The hardest part is...

jennynd · 09-03-2006, 10:45 AM

What have you found to be the most difficult thing about being an adoptive or foster parent?

DH & I have been talking about both of these as future possibilities for us. Just wanted to get some insight into what kind of challenges we might face. I don't mean to focus on the negative... obviously we wouldn't consider it if that's how we saw it... but just want to be prepared. Thanks ladies!

ravenmisfit · 09-03-2006, 02:22 PM

I can't help with what is hard about being a foster parent or adoptive parent, but I can tell you some of the difficulties that I have had to face with being adopted. I'm sure that feelings and reactions differ from person to person but I'm sure that some are the same. If you adopt I would definitly tell the little one that they are adopted from the time that they are little, my parents did this for me and while I'm sure that I didn't really understand what it ment when I was young I don't remember a time when I did not know that I was adopted. I had a frind that was adopted and her parnets decided not to tell her until they felt that she could understand, which was mid grade school, she didn't believe them at first and then was angry as hell at them for lying to her. I don't think that she ever really trusted them again after that. Also be prepaired for your child(ren) to be curious about their biological family and possibly want to meet them. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you as a parent, and will not be replaced by any relationship that your child has with their biological parent(s). I went through this with my family about 6 years ago when I was 18. They were supportive of my finding my birth mother adn did everything that they could to help me. We now have family gatherings at holidays all together. My Mom told be that she felt that Sherry, my birthmother, shared me with them for 18 years and that it was their turn to share me back with her. I'll never forget that. My parents are my parents, they were the ones that raised me. Those are probably the two biggest things that I can think of right now. If you want to talk or have any questions PM me. Good luck what ever you decide.

Anderia · 09-03-2006, 03:15 PM

Bump... Just wanted to bump this because I'm curious also

Adoption Momma · 09-03-2006, 03:46 PM

I will gladly share. We fostered-to-adopt our two sons. Some of the struggles:

Constantly 2nd guessing if you will ever truly be accepted as their parents.

Watching your child go thru the normal grieving process and wishing you could make it all go away. Not the memories nor the past, just the pain associated with everything.

Knowing the right thing to say when you are asked, "Why can't I see them anymore? Why did they not want to be my mommy and daddy anymore? Will I ever see them again?"

Accepting the fact regardless of the birth parents negligence, they will still hold a special place in my children's hearts.

Staying constantly scared that we will run into the birth family in the store, or they will show up to school events, and all the what-ifs that might make our sons spiral back as we have worked so hard to get them emotionally, mentally, etc to where they are right now.

When we were still fostering having to deal with DCS bull and the hoops you have to jump through for them. They were more concerned about the maternal grandparents feelings than the children. They tried to force us to keep an active relationship with them even though they were a negative influence.

We also had to deal with DCS lying to us and going thru dealing emotionally with not getting custody of their younger two siblings and later (and still now) dealing with them not getting to see their siblings. This is mainly due to the people that adopted their younger brother and sister and the negative opinion they have of our children.

OK, now for the good stuff:

Hearing, "I love you Mommy" for the first time.

Having your son that everyone said refused affection come running and practically knocking you down saying, "Huggies mom huggies!" Or having him crawl up in your lap or snuggle next to you on the bed.

Watching what happens when you give love, time, patience, nurture, guidance and a positive environment to a child and watching him blossom. Everyone thought my oldest son was "stupid" and he is now one of the top spellers in his class and loves to study science and social studies.

Being able to truly say:
"Son, the great thing about our hearts is we don't have to take out people we love when new people come along. Our hearts just grow bigger to make room for more. So it's OK that you still love your birth family and your new family. That's the great thing about love."
or
"When you become an adult, it will be up to you to decide what people you have in your life. But regardless of what decision you make, I will always love you."

Knowing that if you could have biologically created a child, you would still want the same children you have now.

so-tired · 09-03-2006, 06:04 PM

The worst things are really, not that bad. I promise.

~Waiting for the adoption to be finalized. That was a looooong 10 months

~Hearing people's stupid comments. It's rare, but it can be hurtful.

