Hard Times Have Come ... Trying Hard To Keep The Faith

FaeSpirit · 11-01-2007, 08:02 PM

So much of my life has turned upside down since August 5th its making my head spin fast.

My husband and I split the morning of August 5th, (this year). It honestly was a long time coming and I think we both have realized that we started to lose sight of each other and our marriage. We were badly taking for granted many of the little things we shared that made us so very magical.

It's even harder now, as he shares his life with his new GF and her two children. But if we are to re-build the friendship that we once had, I must accept the fact that he has a new person in his life. It's been heart wrenching and I have cried so many nights.

Jay and I have had many talks since then and we have actually have had a break through just recently. He admitted to me that he he was scared about working on the marriage and he tucked tail and ran the other direction and into the arms of another, someone he first meet 5 years ago, someone I made him choose between me and her.

But because of recent events, we have been able to sit down and talk and we have come to realize, that even though it's really hard right now, we both feel in our hearts and souls we are truly meant to be, but neither of us are in any state to work on our marriage, we don't have a friendship right now. We need to work on that. It's killing us both inside, but as much as we know we are being tested for our strength and our abilities to overcome this major obstacle in our way, it's sometimes hard to feel strong and lose faith a little.

I was in the hospital for a week at the end of September and was diagnosed with Gential Herpes. Being in the hospital scared the dickens out of me and that's when I realized that it wasn't only Jay's fault our marriage crumbled, but it was mine as well. That's when our serious talks started. Being in the hospital also made me realize it's no longer effect to keep quiet about the awful thing that happened to me 3.5 months before I met Jay. I was raped. We were able to trace back to that time of when I came in contact with the Herpes Complex virus, as it was soon after I met Jay that smaller symptoms of the virus came into play, but because I had known about having my PCOS, I just chalked it up to that and didn't think anything else of it. I had taken all the STD panels they had at the time when I was raped and I came up clean. I was 17 and didn't know any better.

I have been trying so very hard to keep my Faith strong and whole, but sometimes I can't help but question, why are the Goddess and God doing this to me? But then I think, They don't put me through things that They know I wouldn't be able to handle. Let me tell you, They are really pushing me on how strong I really am. It hurts, but I also look forward to the rainbow at the other end of this hard path set before me.

Well this is pretty much the short version, as the longer one is more complicated. I just needed to put my thoughts into words. Thank you for taking the time to read and to understand.

Brightest Blessings to everyone!

Anonykat · 11-09-2007, 06:28 PM

I have quite different religious beliefs than you, but I hated to see such a heartfelt post go unanswered. I just wanted you to know someone read and understood every word.

Quote:

we both feel in our hearts and souls we are truly meant to be, but neither of us are in any state to work on our marriage, we don't have a friendship right now.

This is so sad, and I wish he'd either "poop or get off the pot", as my grandma would have said. It's not fair for him to have a girlfriend, yet tell you that you're the one he's meant to be with, but just not right now. He needs to decide.

Would he consider going to counseling with you?

You've had a tough year, with the loss of a baby, discovering you have herpes, and now your marriage is dissolving. I can't imagine dealing with all of that. I hope 2009 brings new hope, new possibilities, and new joy.

Anonykat · 11-09-2007, 10:51 PM

And 2008, too.

(Laughing at myself, for not knowing what year it is, not at you.)

sissy lou · 11-09-2007, 11:12 PM

I, too, read your thread and I feel your pain. Several times, in the 5 years dh and I have been married, we have considered calling it quits. Our supportive families, our supportive church, and our faith in Jesus Christ and God are what got us through. We did seek counseling and that helped a LOT. I agree that you should seek couples counseling. I think it would help, if not repair your marriage, at least your friendship and YOUR (meaning your not his) heart. (((((HUGS)))))

Sis

JSTysinger · 11-10-2007, 12:56 AM

I read your thread and really felt for you, but it wasn't until you spoke of your rape that I could say that I understood some of the pain you feel. I too went through that experience, but it was in January of 1990. I just wanted to share with you that it affected my relationships with men drastically. It took me 11 years to let go of the pain, hate, and anger. I had friends that prayed with me January 2001 for God to take that from me. I realize now how it affected everyone that I tried to have a relationship with, the poor choices I made, and how much that anger destroyed each.

God taught me empathy through my experience that I could not have without it. I can't truly understand your pain, since each rape is different, but I know what that loss means. I can also tell you that a strong faith and help are needed. Please talk with someone that can help you deal with this.

Also, couples therapy is a great suggestion. Your husband needs to either work on this marriage with you or stop baiting you with "meant to be togethers". Regardless, though, of whether or not you go to couples therapy, please seek out a support group for rape survivors. Also, if you start in one group and it is not for you, get into another one. I never found the one I needed because I gave up too easy, but I would hate to see you make the mistakes I did for 11 years before Jesus Christ sent people to me to truly help see how He could set me free.

My husband was actually one of those friends that prayed for me that night. We started dating about 4 months later and are very strong in our relationship. However, we would have never been able to be together if God had not had the opportunity to work in both of our lives.

I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your husband. I hope that healing comes to you soon.

FaeSpirit · 11-10-2007, 01:46 AM

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Anonykat. It gave me a good chuckle myself, something I think was desperately needed! It's OK to have different religious views, as long as someone believes, that's all that matters. As I explained to a very young cousin of mine, I simply stated that the Goddess was God's wife, just like mommy and daddy were husband and wife.

I have suggested couples counselling, but he's not ready for it and I don't think I am either. Yes, it's not fair for him to be in a relationship with another woman while we talk about knowing we are "meant to be". I believe him, but I also believe we both need some individual time to heal and learn how to be happy with ourselves.

