He is spoiled WE messed up oh no how do we fix it?
Hi ladies! DH and I are therapuetic foster parents back in June we took in a boy (10) He was our first child ever and we fell in love with him. He is very smart ( almost to smart lol) He came with nothing and we immediatly wanted to give him everything ( try to make up for 10 years of not bieng a kid) we have taken him on vacation twice, his room is overstuffed with anything and everything, he has the name brand clothes, the name brand shoes, mp3, ps2,ds, xbox , remote control cars, games out the yang, and just about anything and everything he ask for. We have taught him morals and we are strict when it comes to respect and grades. However, I know we have went overboared and I can now see a spoiled and somewhat stingy( sp?) kid. what do I do ?? I DO NOT want him to be a bratty kid, but it is GREAT to see his face light up.
__________________ Nicole 26( having wls summer 09)
DH 27 (having wls 02/02/09)
2 FURBABIES LEXI AND JOSEY
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What are the issues you are seeing with your son? You say his is 'stingy' - is his issue sharing? Caring for others?
Maybe showing him how to help others. Have him pick some of his lesser-important things to give to needy children. Or get him involved in fund-raising for a good cause. Are there any needs within your foster-care agency that your family could help with (rainbow room donations for other foster families)?
Get him involved in organizations that can show him how to help others. Cub/Boy Scouts some to mind (we keep our son involved there).
Getting him involved in sports where he needs to work with others towards a common goal. If you just want him to push himself (instead of team sports) then running track, swimming or doing gymnastics would be options too.
These are just a few ideas. I understand spoiling, we've done that some here too - the sharing with others inside your own home is the hardest (especially when you've been an only child for a long while).
Also, don't be too hard on yourselves. It is not abnormal for a kid in that age group to be a little stingy and not want to share. heck, sometimes I don't want to share Keep working on it and good luck!
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Married October 2006 It's a Girl!
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I don't think you have done anything wrong by wanting to give your child a better childhood and living environment... Like Tara said, don't be so hard on yourself.. Your son is 10 - he's at an age where you can talk to him and explain why you do what you do for him, but also tell him the importance of sharing... I think a lot of times we try to "fix" issues in our children by chaging how we deal with them and what we give to them... AND while sometimes that may in fact be necessary, most times, we just need to talk to them... don't beat up on yourself! You are good mom, and you and your dh are good parents!
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Married 09/01/06
TTC since 01/2007
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Cinnamon, Flax Seed Oil, Prenatals, Baby Asprin
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I was thinking maybe having him donate some no longer used items (toys) to someone/place for those less fourtunate. Also talking about where they are going and why may help ?
Just an idea
I applaud you for wanting the best for your son. But I have to wonder if he's getting the message that in order to "make up for" his rough start he needs/deserves "things" in order to move past it? Your love is enough and really no material possession can change what he has been through. I think the world today is filled with a lot of young people with this feeling of entitlement and it is robbing them of being capable, and compassionate.
I'm definitely guilty of wanting to shower my daughter with gifts too, but... recently I have just started to realize that things are really even remotely as important as the time we spend together.
I liked the idea Susan had to donate some of his things. Maybe to somebody that is fostering kids or a children's receiving home? I also agree with volunteering being a great way for kids to learn about compassion.
I think the main thing I'm learning as a parent is to not be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you are doing a great job with him!
Julia
__________________ "To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children...to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...THIS IS TO HAVE SUCCEEDED" Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Give him an allowance that he has to earn by doing chores around the house. Teach him to save his money and budget for the things that he wants.
But don't feel too badly - I think it is only human to want to see that delight in their eyes even if you know that it is actually not in their best interest!
__________________ Nicole (32)+ DH (33) Married June 4, 2000 my blog! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
dx PCOS Fall 2000 TTC since Sept 2006 1st BFP Dec 2006 lost @8 weeks To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you from another perspective that my husband grew up almost literally dirt poor. Even now he is still scarred from it. It shows up in different ways. But his things are important to him and it took me a few years to help him realize that just because some gadget is out there does not mean we have to own it.
I just knew it was something he would have to learn on his own with me prodding him in the right direction. I watched him "waste" a lot of money when we were dating but I knew he would have to get it out of his system so he would not feel deprived.
Now he can look at something and admire it without buying it because he knows what we have works just fine. But it took about five years. My husband had never even been to a dentist when we met and had never had a birthday party thrown for him.
It is hard when we compare memories of our childhood and his stories involve being hungry and never getting anything new, or proper medical attention. But we have a lovely life now and he has learned for the most part that things are just things. I hope this other perspective helps you.
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My brother just adopted a little girl, and she is about the same age. They did the same thing, and she is a little stingy too. The way I look at it is, she came from having nothing to having everything, and I just can't blame them, or you for going overboard. They, afterall are just little kids, and all kids are stingy. That doesn't mean they are brats, spoiled, etc. It just means they are kids. Quite honestly, its good that they can be kids again and not worry about all the issues that brought them to foster care in the first place! And its good that he is comfortable enough with you and your DH to be himself and act stingy once in a while.
Good Luck! You are doing an amazing thing, and when he is older, he will never forget how good you have been to him!
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Me (32) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH (36)
DD (15), DS (10), DS (10), DSD (14), DSD (16)
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He is spoiled WE messed up oh no how do we fix it? 
Keep working on it and good luck!