~Worry of birth family interference

Cassandra Gayle · 09-04-2006, 04:08 AM

The worst for me was the wait.. The unknown that we have with our children's bio family, they are international. And well the good out weighs the bad

jennynd · 09-06-2006, 10:18 PM

Thanks ~ these are very helpful tips! Anyone have any tips/advice/opinions on older children (12+)... adopting or foster care? When & if the time comes we'd like to take older kids who otherwise probably won't be 'placed' or adopted by age 18. My parents are very skeptical b/c they think these kids would be the 'troubled' ones. Any opinions? TIA!

Mindijean · 09-07-2006, 02:47 AM

The hardest part about fostering.....the court ordered visitations, and saying goodbye. We've always had babies up until last month, when we took in our 11 year old foster daughter. She should be leaving us next month if things go as planned. We've had no problems with her parent and get along great, so this has been a pleasant experience. Not so with most. We still are in contact with a few of the babies and take them for the weekend sometimes!

I've always said that fostering would be a wonderful experience....if I didn't have to deal with the parents!!

Adoption Momma · 09-07-2006, 11:13 PM

I have a friend who adopted her daughter who was 17 yr old. Yes, some of the older kids in foster care have more issues and some simply aren't able or to a point of changing any negative behaviors. But keep in mind, unless it's a juvenile delinquency situation, no child is in the system due to his or her own actions. So, yes they may act up/out due to lack of positive environment, but I definitely encourage you to consider an older child if the opportunity arises.

Calantha · 09-08-2006, 01:10 AM

We are adopting a waiting child from China.. right now I will say the hardest part is waiting, having no control, knowing WHO my child is, WHERE my child is, seeing pictures of her, hearing stories about her from people who've met her, and having absolutely no power to go to her.

samstars · 09-09-2006, 04:35 AM

We are 2 1/2 weeks from the finalization of our 11 year old son. We had talked about taking only those children under 5 years old when we signed up to be foster to adopt parents. But when our son came into our lives we took it as a sign that he was meant to be ours. He has issues but what 11 year old doesn't...hormones and all...yikes. But you know I still get asked for hugs, I still get kisses and told many times a day, I love you. Yep, we have had the questions like why did my birth father do drugs, why didn't he love me enough to stop. Heartwrenching.

We have also had the statements like, I hate you. If my Mom had lived I would be with my family. And for a while his birth father was the hero who would someday make it all better. After therapy and many longs talks and honest answers he knows we love him and his past is something he will deal with (and us) his whole life. We are now dealing with the fact that he has decided on Sept 27th his "old" life ends and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He has questioned us about his sister (who is 19 and lives in another state) will she still be my sister. Most definetly.

Do I still grieve for the baby I will never have, yes. That took therapy to realize. Do I think there is another child out there who needs a home and our love, yes. am I afraid to take on a child again who is over the age of 5, yes but would I do it YES.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions about older adoptions let me know.

Stacy

butterflydreams · 09-09-2006, 04:58 AM

We had looked into being Foster Parents about 8 yrs ago. The rules of how you lived your life when once placed with a child weren't something that I felt comfortable with. For example, you can't openly hug a child with out asking for there permission, or give them a kiss with our permission. They had certain TV programs that they didn't want you watching like The Simpsons, you had to have locks placed in your bathroom cupboards, under the kitchen sink, and on the silverware drawer. We were also told to get to steel metal boxes, one for valuables and the other for meds. I felt it was an extreme intrusion into our lives. But I have seen many families who are blessed with the kids they have been placed with and are all very happy.

With adoption although it may seem at times like a huge waiting process, which it can be, it is worth it.

So while one choice may be better then the other for one person, they are both rewarding for everyone involved and for which path they choose to take.

sazzifrazz · 09-09-2006, 04:49 PM

I have a 14 yr old foster son with special needs. the hardest parts:

dealing with DSS (here its called department of social services) they are morons who don't care about the kids

the biological parents who voluntarily gave up the children so they could get out of the responsibilities. yet they still want them for the fun times-like b-days, xmas, etc very annoying!! we have had him for almost 3 yrs now so we don't let them decide. we have him for xmas day-and he visits them that evening.

listening to my FS talk about his dad like he is a hero rather than a no good piece of crap that he is! listening to FS blame it all on his mom when she was the only one who even put any effort into trying (she is mildly retarded so she did her best)

trying to undue the yrs of neglect and the behaviors that have followed (eating like an animal, no table manners, no social skills, hoarding food and objects, sneaky, lying etc) he has come a long way but honestly he still has so far to go!

