This is hard for me to write...

WhitneyG · 04-25-2009, 03:53 AM

I am a young (20) married woman to a wonderful man, but I am very confused. When I was 6 years old, I found my father's Hustler magazines, and masturbated looking at them (I didn't really think of it as a sexual thing at the time).. I have always looked at women that way, especially in pornography. I know I am deeply attracted to my husband but I am extremely attracted to women sexually.

What is really confusing is a little over a year ago, my best friend died. She was not only my best friend.. but sort of my lover I guess you could say. When we were in middle school and high school we would sort of mess around with each other and giggle.. in our older years, we were a bit more explicit, but never passed fingering and we always blew it off as joking. She moved in with my husband and me 6 months before she died.. we always made out and flirted.. held hands, etc. even then. I knew it upset my husband so I held back a lot of my feelings. Now that she is dead, I feel so empty. Its like my soul mate was taken away from me.. she was the only person that could make me smile and laugh when I was feeling down.. she made me so happy all of the time!

What is really confusing in this mess is that, before she died, I thought I had sexual feelings for her, and separate, deep friendship feelings for her.. now I realize (or I think I realize) that these feelings were much deeper.. I yearn for a relationship with a female and I don't know if I want one sexual or not.. I love my husband to bits and I am so utterly completely confused. Before this realization, I just thought that I was sexually attracted to women because we are bombarded with over-sexualized females everyday and I figured everyone was pretty much the same way. now I think I am emotionally attracted to females.. I pretty much hate all males (except for my husband) because they are so sexist and cheat on their girlfriends, wives, go to strip clubs, etc... they are violent and I just can't stand them!

I don't know what to think or what to do.. I am absolutely helplessly confused. Please help!!!

Naymarie · 04-25-2009, 11:08 AM

I too am married; but crave such relationship that you describe. Sometimes it makes my husband hurt because I don't always want what he has, persay. The touch of a woman is so different than the touch of a man even though a person can be pleased from both. Also you should know that confusion comes with bisexuality - it's yet another aspect of confusion in life just like PCOS is. Eventually people get the hang of things, or so I'm told. You just have to know what you want in life. It's one of those things that I tend to think a lot about on a long drive to where I can just sit and relax. If you have personal questions don't hesitate to msg me privately.

Take care hon

WhitneyG · 04-25-2009, 03:16 PM

Thanks for the comforting words Renee. I don't want to hurt my husband.. I know its not fair to him, but it feels like a part of me is missing. I don't know if that is simply because my friend is gone or that I want, in particular, a relationship with a woman. I know if I ever left my DH, I would feel the same way so that is not the answer for me. I think about it often, like you said, when I am alone. I also feel a lot of my strong feelings are due to PCOS and the excess male hormones.. but I can't say for sure. It is so weird to be bisexual because I am not in the position (nor would I ever want to be) to be with both genders at the same time, so its always like there is something missing. Anyway, thank you so much for your reply.. its nice to know I am not the only confused married female out there. *hugs*

mkkelly · 04-25-2009, 05:32 PM

It is completely understandable that you are deeply hurt. You've lost someone who meant the world to you, and she is irreplaceable. My best friend, she doesn't believe in soulmates in romatic relationships, but she always tells me that i am her soulmate. Best friends are this rediculously, irreplaceable, part of who you are. You have lost a part of yourself. And it seems, found something from it all. A woman woman relationship, even platonic, can be extremely intense and wonderful. And as much as i love men (which i do- there are some great guys in my life) i just find myself longing for the type of relationship a lesbian connection allows me to have.

I understand not wanting to hurt your husband. I imagine that he is someone you love dearly. Before i came out, i always thought that i wouldn't need to come out because i thought that i could be happy enough with a boy. But, honestly that isn't fair for either of you. You deserve completely and utter, delerious happiness. You deserve to be overwhelmingly content. And all of this confusion might hurt your husband, but, to me i would imagine it to be just as painful for him for you to love someone else more than you love him.

