anivan

It just ocurred to me that October 30th is around the corner. I lost little June Bug almost a year ago. I'm so sad, but I draw strength from the fact that I am still standing.

Last year on the evening of October 30th, I started bleeding bright red blood and cramping horribly. We raced to the ER and spent four LONG hours dealing with the inept local ER doctors. OK, get this-the first thing they did was give me a PG test. The ER doc races in and happily tells me everything is OK because I am still pregnant. duh...

I demanded an u/s and had to wait for an hour for the tech to come in from home to give it to me. (I live in a rural area) Once the tech got to the hospital, we got our only glance at JuneBug. I had to demand for the tech to tell me what she saw. I broke down sobbing until she "broke the rules" and told me she saw the baby. Apparently technically they aren't supposed to tell us what they see. whatever. They couldn't see a h/b but it was super early in the pregnancy so they weren't sure they would be able to see it anyway. The bleeding & cramping had stopped and they didn't know what else to do with me so I went home with a small amount of hope that we had avoided disaster.

We made the 10 minute drive home, took 3 steps in the door and I ran for the bathroom with blood running down my legs. I lost JuneBug right then and there. I layed on the bathroom floor sobbing until my throat was raw. I layed down in bed and cramped for the rest of the night. After DH fell asleep I went down into the room that would have been hers and held the clothes I bought for her while I cried and cried. I slept for about 2 hours and got up at 8:00 to call RE office. They made time for us to come in and I flipped out on my favorite nurse on the phone. I told her I had M/C'd and she said "You don't know that-be positive." I lost it. I said "Yes I do! This is my second miscarriage and I know what a F_ _ KING miscarriage feels like!" I immediately apologized & she was wonderful. We made the 60 mile one way trip to the office and had the horrible type of u/s that only happens when something bad has happened. The tech was dead silent. I started sobbing and pretty much didn't stop. It was awful. On the way home I asked DH to steer the car into the ditch because I didn't want to live. I honestly thought I was going to die from the pain and I wanted it to happen. I layed on my couch and didn't speak for hours on end. I would just flip channels & cry.

I think back on this whole experience that happened almost a year ago & I realize that I am still here. I am forever changed, but I am here. The pain didn't kill me. I will miss my babies every day until I die, but so far I have survived and I am so proud of that. My DH told me tonight that he was amazed by my strength and that meant the world to me. It hasn't been easy, but I am still getting up every day & doing the best I can. What else can any of us do?

Thanks for all of the support....Ani

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Ann (35) & Kelly (35)
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TTC since April 2000
Dx PCOS 2001

After 4 miscarriages, we are moving on to adoption. We are looking to adopt a bi-racial baby from a private agency in Florida.

All adoption paperwork is done and we are patiently (ha!) waiting for our little dream come true!


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SheriKCMO

(((Ann))) You have been through too much sadness, but here you are, still standing. I'm proud of you also.

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Sheri:36 Hubby:36
Metformin 1500mg since 10/02, Yasmin since 4/06, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs

First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.

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Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks

Third pregnancy, Cerclage 8/13-1/19

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Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage 8/26-1/26

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Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs

Time to lose this weight!

LaurAnnHere

I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you've found the strength to keep going. (((hugs)))

VivC

((Ann)). I don't know how any of us go on. But somehow, we keep breathing, keep living, keep hoping.

I'm so glad you didn't die! We wouldn't be the same without you around here.

Viv

saluki_fan

Ann, thanks for sharing your story. It's hard to beleive an anniversary is coming. I am proud of you for being a survivor and that you've been able to keep on going. I hope that your DH is doing OK.

TurtleLove has a quote in her siggie that says "Who knew your heart could be so broken and you could still breathe" (or something like that) and it sums it up perfectly. It's amazing that we can keep going when we are in so much pain, both physical and mental. You can do this, though...we have to do it in memory of our children.