having social workers at your house constantly. FS is in specialized foster care so we have DSS social worker and a specialized services social worker. Then throw in therapists, family support provider, teacher, psychiatrist and you have a million people with a tiny amount of interest of knowledge about your kid telling you what to do

we are young, we took FS (and his brother for 2 yrs) when we were first married and only 25 and 26. nobody treated us with respect. lawyers, psychiatrists, social workers. it took a long time for them to understand we know our stuff, and we do know whats best for FS. I have a masters in special ed and he was in my class before we took him in. I knew him better than anyone involved in his care.

being pressured to take gaurdianship (read: you raise him, you take care of him at all times, you still deal with biological parents, if you need DSS it goes on your record that DSS was involved in YOUR family-oh, but you will no longer get a stipend) yeah right!!!

IMO the foster care system her in Massachusetts sucks. We continue to do it because we have a relationship with FS. we plan to keep him in our home till he's 22 and can get into an adult group home.

ladyd · 09-13-2006, 08:36 AM

hi samstar,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I was reading over some threads as you know you learn a lot and get some strength from them when i read your i was like that so sweet i am also thinking of adopting or fostering been trying to concieve for 12 yrs the doctor tells me i have pcos don't ovulate i am on metfornin and tried clomid 2 times and nothing i started late to go the doctor about two yrs ago i should of went early i know anyways they doc. says lose weight and take medication thats it but soon will go to RE or infertily
well when i read the part that says Do i still grieve for the baby i will never had? yes ,,,,,,,,,,it made me cry because like you i thought that and do think that i don't know if i will ever have a child of mine own and do cry of a child that i would of had i think am crazy ,,,,what am i thinking that child doesn' t exist yet i grieve its weird but yu understand and as i type this to you i cry its hard to be the only one in my family without child and to have a wonderful husband like mine to say its okay dear ,,,and i am the one with the problem i feel so bad for him,,,,,,,its depressing but i will keep trying and that part of my life will not affect me to be a great mother to a foster or adopted child i wish you the best with your family postive vibes to you,,,,,thanks sorry i talk to much thank for listening ,,,,

[

quote=samstars]We are 2 1/2 weeks from the finalization of our 11 year old son. We had talked about taking only those children under 5 years old when we signed up to be foster to adopt parents. But when our son came into our lives we took it as a sign that he was meant to be ours. He has issues but what 11 year old doesn't...hormones and all...yikes. But you know I still get asked for hugs, I still get kisses and told many times a day, I love you. Yep, we have had the questions like why did my birth father do drugs, why didn't he love me enough to stop. Heartwrenching.

We have also had the statements like, I hate you. If my Mom had lived I would be with my family. And for a while his birth father was the hero who would someday make it all better. After therapy and many longs talks and honest answers he knows we love him and his past is something he will deal with (and us) his whole life. We are now dealing with the fact that he has decided on Sept 27th his "old" life ends and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He has questioned us about his sister (who is 19 and lives in another state) will she still be my sister. Most definetly.

Do I still grieve for the baby I will never have, yes. That took therapy to realize. Do I think there is another child out there who needs a home and our love, yes. am I afraid to take on a child again who is over the age of 5, yes but would I do it YES.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions about older adoptions let me know.

Stacy[/quote]

macrod · 09-13-2006, 04:30 PM

The hardest part for us about adopting thru foster/adopt in our state is that we have lost contact with the birthparents. They did not anything to do with our dd once the judge tpr'd them. We did not want anything to do with them, but it was never about what we wanted, it was always what was best for dd. And my dh and I tried during mediation to have an open adoption but her bios were stubborn on their stance. And now, I wonder every day what is going to happen when dd wants to look for them. She will never find them as they were illegal immigrants and they had not real information. My dd suffered for the first six months of her life with these ppl and I am not sure I can tell her anything positive about them. I know they loved her in there own way but did not show it. To the OP: The positives truly outweigh the negative. My dd is the light of our lives. To that I give thanks to God for bringing her into our lives and I have made a promise to him that I will take care of her for him. Best wishes in your decision.