I'm 21 and I've been depressed since as far back as I can remember. I have an extremely hard time getting close to anyone for fear of rejection in some form. I would definitely say my appearance (well my perception of it) is preventing me from leading a fullfiling life. I'm constantly worried about saying something stupid, and I rarely leave the house. I don't have the confidence to go out to find a job and make friends. I told an old friend that I have to pluck and shave my face everyday, and that I might have PCOS, and she didn't even really acknowledge it. She's a good person, but I don't think she knew how to console me. Her lack of reaction still hurt though. The only people really in my life on a daily basis are my mother (who had a terrible drug problem when I was growing up and is still a bit of a nutter), and my grandfather.
I'm terrified of getting in relationships. I haven't been in one in nearly four years, and every relationship prior to that was brief because I push guys away. I can't see how any guy could possibly love me, and it seems pointless. I really don't want to be alone though. I would like to have someone to love more than anything.
I keep telling myself that people aren't judging you, and that I'm really not that ugly. I always tell myself that things could be worse. The thoughts just seem to be empty now though. I feel like I'm missing out on my youth. Other people (young and old) are out experiencing life and love, and I'm wasting away. I dropped out of high school because I was so depressed. I got my GED, but I have no desire to go to college and better myself. I seriously do feel like I'm a wasted life.
I'm seeing a therapist, and taking meds, but I still feel frustrated. I guess I just need to vent.
*hugs* it's hard to fight depression and self-esteem issues. it is wonderful that you are seeing a therapist and are on something for your mood- those are both wonderful steps to feeling better.
i, too have noticed myself developing something of a social phobia as my pcos symptoms and weight gain have taken off. it is something i have to actively fight in order to prevent it from taking over my life.
you are NOT a wasted life and you ARE worthy of love and companionship. it's ok to feel frustrated and vent about it.
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have ruined many a potential relationships because I push them away because I feel I am too much of a nut or whatever to date. I feel if I get myself better then I can date, but I know I shouldn't wait for that because I will never be perfect. I really hope you feel better. I can't give much advice since I haven't figured it out yet either. If you ever want anyone to talk to tho I am here. I know it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one. <3 Feel better and Hope things work out for you.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have ruined many a potential relationships because I push them away because I feel I am too much of a nut or whatever to date. I feel if I get myself better then I can date, but I know I shouldn't wait for that because I will never be perfect. I really hope you feel better. I can't give much advice since I haven't figured it out yet either. If you ever want anyone to talk to tho I am here. I know it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one. <3 Feel better and Hope things work out for you.
That's exactly what goes through my mind when I'm with a guy. I'm terrified that he's going to think I'm crazy, once he gets to know the real me. I know that there are other people with intimacy issues, but I've never talked with anyone that understands. It definitely makes me feel a whole lot better to know for sure that I'm not alone in feeling like this.
i know exactly how you feel.. i was afraid to let anyone get close to me.. and by doing that i watched good people walk in and out of my life.. all because i didn't want them to get close to me and know what i was going through day after day.. but i knew that deep down i had to face my fears.. and face the world.. because you know the saying.. don't ever frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.. the way i see it .. when im out in public and people see my facial hair i've learned to not care because chances are they prolly aren't going to see me ever again anyway so why hide.. walk out into the world with your head held up high and be proud of who you are!
I have been where you are now, and I think I go there every now and then. Especially with this disease these thoughts can seem to take over us from time to time. I am happily married to such an amazing supportive man and I had one whole year where I had a hard time letting him love me. I would fill my head with thoughts of why he shouldn't love me, he weighs less than me, I'm hairier than him, He should be with some other beautiful girl. And all along all he wanted was his happy wife back. He was not wishing for those things at all. Moral of the story is, I would strongly advise you to not worry about guys and relationships right now, you need to love yourself first. Find the best things about you and let them grow. You are a beautiful writing skill and ability to express yourself and sounds like you have the capacity to care for others so much. I too wish I had spent less time worrying about what people thought of me and let those people love me.
