned life's too short to think like that-i morn the babies that didn't happen more then her-and they would have been hers.....and she has no clue....but if i go around with that attitude where would i be?
i thank God EVERY morning for my DD-where would i be w/out her-and if i never have another life growing inside me at least i was fortunate enough to experience it once-
i too get so fed up w/ the b*llsh*it....doing what i have to to loose the weight/control the insulin and still i struggle....but my "disease" is part of why i am who i am today-i am more compassionate/more "understanding" and i wouldn't trade it for anything....as messed up as that sounds. Even on the bad days.....i am trying so hard to get preg. again-and see every day people who didn't want it or need it and it happened but jealousy/hate is like a cancer-if you let it it will eat you alive. Please try and be positive-look for the good and what you have learned before loooking at the problems/trials you are facinig-i truely believe that everything happens for a reason and you will find if it you look hard enough-
what is "wrong w/ you" isn't anything that you did-it's what was given to you and finding an outlet (soulcysters) was just part of what was meant to help...we all feel like you do somedays-even if we don't admit it-and there is something said for "what doesn't/won't kill you will only make you stronger"-i know right now that doesn't mean much but it will.....

If i don't believe that i don't know what would become of me...

SurrenderedCyster · 06-10-2006, 07:22 AM

Thanks. We all have things to battle with, I understand that. Tonight I am just SO overwhelmed, tomorrow is a new day, I just had to vent, and I don't like griping so bad. I get in those really negative states, where I can't how life will ever be good again. What is getting me the most is just the pain in my abdomen, it's on again off again.
God bless you for sharing what you did, it is so hard to be postive sometimes, life is so short, and sometimes I think I know what I need when I really don't know jack, and I am truly powerless over people, places, and things. I have a lot of forgiving to do in my heart as well.
Anyway, you have a good weekend and thanks SC for letting me vent.

06-10-2006, 02:13 PM

A punching bag is not such a bad idea.

Otherwise something I have tried when I'm just so FULL of emotion and pain is write down really angry stuff on paper - you can write EXACTLY what you think of yourself, the situation, your mum, your husband whatever. Swear words the lot.

Then tear it up whilst saying some really bad words !!!

sleepydumpling · 06-11-2006, 02:21 AM

You know one thing I've discovered helps when I get like that?

Let go of everything for awhile. Just an hour or so at least. Go make your bed/sofa all comfy, make yourself a nice snack (it's winter here so skim milk hot chocolate is my comfort snack of choice at the moment), and nest yourself in for an hour or so with a favourite CD and a book or a loved DVD. Just for an hour or so. Concentrate only on the book/music/movie.

It really helps slow the brain down from that manic pacing it does in times like this, and gives you an energy rest, if nothing else. It doesn't make it all go away, but at least it gives you a rest.

And I do come here and talk to my cysters, who always understand!

Kath

Gunnie · 06-11-2006, 04:03 AM

I have been so deeply depressed for so long. I have a mentally ill adult son that can't get a job and that I have to deal with every day. I work as a probation officer, so I deal with 60 other people's emergencies all day, and then I come home to a son that can't remember to shut the front door and leaves it wide open in the 100 degree heat. On top of that, the agency that I work for has policies and procedures that don't coincide with reality and what happens on a daily basis, so when I sometimes get ready to walk out the door, I find myself having to file paperwork or go make a field contact before getting to go home and sometimes that is hours later. We are basically told we will receive disciplinary action for anything that doesn't follow policy, and the circumstances behind the situation is not a consideration. I have panic attacks, but no one knows. I hide it very well. Sometimes I honestly think I am gonna drop dead at any given moment from the stress.

I tell my doctor about needing to go back on something, and she has only been my doctor for a year and a half, so she wants me to take stuff that is mild and didn't work the first time I took it. I just quit talking about it. Because I don't act hysterical all the time, no one realizes how severe it is. Thank God I have a fantastic husband at my side to help me deal with all this.

So what I'm trying to say here, is you are not alone, and you have a lot of cysters here for you. Your therapist sounds very dedicated to helping you feel better, and probably sees your family as the cause for a lot of your problems. He/she probably thinks that any progress you have made will be going down the tubes because of the influence of your family, and it may not be time for that yet. You may not be at a point in your progress where this extra time with your family members is a good thing. You hang in there, and I hope you get better soon.

Alter Incognito · 06-11-2006, 06:53 AM

I get like that usually a week and a half to two weeks after I have a period, which I'm feeling like this right now (the discomfort and pressure around "you-know-where" blows as well). I don't feel that way always around that time, sometimes I feel like that the whole month, other times I don't at all.

When I get in my dark moods, I think of how much of a failure I am. I'm everything that I loathe about other people -- uneducated, gauche, ignorant. It's embarrassing, I'm better than that, yet that is what I am. I notice every hair on my face, like I can count each and every one of them; my gray hairs seem to be magnifyed, it's black hair, then, *pow*, a whole bunch of grey hair at my temple. My eyes look puffier and uglier, I need an eye lift, they're so unattractive. My lips are okay, rather in porportion, but I wish they were more evenly colored. My breasts are too big, and getting bigger the more weight I gain, I've gone from a 42 DD I was in high school to a 42 F; my ideal breast size would be 34 C. I wish I had a more curvaceous body. I'm just a big blob of fat, besides my breasts, I'm shaped like a husky 12 year old boy.

I can't take care of myself, I'm dependent on my mother, and she's getting old. Not only is that situation embarrassing, but it's scary, because she's getting older.

Eh, it's so horrible, this whole life. I look awful, I'm stupid and I'm unable to do day-to-day activities without being prompted. It makes me want to puke.

SurrenderedCyster · 06-11-2006, 07:28 AM

Cysters! (((HUG!))) I feel for all of us! I just keep trying to remember one foot in front of the other.
Jane - your idea was great lol
Kath - thanks, 'me' time is a guilt trip, I will learn how to take care of me.
Gunnie - you hang in there too! Yes, I am very blessed with a therapist who really has my best interest in mind, knowing everything about the family, and getting to know the 'real' me as time goes on. Your post makes such good sense re: the family and my progress, I'm speechless, I couldn't have said it better. I may not be at a point in my progress where this extra time with my family members is a good thing.
Ai -hang in there! I can relate, everything seems to be magnified at times like this.
Thanks so much for being here cysters and being you, and if I can be here for any of you too, just holler. I'm really speechless, just thinking about how difficult it is to endure life sometimes, yet we know we're going in the right direction I guess, and it helps so much to just have people to talk to in cyberspace and to listen while we 'post' our hearts out really.

sleepydumpling · 06-11-2006, 10:59 AM

No guilt for taking care of yourself girls, how can you take care of all of the things you have to deal with if you're not making sure you can function first?

kelliet · 06-11-2006, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurrenderedCyster

Thanks so much for being here cysters and being you, and if I can be here for any of you too, just holler.

We do (holler) and you are always right there with hugs and kind words. You are a remarkable support cyster. I hope you are feeling better today.

Kel