Have you heard of being a "Surrendered Wife?"

Sari · 01-04-2004, 12:20 PM

I've seen several websites now devoted to being a surrendered wife. What they mean by surrendered, is respecting your husband as head of household, not arguing or nagging, etc. I myself do believe the the husband is the head of household in the traditional family unit, but I'm not sure that I shouldn't be able to argue with him. I do know that when I'm not nagging, we get along better, but then a lot of times I feel justified because there's a good reason for me to be nagging or arguing. I just wanted to get some opinions. Thanks.

Website

The above website is one example of what I've been seeing.

KlassicalKat · 01-04-2004, 02:15 PM

I have been married for 20 years and have seen several books of this nature come and go. "The Total Woman" of the late 1970's, (originally a backlash of the Women's Liberation movement of the 1970's), and "The Rules" and even to some extent "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus".

As a young woman growing up in turbulent times when women's roles were questioned and challenged, I would scoff at these books and dismiss them as downgrading women. At the same time, deep down inside, I felt an odd comfort that these books were saying that it was OK to have and enjoy the traditional role of being a supportive wife and mother.

Growing up, I had always wanted to be a mommy and wife and the prospect of throwing that aside to "go out and forge my place in the working world" seemed very unappealing at times and downright frightening! However, both worlds should be available to all women. All women should be free to find a balance as to which of these worlds, or how much of both they desire to have. Both options should be available. I have definitely experienced both worlds in my lifetime and have discovered benefits and drawbacks of both.

But, back to the subject of these books...After some turbulent early years of marriage where I found myself becoming more and more defensive and argumentative, I decided to read some of them (on the sly) and see what they had to offer. To my surprise, some of the suggestions made sense. It is just common sense to be respectful of those you love and to take the time to listen to them.

While I am not sure about the man being the sole head of the household, I began to realize that marriage is indeed a partnership. Each partner deserves respect and to be listened to. It really is NOT "All about ME", but US! Thus, books that raise your consciousness and encourage you to examine the effects of your behavior on others and "put yourself in the other person's shoes," can't be all bad.

However, they should be read with discretion. Some books go too far and turn the woman's role into that of "doormat" or should never get into an argument, but suppress her feelings.

If a book can stimulate an increased awareness of being kinder and gentler to your beloved, without turning you into a doormat, then I see no harm in it.

It would be good to see more books geared toward husbands respecting their wives as well. I have seen some out there, but not nearly as many as those geared towards women.

Kathryn

hillbillycyster · 01-04-2004, 03:36 PM

Hi Sara and Kathryn!

I, too, have heard of several books discussing the woman's role in marriage; although I haven't read any of them myself.

There is, however, a book that my husband and I use that has a balanced description of both roles. It doesn't say the wife should be "surrendered" which in one definition means to relinquish possesion of. It does use the word submissive, meaning humbly obedient (obedient being compliant.) I prefer submissive.

Here's just a couple of quotes that my husband and I take to heart."Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation...." OK, so technically the husband is the head, BUT he also has someone over him! (I like that idea, doesn't put him too high up on the totem pole...

)

OK, here's one for the hubby: "In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives *as their own bodies*. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh, but he feeds and *cherishes* it, as the Christ also does the congregation."

Now, one for both, "....let each one of you individually love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband." And vise-versa.

Ok, ok you've probably guessed I'm quoting the Bible (Ephesians 5). I figured since this post is in "faith and healing" that it's fitting. And who better than God, who arranged the first marriage, to give us advice?

My dh and I have a great marriage and I find that when we're having disagreements and the occasional agrument (yeah, it happens :o ) a lot of the time it's because of me. We make mutual decisions and really listen to each other. He has the final say on most matters, but 99% of the time we've all ready discussed it. I personally love being an "old-fashioned" wife; that's what I'm comfortable with.

And even Sarah and Abraham had disagreements--we're suppose to be one flesh not one mind--after all we're not robots!!