I'm not trying to say you sound like a lesbian, or that you sound bisexual. That is something that's going to take a ton of time for you to decide and might change over time. You are the only one that is going to know what feels right for you. What makes you happy. Finding yourself, who ever you might be, is the hardest thing about living. But there is a reward in finding yourself.

And all i have to say about the extra hormones is that, perhaps it isn't true for you, but when people tell me that i always think it sounds like a bit of an excuse. I don't understand how you could be attracted to a female because of extra hormones- i think you have to have been orginally attracted to women, and perhaps the hormones increased it, or made you more aware of it, but do you think that the actual attraction to women was a part of you from the beginning? from your first post, it sounds like it was.

WhitneyG · 04-26-2009, 12:39 AM

Thanks for the response Kelly. I am always looking for an excuse.. maybe its the hormones? maybe I am not really emotionally attracted to women, just sexually? There are so many times I do make these excuses because it is hard to face reality. I don't have anything against lesbians or gays, it is just that in my personal situation, it would be truly hard if I was a lesbian.

I just miss everything about our relationship.. I miss her making me smile and laughing and just being so happy around her.. but I think that even if I found a woman to be with, I would not have these feelings again. She just had that something and I can't explain it, but we were just so right for each other.. I am crying right now as I write this because I feel so incredibly lonely without her. yet my husband has supported me through all of this.. and I love him dearly.. I am still very much sexually attracted to him but he can't make me feel how she did.

It all seems like a lose/lose situation.. if she was truly my soul mate, there is no one else out there for me (I do believe in soul mates). My husband told me, if I needed to make a choice, to start dating other women but I don't want to be unfaithful to him, even if he gives me the okay. He knows about my struggling with attraction to other women and he was the first to say.. "I think I know why it hurt you so much when Roxie died. You lost your soul mate." And I just hadn't thought of it like that til he said it, then it kind of clicked.

Ever since her death (which was very sudden and violent and on Christmas night, nonetheless), I have just been extremely depressed.. I love my husband very much, but I feel I can't give him as much love as I could when she was alive. I just don't know. I realize I have to take it one day at a time.. but the last thing I want to do his hurt my hubby.

elocinintherain · 04-26-2009, 01:14 AM

First of all, I just want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is natural, and even if you hadn't had sexual feelings for her, the loss of a dear friend is something that still cuts us to the quick and causes us to rethink things in life.
Secondly, have you ever heard of polyamory? Polyamory is a term that is used to describe the ability to love more than one person at a time. It is possible to love your husband and to have loved/love your friend at the same time.
I think that you need to be completely honest with yourself and your husband. Tell him what you are feeling, and how much you are missing your friend. Go to counseling to help with the grieving process if you need to. If you really still feel the need to be with a woman, tell your husband that you are going to look for a girlfriend/female sexual partner. He doesn't need to be involved, but you need to be completely honest. If I were you, I wouldn't do anything rash, like divorce, just yet. It is possible that you are so hurt by the loss of your friend that you are not thinking clearly. Either way, I wish you luck.

mkkelly · 04-26-2009, 03:43 AM

I agree with the person above. I'm not trying to through creditentials out there, but i'm majoring in death studies at university- The way you are reacting is completely normal. Something like this is tragic, especially since it sounds like she was helping you feel things that no one else was capable of. This isn't going to go way, you will always hurt because of this. It sucks, but its true. Years from now you will look back and it will still be painful. That pain is what it costs to fall in love. I strongly encourage you to look at counselling- there are tons of support groups or individuals you could talk to who might help you make more sense of all this. but if you ever want to talk- feel free to message me.
wishing you peace-
mk.

WhitneyG · 04-26-2009, 05:14 AM

elocinintherain- You are right.. when she first died I was, of course, extremely hurt.. the only other person that could have died and caused me that much pain is my own husband. That being said, I didn't even think of my attraction to her as sexual after she died (I seemed to have phased that whole part of our relationship out, even though it was a very prominent part).