If we are truly meant to be as we both feel, God/dess will help us heal and find each other again. For now I am not concentrating on getting my marriage back, right now it's a period of healing for me, inside and out. How can I make a marriage work if I am not happy with myself?

It's really hard because for the first time ever my head and heart are clashing together. I was always one to let my spirit, heart and senses guide me thru my life, now with fear and doubt in my thoughts and mind, it's been really really tough.

Thank you again for your replies, it means a lot to know that some do understand the pain and hurt I am going thru right now.

FaeSpirit · 11-29-2007, 04:57 AM

Hello Ladies,

Well, many things have happened since my last post and many more things have been talked about.

Jay will be filing for legal seperation soon. That stung when he told me, but I understand his reasonings behind it. It made my heart jump, but he reassured me that a divorce will never happen. A positive I think?

I was talking to an old friend of mine and he felt kinda bummed out, because he has met this great girl that he has connected with on all levels. He asked me if I ever felt that way and I told him, yeah I have. I married him. He was like, "well that didn't turn out the best now didn't it?". I had to chuckle. Somehow I was able to inspire some Faith in him.

Jay pointed out many of the harsh things I had done over the last year and I can see his points loud and clear and it hurt me so bad to know that I caused that kind of pain towards my husband. He was starting to believe I was having an emotional affair with another man. I had been talking with a friend of Jay's oldest brother and when we talked it would be for hours, like 7 in the morning kinda hours. But the thing was I never once talked about my life or anything with this guy, unless I used something in my life as a reference. He had been coming to me to help him with his problems. I guess I never really saw it from Jay's side. He had felt like I was disconnecting from him.

So as much as Jay and I believe we are meant to be together, that doesn't mean it's going to be smooth sailing. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to make a union of any kind to work. If you don't, then there will be a bust up. I have to take accountability for my own faults in the marriage just as must as Jay needs too.

For the longest time I was afraid that his new GF would replace me in all aspects. But looking back with all the deep talks that Jay and I have had. I am no longer afraid. I know she will never replace me in his heart or his life. She's too psycho for that to ever happen and no I am not saying that as a vengeful wife either (believe me there's a huge back story to that!).

With letting go of and overcoming my fears, I also am learning to forgive myself of the wrongs I caused in my marriage. If I can't forgive myself, how can I truly forgive Jay in his wrongs? I am learning to live my life as an adult. Jay and I had been together since I was just shy of 18 years old, we were both kids and I never fully got the chance to live on my own and make it.

One day, I know Jay and I will be able to work on and be in our marriage again. But, I am in a position to truly find myself and heal. Once I was letting my fears control everything and now I am not fearful anymore. I never knew that being free of your fears could be so liberating!

Thank You for "listening" to my late night babble!

Many Blessings!

PollySis · 11-29-2007, 12:40 PM

Fellow pagan replying.

Aw, you've been through the mill, eh? You sound like a very intelligent and considered person and whatever happens, ultimately, you will be fine as you're strong and getting stronger, I sense. You also seem very clear headed and that is so admirable, and so hard to do.

Your faith will stay intact, and get stronger, am sure. My own marriage broke up even though we remained best friends, and still worked together for the sake of our kids, and although I had a new partner and eventually, two kids with him, DH and I never got round to divorcing. One day we were all out together with the kids at the seaside and I looked up the beach and saw my then ex-husband and my new partner stood together and thought really clearly *There's the man I love and the man I used to love* only they were the wrong way round... my new partner was the one I no longer loved! Anyway long story short but despite my having 2 kids with someone else, we ended up back together and are still married. We met 27 years ago, and were apart 5 years in the middle.

I hope that gives you hope.

Things may change and you may meet someone else. The gods work in their own ways, eh?

Had a bad year with 2 loved ones (including my dad who I was extremely close to) dying but I didn't lose my beliefs - just put them on a backburner, mentally. And I think that's OK with the Lord and Lady. The wheel turns, love.

FaeSpirit · 11-29-2007, 08:23 PM

Thanks Polly!

You have given me so much hope! I do believe that Jay and I are meant to be together. It's really hard to explain it. It's more than just simply "being in love" with him. My fears have stood in the way long enough and I have broken free of them and I never knew that what should have been so clear to me was beginning to get "lost" in my mind of fears. No more of that I tell ya!

I know that when the time is right, Jay and I will be guided back into each other's lives and marriage. I have to believe that otherwise all that I believe in is lost. I don't like being lost.

Maddinc36 · 12-09-2007, 10:32 AM

Hi, Keep the faith and even when you don't like it, feel like it, or don't want to do it, keep pushing forward, and believe that GOD will restore your husbands heart, and yours to be together again. You and he have to build a strong foundation in order for somethting to take place. Build a trust/friendship together. Accept responsbility for the demise of your half of the marriage and move forward. I was in a very similar situation, and at times it seemed as if nothing was happening or that we were just doomed to file for divorce, but GOD worked on the both of us.

In all honesty it's not somethong that will happen from one day to the next so wisdom and patience is needed, but I will pray for you and your husband. Believe that all thing's through Jesus is possible no matter what your look like circumstances are right now!

Good bless you and your husband.

FaeSpirit · 12-29-2007, 11:54 PM

Thank you Maddinc for your kind words!

Well, we have filed for Legal Seperation. I never knew how hard that could be. But, as I grow stronger in my own sense of self and know in my heart and soul that what I am doing for me is right, I know that our future will be brighter as time goes on and I work on the things I need to personally work on (and vice versa ofcourse!). While I was happy with Jay, I am beginning to realize, that really, I wasn't happy with myself. I need to find my happiness and not let a relationship (no matter how strong the connections and bonds we share), be the be all and end all of my existence.

Here's to 2008 being a bigger, better and brighter year!