My religion has really helped me get these negative thought out of my head through prayer and just seeing myself how God sees me. And there were times when I would be too self concious to go to church. Take baby steps and step outside of your comforst zone slowly and be the first to speal, talk to people at grocery stores and in lines and just imagine that outspoken person that you want to be and just start being it. I have been very overwieght and I have been pretty small, and these self esteem issues never changed with my appearnace, they only change when I learn to love me, not just my body.
I feel your pain, and really hope that you can feel better! I hope this helps, I just know exactly how you feel.
P.S. Once you love yourself, people just want to be around you and you will have no problem keeping people in your life cause who cares if they find out your crazy? you'll love that crazy part of yourself and you'll attract someone who love you for it too!
Lindsay
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It's kind of weird to say this but I'm so glad that you shared all your weaknesses because I have every single one of them, and now I know for sure that I am not alone. And just knowing that is pretty reassuring.
If that avatar is you, then really, you have no worries because you are beautiful. I'm serious. I know how hard it is to learn that. I still look in the mirror and see a troll some days, but really, I know I'm not ugly. It's the thoughts in my head that do it, that make me feel repulsive and undesirable. I tell myself that I'm weird or psychotic or creepy, that no one wants to talk to me, that the things I have to say just aren't good enough and that I'm better off alone because this way no one will be bothered by me. I have all these horrible thoughts constantly running through my head in a steady commentary that sends me into panic attacks and bouts of depression.
But you have to realize that they're just thoughts. And the main thing is, its all in your head. In reality, people don't notice anything wrong with you. They are genuinely looking for the best in you because that's what they want done for them. And if anyone makes you feel like poo then they really are not worth your time anyway.
I'm seeing someone now and I'm trying my hardest to not let these thoughts get in the way. And it scares me too that he'll see just how emotionally damaged I am and he'll be turned off. But it's all about what you give them, and what you give yourself. Give yourself a break. Like the pp said, loving yourself is the first step. I'm still working on it, but I see that its possible. Its just a matter of overcoming that fear.
I'm sort of a nerd, but this one thing that sort of inspired me from the science fiction novel, Dune:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Yeah, it's nerd-speak, but it's valid. I'm 20 years old, in college, and letting my college experience go by. I'm not going to parties or joining clubs or doing anything to build a resume. This semester has been disappointing. But I'm trying so hard to take it a day at a time. To not let my fear run my life. Ruin it either. It's slow coming, but I feel better with each day that I put myself out there. I tell myself that anyway. Positive thoughts are what we need most of all, so try to be positive, even if it is only about little things, like, "My butt looks really good in these jeans."
I've written a lot (I always seem to lol) but I hope you understand that you aren't alone, that you aren't a reject, and that you have everything going for you. You just have to give yourself the chance. Smile. Someone's going to smile back.
One more inspirational quote that I have sitting right above my computer as a positive reminder:
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one."
-Elbert Hubbard
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I've felt so much better after reading these responses to know that I'm not the only one that has experienced these emotions. I don't know if it's the meds, or this board, or the combination of the two, but I seriously feel so much better. I know it's going to take alot of time and work, but I honestly believe I can get through this!
I know exactly how you feel and have gone through the same thing myself and still do. If ever someone expresses an interest, I'm immediately on guard. I feel like I have to monitor everything I say/do for fear that they'll find something immediately wrong with me...just like I do...and run the other way or something. And I know that that's crazy, but even in knowing that it's irrational thinking, I still do it. You're not alone though, as much as it sucks to go through, but I'm in the same boat.
__________________ Finally diagnosed: 3/17/08
-after almost a 10 yr battle w/ doctors
New meds:
-Wellbutrin
-Yasmin
-Spiro
(may be put back on Met but not till after another GTT)
Hard to get close to anyone 
I also know how you feel. 
