Have I asked this B4 ? (sensitive???)

dna · 01-25-2005, 06:08 PM

Hi All

As many of you know we are in the process of adopting a girl...Our homestudy is done and is at our agency and we have already given them a chunk of $$ for Kazakhstan...now they tell us our Ministry has put a hold on their licence and that the Kaz Gov't needs more info about Ontarios rules and regs towards adoption....if anyone lives here you will know they are just about the strictest rules and regs !!

Anyways, DH and I are considering changing countries and going with China (Lisa I know you root for this!) my question is ... will she feel out of place in our home with white parents and a white sibling ? or is it all in my head and I can deal with what teasing may come if any at all...I am worried for her or at least I think I am and what obstacles she may come across .. or am I jumpin the gun here and all will be fine ? We have a great network of parents with children from China so she wouldnt be the only one here in our wee City ... I guess I just worry .. probly for no reason ... I know I will be just a proud mom no matter what and I will love her just as I do my son...

Aagghhh sorry...please dont attack me for actually putting these things out there ... I would love real answers from people who are experiencing it or thinking about it ... just to put my mind at ease...

Thanks
Amy

Lisa67 · 01-25-2005, 08:54 PM

First of all, Amy, I'm so sorry you are going through this issue. I know it's a difficult decision to make and probably seems a bit out of your hands at times.

You know I say go for it--go to CHINA! lol There are so many good things I have to say about the process and I do highly recommend it!

But, I can certainly validate your concerns. It is a concern of ours too and one of the reasons we are going to adopt again is so Emily will have another person in the family who is just like her, you know? Some may think that's an odd way of thinking but after talking it over with our S/W she felt as long as it's not our main reason, or only reason, for adopting again (which it isn't!) then it's a valid feeling to have. Of course then I wonder if Jess will feel "left out" being the child who is not Asian, but with her age I think we're OK with that.

I won't say things will all be peachy with her race issues, because that wouldn't be fair. I handle questions from people EVERY SINGLE TIME I venture out. People just can't keep their comments to themselves. Right now it's not so hard since she is so little she doesn't know what people are saying, but once she is older I'm afraid she may over hear something that will hurt her feelings.

If you have a large Chinese population in your area that is a HUGE benefit. Take advantage of that for sure. We are constantly getting together with our travel mates as well as joining local FCC (Families with Children from China) chapters to celebrate holidays with and such. That's the one thing I will say about adopting from China--there is a huge network of folks out there to help you through everything. It's a wonderful feeling and they are like extended family.

So....after all that rambling....you have every right to put these issues out there because they are a reality for some. There are lots of websites & books about Chinese culture, adoption, etc... that will help us all when these issues arise.

Let me know if you have more questions.

Hugs,
Lisa

ETA: You are right in assuming you will love her no matter what--boy ain't that the truth!!

cyndl · 01-26-2005, 09:54 AM

hi! i don't post often anymore, but i read all the time. i had to reply to you. we are adopting through our county. we have a foster to adopt baby who is 100% black! very dark skinned. we are the whitest, most fair, most blonde family you ever did see! my son used to be nick named powder (anyone remember that movie?) now it may be the diverse area we live in, but the only comments we've ever gotten is about how beautiful our baby is. i think most people assume that my dh is a very dark black man or that he is adopted. i'm sure when he's older we'll have to deal with more issues on this. but so far so good. and like lisa said, it's not the only reason, but we plan to adopt another child of color ( any color, black, asain, hispanic, bi-racial) so that he won't feel different in our family. we hope to have a rainbow family is always my saying!

sorry you have to go through this. and i don't think anyone would/should bash you for asking these things. they are valid feelings/questions!

good luck and hugs!!!
cyn

dms · 01-26-2005, 10:00 PM

Hi Amy:

First of all, let me say that I think it is very considerate and loving for you to give thought to this situation. But, in my opinion, I don't think it will be a problem. Yes, there will probably be times when people say stupid things. But, you will deal with it when the time comes. I know this from experience. We are a white couple but our children are biracial (50% white/50% black). Before my kids came along, I used to worry about the same things. However, it is different now that they are here. I don't see them as different and I rarely give thought to it. I know things may come up when they go to school but I plan on being very open and honest with them. Also, I will do my best to build their self confidence so that when things are said to them, they will hopefully be able to ignore it.

I know that your daughter-to-be will be so happy to be in your family and so happy to have a brother that if she is teased, it won't matter much.

Good luck to you!

Dawn

dna · 01-27-2005, 09:37 AM

Thanks for the replies...I tend to over-react...here is where we stand right now...

We are going to wait until the end of March and see where the Kaz program stands here. Then we will make our decision. I know we would love and educate and protect her when it comes to the issues that arise and we would never make her feel out of place. Even when it comes to Aerik we are going to have to try and educate and just be honest about his adoption, without of course being too "Now when this kid comes up to you and says this .. you do this" becuz I dont want to scare the pants of him !

Man this is hard

but oh oh oh so WORTH it !

I will update when we have more news ...for now I am going to concentrate on his 3rd birthday WOW !

Thanks

Calantha · 01-27-2005, 05:08 PM

Amy, just a quick note here.. when we were just starting out the process we came across a picture of a little boy in Kaz. We wanted to adopt him but another couple signed the contract for his adoption the day before we called the agency to tell them we wanted to. Anyways, this little boy had dark skin and Asian eyes. Not all children from Kaz are white. Just something to think about if you're really leaning toward switching to China, you could very well end up in the same situation if you stay with Kaz. You're a great mommy and any child you adopt is going to know that she is loved for who she is, not what she looks like, and that's exactly what she can tell anyone ignorant enough to comment on her differences too!
We've yet to run into a problem with Sam, everyone is so concerned with how cute he is, they never even seem to notice that he has very different coloring than either of us. If and when they do, I hope that Sam comes right out and tells them that his mama doesn't care if he's purple with orange polka dots!

Shawna@PHM · 01-30-2005, 10:39 PM

Hey Amy! Just wanted to say hello~your little boy isnt so little anymore. He looks fabulous. Good luck on your 2nd adoption!