I have heard of polyamory, but I never really thought of it applying to me. Now that you said it, it makes perfect sense. If I think of it that way, it really helps a lot of my confusion.. I was thinking, do I really love my husband, or did I really and truly love her that way? You are right, it is possible to love two people at the same time.

I haven't been thinking of divorce, per se. He did mention that I can find a female partner to work out my feelings. It is a step I really want to take but I am just scared. I have cheated on my husband with three different people (all because of self-esteem issues, not really the actual need or want for sex) and afterwards I have torn myself up over it. He is such an amazing man to stick with me through everything I have been through. I just don't want to feel like that again.. I guess I will tell him I am ready to take that step and find a female sexual partner and see how it works out.

Thanks again for your help. All of you are such sweethearts.. this is something I have been holding in for awhile and it is nice to be able to talk about it here.

mkkelly- I know I really and truly should be going to counselling. Its bad when 1 1/2 years later I cry almost every day when I think that she is gone. I know I will never get over it, but I do need to learn how to deal with my loss. I know it might sound normal but I feel incredibly over-sensitive to the subject. I also have severe OCD and I think I am become obsessed with her death (and actually death in general.. I am constantly afraid those around me are going to die.) Anyway, thank you so much.. if I ever need to talk I will be sure to e-mail you. I really appreciate you guys helping me with this. If anything, it is a relief to talk about it.

firefighters wife · 04-27-2009, 02:41 PM

I have a similar issue. I'm actually engaged and the date is set. We're getting married in September. He knows that I'm bi. We've been together for a lil over 2 yrs now. And he also knows about my feelings for my best friend. But we were actually in a relationship b4. And now she's my maid-of-honor. So now I've really gotten myself in a pickle. I love Chris with all my heart. But I to feel that missing part. Me and her rarely talk now cuz of my feelings for her. My family doesnt know that I'm bi and its completely against my religion but I can't just turn it off. I don't miss the sexual part of our relationship as much as I miss her touch. She always held my hand and kissed the back of my hand for no reason at all. I miss the sincerity in her voice. I love her laugh! And her smile! And EVERYTHING about her! We split about 2 and a half years ago and I can't stop thinking about her. And Chris knows. He knows my feeliings for her are deep and forever. And he supports me. Have u ever watched "Imagine Me & You"? In the end of the movie, Hec tells his wife, Rachel, after he has figured out that she's in love with a woman, that what hurts is that she loves her more and he cant stand in the way. Or somethin like that. And I'm always scared that my feelings will get to be too much for Chris and he will leave. Even though he says that he would never do that. But then the whole religion issue comes n2 play and I have to just try to turn that part of me completely off.

stillconfused · 05-05-2009, 01:52 PM

I just had to reply and tell you my story. First off, I'm very sorry for you loss... I seriously couldn't imagine the pain you are going through.

I'm soon to be 34, married with two kids. I'm in love with my best friend (another women), we are having an affair. Which i know is soooo wrong, but the feelings I have for her, I can't explain, the deep emeotional connection can't be replicated, the physical connection is unimanginable. Everything you described about how you felt about your best friend, is exactly the way I feel about this women. I feel my life wouldn't be a life without her, she truely is my soul mate. I didn't exactly believe in soul mates until I met her and the connection I feel is something that I could never explain to anyone.

All that being said, my life sucks. I'm a stay at home mom, that is living with a man that I don't love, at one point I did, but I don't think the love I felt for him could ever compare to the love I feel for my "girlfriend". I'm stuck here until I can get a decent job to support my kids. My husband and I have talked and we know the marriage is over, but i'm still living this LIE, he doesn't know about her and I as lovers, he assumes she is just my friend. Living like this is sucks... I see her almost everyday and I long to live my life with her, to be out in the open with our relationship to be able to call her anytime I want, to see her anytime I want, to make love to her without having to hurry up or thinking we are gonna get caught.

So my only advice is to be yourself, don't question your feelings they are true they are there. Not being yourself isn't a way to live. I can understand you love your husband and don't want to hurt him. I comend you realizing this about yourself early on. I which I would have recognized who I was a lot earlier in life.