As for the nagging the Bible has something to say about that too..."Better to live alone in the desert than with a nagging and ill-tempered wife." Proverbs 21:19 Another version compares nagging to endlessly dripping water--we know what that's like! (ie....."Mom, are we there yet??")

OK, we're not perfect, but I think that the advice in the Bible, although ancient, is exceptional in balance and it works. That's just my $0.02 anyways. Hope no one will be offended.

It's nice that we have a place to share such an eccletic array of information! Take care girls.

Nettie

Sari · 01-04-2004, 03:50 PM

Thanks for the replies ladies, and it's fine with me to quote the Bible or any other religious source. That's why I posted in Faith & Healing. Also because most of the books/websites are religious and that's where they base their subjects and suggestions. I also think that husband and wife should be partners, but I know that (according to the Bible at least) the husband is supposed to be head of household. To me, that's doesn't mean that a wife can't do anything without permission, but that someone has to take a more active role as leader, and in the traditional family unit (husband, wife, children if applicable) that's the husband. Kat, I also feel a little comforted seeing books about this stuff, but I agree that some take them too far, at least for me.

JulieC · 01-04-2004, 04:52 PM

I'm going to keep my opinions about the "Submissive Wife" concept (of which I only have a vague idea anyway) to myself, but Sara, I replied to your thread on the Rant board this morning:

http://www.soulcysters.net/showthrea...threadid=67453

The "Submissive Wife" concept is not going to fix the problems you seem to be having with your DH (at least the ones you're having today). If he suggested it to you, I can only think he is looking for a doormat. If you came up with it because you came down on him for being a lazy turd, it's not the answer either ... the only solution from your viewpoint is to become a doormat because YOU are not the problem here. Nobody should be a doormat! My apologies if I jumped to the wrong conclusion here, but this thread and the Rant thread were created within 30 minutes of each other and red flags popped into my head. *HUGS*

hillbillycyster · 01-04-2004, 08:45 PM

Hi Sara

First of all I apologize for not seeing your other post before replying to this one. Now with a little more insight, I just wanted to clarify a couple of things that I wrote before.

By using the word "submissive" I think it might have brought the wrong conclusions to mind to some. My view of being submissive is to be supportive in the decisions my husband makes for himself and our family. I am not dominated or treated unfairly by him. He listens to my opinions and I have found that after we have discussed things together and I've left the final decision to him; usually he goes along with what I suggest.

I agree that a marriage is a partnership. I try to think of it as a three-fold cord, consisting of dh, me, and God. We support each other, with our lives and hearts intertwined with the guidance found in the Bible. We are separate individuals with our own thoughts and desires and opinions, but at the same time, together we make each other stronger and more capable of dealing with what this world (and we) throw at each other. And with God's guidance binding us together we're even stronger. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

I feel that I am still entitled to give my opinion and if my conscience is being troubled by something my dh does or doesn't do I am entitled and even obligated to let him know. Every now and again my timing isn't very good and that makes things worse. Sometimes I don't know when to speak and when to keep quiet, but hey I'm not perfect and neither is my husband. It's a give and take situation, but that doesn't mean that only one gives and one takes. It should mutual.

OK, glad I've got that off my chest. I really hope things are better with you and your dh. His timing was pretty bad this morning, but I hope that everything's ok now.

Take care.
Hugs,
Nettie

Sari · 01-04-2004, 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by hillbillycyster

By using the word "submissive" I think it might have brought the wrong conclusions to mind to some. My view of being submissive is to be supportive in the decisions my husband makes for himself and our family. I am not dominated or treated unfairly by him. He listens to my opinions and I have found that after we have discussed things together and I've left the final decision to him; usually he goes along with what I suggest.

Nettie, I completely agree with this statement!

Julie - Thank you so much for noticing my other post and putting 2 and 2 together, but really it was a coincidence. I put all the blame on DH for that one LOL!

Thanks ladies for your replies, and thanks Julie and Nettie for your support with my other post!