Hardcore Hurting

ScreamingBeauty · 09-06-2007, 12:22 AM

where to start really? I'm pretty new to the board. My doctors had thought i had PCOS since i was 12 but didnt confirm it for sure until a few years ago. I have had type 1 and type 2 diabetes since i was 9. I started suffering from depression when i was 12 which ended up being bipolar when i was around 15 or 16. its hard to remember sometimes when i got what.

I was just hoping there was someone out there with a similar history. I don't know if the PCOS and the Bipolar are linked but a lot of the time the depression part is more overwhelming because of the PCOS.

I work with kids which usually brings me so much joy but lately it breaks my heart. I have been TTC since Jan and in March i stopped getting my period all together. its really taking its toll on me. I worked with a 7 month old boy a few weeks ago and everytime i touched him i felt physical pain. I had the same today with a 6 year old girl who insisted upon laying on me while we watched movies. Does anyone else ever feel that? I love kids and love my work so much. I am so lucky to be doing what makes me happy but lately i feel like maybe it's not right for me because it physically hurts at times because of the emotion and longing for my own child.

None of my friends understand. Tons of them have babies they never wanted, or have abortions. I see some of my friends abusing their bodies while they're pregnant. its actually ruined one of my closest friendships. Someone help me...Perhaps if there is anyone in the Boston area we could become friends?

deb_e_deb26 · 09-06-2007, 12:48 AM

I worked in child care for many many years, always loved it and found such joy...BUt not long after being diagnosed, I had to give it up. I was losing my patience and feeling really jealous and angry towards the parents (and the world in general) because back then, I didnt know IF I could have babies!!( my twins are clomid babies.....so we needed treatments, but were very lucky to conceive on our first treatment option, 2nd round )

I can totally understand your pain and suffering when it comes to this....I think alot of it had to do with depression that kicked in aswell....

I'm sorry you are going through this..I hope and pray that you too will be able to finally have children and bring back that joyous feeling you once got around babies./kids!

BIG HUGS!!

ScreamingBeauty · 09-06-2007, 01:41 AM

thanks for the support. i'm really torn about it these days. i can't imagine myself doing anything else and being good at it really. good luck with the twins!

JennieK · 09-06-2007, 01:59 AM

I completely understand as well. I'm a nurse and work in postpartum with new moms and babies. I just learned I have PCOS, and I'm divorced and age 37 with no children of my own. It does get difficult sometimes! At work, I try not to think about it. During the day, I'm okay because it's so hectic and busy. It's more diffiuclt when I get home and think about my day. I desperately want kids, too. I have also been diagnosed as being bipolar, which I've found just adds to the depression of the PCOS. You're not alone. I couldn't go on BCP right now to clear up my face, because I found out it depletes my serotonin and added to the depression. I've also had problems with the Aldactone. It seems like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. All I can say is don't give up. I hope you will be blessed with a little one someday, as I hope that I will. Take care!

Kathy2579 · 09-06-2007, 06:50 PM

I am a teacher and have 4 MC's I live in the Boston area. I will PM you how to get intouch with me if you want.

I feel it all the time. When a friend has a new baby or I can't handle my kids. It is very normal. It is hard at times. You are doing an excelent thing working with children.

HUGS

Ella831 · 09-06-2007, 06:51 PM

I understand your pain. For me I use to love to babysit our friends kids and now I don't do that anymore.It just got too painful. Then when my sister got pregnant with her first baby two years ago I thought I would die from the physical pain in my heart.Then when she had my cute little nephew for the first few months it was very hard for me when I would hold him and then come home my arms would physically ache for my own child. Now my sis.just had her second baby and this time it was easier for me. Don't get me wrong I still want to be a mommy so badly,but I decided to not watch other peoples kids except my nephew and neice. I enjoy being involved in their lives so much and they are such a part of mine and my husbands lives.It is not the same as us having our own children but they are the children we don't have right now. I do understand the physical pain you are feeling. It might be good for you to take a break from working with children for awhile. For me when I would watch our friends kids it was a constant reminder to me of how I wasn't a mommy. So maybe a break would be good for you.
I understand your depression as well for the first 5years of knowing I have PCOS I was completely depressed I cried so much I could of filled buckets daily. Now PTL!!!I am not suffering with depression.For me personally I had to come to terms with and deal with the reality I may not ever have kids or at least biological kids.Once I could wrap my arms around that and be okay my depression slowly faded.Yes,I still long to be a mommy and trust God that one day it will happen. Until then I take each day at a time and find the joys in it. If I am feeling sad b/c I am not a mommy yet then I tell myself to make a list of all the reasons why not being a mommy yet is positive(sleep in when I want,my hubby and I can go out when we want no babysitter needed)things like that.I believe that whatever situation we are in in our lives we can find three positive things about it.We may not like it but we can find positive things about it.
Hang in there. You are not alone and we are hear to talk and help carry your load.God Bless!!!

ScreamingBeauty · 09-06-2007, 10:32 PM

that you so much for all the wisdom filled words! i do spend a lot of time as well looking at the positives to not having kids. its hard though sometimes because i already barely have a social life so that reason doesn't always work. but at least i could have one...if i wanted maybe. or maybe not. lol.

i often think about taking a break from childcare but it's the only job i've ever really loved. i'm not so great at much else. i'm getting married next year so my fiancee and i are tryna save up as much money as possible so sadly right now i can't risk being without a job.

take care of yourself!